A Letter to My Concerned Fans From Michael Phelps.

Hello fellow swimmers in the pool of life! As always, I thank you for your support and adulation. I realize that some of you were troubled and disappointed by the news stories—including a photo of me smoking a big ol’ bong—which surfaced over the weekend. I would like to apologize to anyone who was dismayed by my partying ways. Anyone who looks to me as an example or an idol, I’m sorry if I let you down; stay healthy. However, as I slowly descend from the pinnacle of my life from Olympic glory to the role of swimming coach, I may experiment on some paths that others might not see the benefit of, but which I must follow regardless, to find my way. And let’s face it, when you can swim to Jamaica in under two hours from any point in the U.S, you’re likely to partake of all that that island has to offer.

I have three points to make about the incident this weekend, and then I’ll say no more.

1. Two wars, economic meltdown, new president, conflicts in the Middle East, ongoing genocide in Darfur. Just saying, there are other news stories. Maybe “Olympic Athlete Likes To Party” doesn’t rise to the level of actual news.

2. Smoking marijuana does NOT enhance your ability to swim. It’s disorienting, and doesn’t help your lung capacity. Also, you get really self conscious in a tiny bathing suit with everybody looking at you and they all just KNOW you’re stoned and you really shouldn’t have said that and the cops are coming.

3. This party was getting a little out of hand, and some of the guys were getting rowdy. I knew I might be called upon to break up a fight or some other such conflagration. Only my powers don’t work when I’m out of the water. I sought out the first vessel of water I could find; I can activate my aquatic super-abilities in just an inch of water. I wasn’t trying to suck smoke OUT of that bong, I was trying to suck MYSELF INSIDE the bong. Once inside, I would shatter the glass dramatically, undulate like a dolphin, perhaps summon my underwater friends (chlorine tablet and pool vacuum) and everyone would calm down or get a face full of writhing belly muscle. In retrospect, I probably should have moved to a sink or a beer or something. Still, in the moment of crisis, I went for the first source of water I could find.

Again, if anyone is disappointed in my behavior, I am really sorry, but remember, there’s always more to the story than meets the eye. Unless it’s a really stupid story that never should have been reported in the first place.

Oh and one more thing: Legalize it.

One love,

Michael Phelps

–as told to Dan Kilian
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2 Responses to “A Letter to My Concerned Fans From Michael Phelps.”

  1. DOUGLAS CLARK Says:

    GOOD POINTS!!

    AND I TOLD MIKE ABOUT HOW BUSH BLACKMAILED KAREN HUGHES WHEN HER SON GOT SET UP WITH A $10 BAG OF MARIJUANA.

    THEY MADE HER COME BACK TO THE WHITEHOUSE TO KEEP BUSH’S INVOLVEMENT IN THE SEPTEMBER 11 ATTACKS HIDDEN.

    I LEFT ONE MESSAGE AT MIKE’S WEBSITE, BUT WHEN I TRIED TO GO BACK AND LEAVE MY e-mail ADDRESS, I WAS LOCKED OUT.
    (HMMMMMM)

    ANYWAY…bushsept11mastermind@yahoo.com

    BECAUSE I’D RARTHER SEE NEWS ABOUT BUSH BEING EXPOSED FOR 9/11, THAN SPORTS PEOPLE GETTING SET UP FOR A FALL.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    I think Markos Moulitsas said it best when he said: “Anyone that has a problem with Michael Phelps is a fucking moron.”

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