A Letter to My Concerned Fans From Michael Phelps.
I have three points to make about the incident this weekend, and then I’ll say no more.
1. Two wars, economic meltdown, new president, conflicts in the Middle East, ongoing genocide in Darfur. Just saying, there are other news stories. Maybe “Olympic Athlete Likes To Party” doesn’t rise to the level of actual news.
2. Smoking marijuana does NOT enhance your ability to swim. It’s disorienting, and doesn’t help your lung capacity. Also, you get really self conscious in a tiny bathing suit with everybody looking at you and they all just KNOW you’re stoned and you really shouldn’t have said that and the cops are coming.
3. This party was getting a little out of hand, and some of the guys were getting rowdy. I knew I might be called upon to break up a fight or some other such conflagration. Only my powers don’t work when I’m out of the water. I sought out the first vessel of water I could find; I can activate my aquatic super-abilities in just an inch of water. I wasn’t trying to suck smoke OUT of that bong, I was trying to suck MYSELF INSIDE the bong. Once inside, I would shatter the glass dramatically, undulate like a dolphin, perhaps summon my underwater friends (chlorine tablet and pool vacuum) and everyone would calm down or get a face full of writhing belly muscle. In retrospect, I probably should have moved to a sink or a beer or something. Still, in the moment of crisis, I went for the first source of water I could find.
Again, if anyone is disappointed in my behavior, I am really sorry, but remember, there’s always more to the story than meets the eye. Unless it’s a really stupid story that never should have been reported in the first place.
Oh and one more thing: Legalize it.