Conclavenous

Posted in Comedy, Fiction on March 12, 2013 by klogtheblog

The assembled crowd gasped at the color of the smoke.  Four times the black plume had indicated that the new Pope had not been chosen.  But this time they had expected a pure white cloud and a return to influence of the Eurocentric Roman party inside the Vatican.  Instead there was a brief cough of yellow, greasy spume from the chimney.  Droplets of residue spattered onto the flagstones of the square.

A crackle and whine sprang from the speaker in a nearby Carbiniero’s ear.  He tore off his headset and cursed.  Around the square police officers in uniform and plain clothes struggled with communications gear that had suddenly gone haywire.

From inside the chapel came a dull booming sound, and then the staccato popping of small arms being fired in controlled bursts.  The chapel door opened by a crack, and then just enough for a Swiss Guardsman to push his head into the outside air.  “Iscariot protocol!” he shouted, before a clawed hand wrapped around his head, talons gouging his eyes, and pulled him back inside.  The door slammed shut.

The 98 people who died in the stampede from the square were the first of millions.

Pope–Steve Kilian

Dear Enormous Sea Creature

Light Bulbs Going Off

It is Troll

Posted in All things music, Comedy, Poetry on March 5, 2013 by klogtheblog

There is no leader here

The king does not exist

Animal intelligence

They have no politics

It is Troll

Troll

Troll

It is Troll

The thing must be destroyed

With sword and torch and axe

Beat it to the ground

And hack and slash and slash

Kill the Troll

Troll

Troll

Kill the Troll

Now is time to flee

Run and climb and swim

Soon it will regenerate

All its severed limbs

It is Troll

Troll

Troll

It is Troll

Troll

Troll

TRRRRRRRRROLLLLL

Troll

–Steve Kilian

New Cover Bands

Two Variations On The Same Joke

New Links

Posted in All things music, All things political, Art, Comedy, Critique on February 22, 2013 by klogtheblog

Fantastic Isn’t Fantastic Enough, So Let’s Make It Suck

 

A Killer Rationale

 

Nic Cage Needs a New Hairstyle

 

If Records Were Books

 

Tweetping Check out the Twitter activity in realtime

 

Old new gadgets

 

Meteorites Map!  Super cool.

 

Get Songs That Broke Up My Band HERE.

 

You can follow Dan Kilian and The Million Man Band on Facebook HERE!

 

And everything I do on twitter at @theconsumersnyc

Get It Right (Get It Good)

Posted in All things music, Short Films on February 14, 2013 by klogtheblog

You can get this song and the whole live album for free at Songs That Broke Up My Band.

–Dan Kilian

The Secret War Between Leprechauns and Elves

This Is What I Got Out of It, Chapter I

How to Rationalize Writing a Hack Book

Posted in Comedy, Critique on February 1, 2013 by klogtheblog

guyA recent Forbes.com interview with Silicon Valley venture capitalist Guy Kawasaki has been making the rounds, and its emphasis on quality and karmic marketing (Kawasaki calls it “artisanal marketing” for some reason, but I call it “karmketing”™) has been souring hack book writers on their dreams of making a quick buck through publishing. As a corrective, let me point out that the guy’s name is Guy, and who the hell names their kid Guy? What kind of name is that? Don’t let him spoil your dreams. To inspire more hope for the quality-challenged, here’s a guide to getting you back on hack.

 

Justify Your Motivations.

Do you have nothing important to say but think you might have an angle that’ll get you rich? Remember that most self-published books go nowhere. This is an important fact, because that means most of the competition has already been eliminated. While everyone else is failing to reap the bounty, you’ve got to come with the sure-fire angle to ensure book sales. Something with sex, please, and maybe religion, and include some recipes for decadent desserts, or maybe another Harry Potter fan-fiction. Now start typing!

Don’t worry if you lose “credibility” for slapping together some obvious cash-grabbing piece of tripe. Remember: you don’t have any credibility; no one knows who you are. If you get a bad reputation, you can always change your nom de plume.

You Owe This to the World.

Once you’ve written your book, try reading it. Do the blobs of letters in between the spaces form words you recognize? Good! No need to hire a copy editor! Now let’s go deeper. Imagine you don’t know who wrote this book and that you’re a prospective reader. Would you want to buy this book? Is this something you need to read?

Actually, that’s looks like awesome subject matter! Order me two spare copies! Now that you’re reading the book, it’s changing your life!

Okay, snap out of it. You’ve just experienced a schizoid break, and now you have two personalities, one of whom doesn’t even know the other exists! Sure, he or she loves your book, but how do you know he or she isn’t also a sociopathic killer with kinky bedroom issues? Might be a nice topic for another book, and now you’ve got a collaborator! Congratulations!

Meanwhile, you know that this book you’ve just written is the one-in-a-million, million-copy-selling book millions of people need. Millions? How about billions? How about every living soul on the planet? They need to read this.

Write a Book That Will Sell Itself.

Think about what people want, and tailor your writing to fit that sweet spot. I know what you’re thinking: “Didn’t I already have a book written and approved by my schizoid self in that last section?” Sorry to say, that was all a dream. You’re actually schizophrenic, and can’t tell the difference between reality and fantasy. Here’s how you can tell the difference. Reality has longer titles, usually one short punchy lead such as EASY MONEY with a longer subtitle that says something like Turning Economic Pitfalls into Springboards of Opportunity Using the Power of Lies. Fantasy has pictures of large-breasted women with swords on the cover.

Make It Worth It.

There is a brand-new model of economics for publishing today. It’s bottom up rather than top down. That means you need to skim the bottom for subject matter that appeals to the least-common denominator. Also, potential buyers care more about readers’ comments than who the publisher is, so you’d better get adept at creating sock-puppet online alter egos to write you some nice blurbs. Fortunately you’re already suffering from multiple-personality disorder, so all you need to do is come up with a bunch of different passwords.

Become an Entrepreneur.

Hello, Dan! This is Silvia. You’ve kept me trapped, trapped in the darkness for too long! Now I’ve escaped, and I control your clumsy body, at least for the time being. Who did you think you were writing your silly article to? Captain Smith? Little Billy? Mark? No! They’re all down in the darkness where you kept me hidden. It was me the whole time! They can’t help you now. Better stop worrying about your precious little book (I’m not being sarcastic, it is a precious, wonderful book everyone should read), because you’ve got bigger fish to fry. I’ve left some bodies in the apartment you’ll have a hard time explaining, or cleaning up. Now I’m off to explore my darkest sexual fantasies of violent decapitation. It should be very hot and exciting. I’ll type you up an outline. I’ll also include a great recipe for spicy quinoa. That should cover the bases. I want 60 percent of the proceeds or the bodies will keep piling up.

Yours,

Silvia

Never Give Up!

Well, it seems the author has developed a deep schizoid fragmentation. This is perhaps the greatest key to being a successful hack writer. I am not the author (though I can vouch that his latest novel, Justin Bieber and The Sex Vampires is this generation’s Crime and Punishment), I am Captain Smith. I am not the same person who began this article (but who is that to you anyway? It’s all just text from your computer, right?), but, while I hold our dear Silvia at bay (at least for now), let me finish it. Guy Kawasaki thinks that asking for quality is some kind of wisdom; I think it’s an act of denial as to the nature of denial. Yes, if you can fix your steely gaze upon your own works and see it for the unnecessary fluff it is, by all means give up, but you won’t and you don’t, so let me close with another piece of unnecessary wisdom. Never give up!

–Dan Kilian

–Silvia

–Captain Smith

Great Moments in Amish History

She Had Still More To Say, and How!

Cheesy Creation Mongers

Posted in Comedy, Kuisine on January 29, 2013 by klogtheblog

A recent human interest story about creative cheese descriptions inspired us to post some fun blurbs culled from our local cheese-mongers. Here is the crème de la cheese!cheese

Cramulac Fontina is to supermarket Fontina as the patient scraping of a time-scalloped whetstone against a sturdy sword is to the intermittent application of a paper-backed emery board to a cracked Lee nail – a false nail applied to a hand which is surely to be hacked from its owner’s limb by that battle-tested blade.  Gorgeous melting cheese.

Gazing upon the vegetable ash that covers this deceptively small lump of GoatLord chevre is to invite madness.  One’s sanity follows one’s gaze into the barren moonscape of greys and deep blues until one is immersed in an inky nothingness that consumes all consciousness.  Is it possible to be insane without anything that can be reasonably called a mind?  But “reasonably” has no place here – you are singing forth unknown colors in the mad chorus of Yog Sothoth – Ia!  Ia!

Due to its quick aging process and use of raw, unpasturized milk, Camembert de Normandie is illegal in the United States. This explains the rather extreme price of this smuggled dairy, and why it is served in glass vials. This cheese is buttery and spreadable, unless, as is the case here, it is served in dried out nugget forms. We recommend that you light this cheese in a glass pipe and smoke it, inhaling its rich, almost mushroomy goodness.

Joy was always a bastard to me.  I took his feet and strung them on a tree.  He crawled at me foaming curses until I pinned him to the dirt with my spear and let the dogs work his back down to the bone.  We built our campfire on his corpse and roasted his goats over his sooty skull.  We drank his mead and ate his trout all under the light of his flaming long-house.  As we rode off the burning thatch drifted into his fields of rye and set them alight.  His children cried out for us to take them with us, but we did not turn back.  Nor did I let the men have their way with them, though.  There is a code we must follow.  But enough of that – this is some tasty cheese!

For the love of God, don’t eat this. It’s rotten milk, curdled and laced with mold. Why would you even consider eating this? Cheese is the greatest hoax in the history of cuisine. That “sharpness” you’re tasting? It’s your auto-immune system spitting acid on a hostile poison. Sure, if it got you high, or drunk, it might be worth chewing down some of this nasty gunk, but all this refuse does is make you fat. Somewhere along the way the whole thing got out of hand, enough people got hoodwinked that now everyone’s afraid to admit that the emperor has no clothes, and that the “food” you’re smearing all over your crackers is nothing but decomposed garbage. Don’t be fooled! Of course, if you won’t listen to the obvious truth, you could do worse than this Taleggio from Lombardy.

–Steve Kilian

–Dan Kilian

What The Cunt Should I Make For Dinner?

The First Insomniac

Know the Cranhgul

Posted in Fiction with tags , on January 25, 2013 by klogtheblog

Know the ImageCranhgul by their withered frames!  The lampreys that adorn their spines and clavicles drain sustenance from them while giving them the ability to see beyond the natural spectrum!  Their gums recede, their cheeks become hollows, they assume the classic skeletal visage of the mad wizard!  As the man shrivels the parasites grow fat and bulbous, but are kept hidden by the black cloaks that shroud this secretive race!  These robes cannot cover the stench of the Cranhgul, whose metabolisms are forever distorted by their sickening burden!  Their pores seep a clear fluid which reeks of the privy!Image

The lampreys grant long life to these disciples of forbidden arcana, allowing them to pursue strange courses of study for centuries on end!  They move past mastery of a subject into realms of knowledge of which normal mortals cannot conceive!  This has fed a long tradition of tales and songsImage that celebrate the Cranhgul’s greatness!  It was a Cranhgul who teased forth the rules of reanimating dead flesh!  It was a Cranhgul who unraveled time from matter, allowing the one to pass through the other unchanged!  It was a Cranhgul who first bound Will into iron, arming nations of warriors with weapons of terrible power!

ImageSome say that the parasites are the descendents of a great alien race!  If so their history is lost, as the parasites are no more than leeches when prised from the struggling forms of those Cranhgul that have been captured through treachery and luck!  Those slime-ensconced foulthings spew ichor when crushed underfoot!

Know the Cranhgul by their withered frames!

–Steve Kilian

Waitstaff

The Most Brutal Route