Cardinals Lose Super Bowl; Warner Renounces God

TAMPA BAY—After a thrilling match that saw the Phoenix Cardinals come within 120 seconds of an historic victory, the Pittsburgh Steelers locked up their sixth Super Bowl, causing Cardinals quarterback, Kurt Warner—one of the league’s most prominent born-again Christians—to renounce his faith in Jesus Christ.The unexpected move by Warner—who was widely expected to praise God and All His Favor in the event of a Cardinals upset or proclaim, should the Cardinals have lost, that he “felt blessed just to be here today”—took by surprise the teammates already gathered in Warner’s famous on-field, post-game prayer circle.

“There is no heaven, no salvation, no [expletive] god!! You’re all fools! Fooools!!” screamed a visibly upset Warner, as he stormed through the assembling prayer circle, knocking already praying teammates further to the ground.

In a brief chat with reporters following a game in which Warner threw for 377 yards with three touchdowns and one interception, Warner declared, “God? HA! Today god said [expletive] you to me, and so I say [expletive] you to him. [expletive] him and that [expletive] son of his. I always pointed to the sky after each touchdown pass, and for what?!? This? What a waste of time!”Warner, who throughout his career credited Jesus for each and every success, did not hesitate to cast aside his Lord and Savior after the stunning last second loss. “The worst part is all the wasted opportunities… there was that hooker just last night, and–like the god-worshipping [expletive] I was even 15 minutes ago, I said, ‘No. It’s not the way of Jesus.’ [expletive] I could have had a three way and now no one’ll touch my [penis] with a 10 foot cross.”

Across the field, opposing quarterback Ben Rothelisberger gave all credit to Jesus for his victory, claiming, “God is good, man. He was really looking out for the Steelers today and all the Steeler nation and our troops and president Bush [sic]. I could really feel Him turning His back on Kurt Warner today. What a day! USA!”

Warner, who was last seen getting into his H2 with an open bottle of Cutty Sark and a boywhore, could not be reached to respond to these comments made by God’s New Favorite Son, Ben Rothelisberger.

–Matt Casper


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