Archive for the useless excuses Category

Something On Your Back

Posted in useless excuses on December 1, 2010 by klogtheblog

This morning in the subway tunnel a cockroach the size of a lobster flew onto the guy in front of me’s’s umbrella and marched up his back. I froze, then said, “SIR! There’s SOMETHING on your back!” I probably should have said “There’s a GIANT COCKROACH on your back,” and then he might not have been so frightened when he looked back into the face of that awful creature. I knocked the beast off him and stomped him to death. My guts are still churning.

–Dan Kilian

Hollywood Harvest

Inconsistencies in the New Star Trek Movie


The Ks at Bar Matchless

Posted in All things music, useless excuses on April 13, 2010 by klogtheblog

Sigh, for some reason the photo won’t upload. I’ll try again later. Until then, we’ll let this frustration stand as a post.


Posted in useless excuses on March 1, 2010 by klogtheblog

Woke up with a nonsense word in my head. Was it felgion? Phelgion? I think it sounded better than that, but now it’s gone. How important was that word? What would it mean? I lay there in bed and made sure I’d remember, spelled it to myself. Made sure I’d hold onto it, then drifted off again.

And now it’s gone. Some nonsense word from some unlanguage of my dreams. Was it a gift? Was it the key? Probably just some dream nonsense, unless it wasn’t.

Now it isn’t.

–Dan Kilian

Return To Last Trip The The Well Part II

My Obama Encounter By Jacob Bartelby, Intern to the Department of Health Bureaucracy Department Building 15


Posted in All things political, useless excuses on February 10, 2010 by klogtheblog

Snow. The crystal perfection knitted into manna, the sound softening blanket and the immediate corruption. The slush. The piles. The snowdrifts. Up to your thigh! Up to your eye! Over our heads in an afghan avalanche. The snows of Kilimanjaro. Every time it snows some credulous fool stops believing in global warming, but the caps are still melting, people. We have the technology to monitor these things. There are men in the House and Senate who know damn well the earth is getting hotter but they pander to the ignorant because they want to keep riding around in limousines. Every time they deny the rising temperatures it gets a little hotter in hell.

Meanwhile it’s snowing. A little fluff on the rails and the whole city grinds to a halt. Kids should have snow days every day, much nicer on the trains. Let them sleep in and go when their biological clocks say go, then we can see less of them, the spoiled monsters.

I wonder if I’m going to get to go home early. I wonder if I’m going to be snowed in. I’m so damned sleepy I could wrap myself up in a blanket of snow and sleep for a thousand years. When they thawed me out I was a caveman living in a technological wonderland, the last civilized being living in a scorched desert planet, overrun by savages.

Pretty pretty snow.

–Dan Kilian

Dialogue: Ford’s Ghost and Obama

Last Trip To the Well

Rocket Men

Posted in Fiction, useless excuses on February 4, 2010 by klogtheblog

Editor’s note: This story about a man who blew himself up at a party with an improvised rocket was recently brought to our attention, and it reminded Steve of a dream…

Coincidentally, I had a dream last night that a group of astronauts-in-training (rocket men, so to speak) where hanging out in Mom’s back yard.  They had somehow helped my wife, Nancy, maybe even saved her life, so I was grateful to them and we were giving them food and drink.  They began building a dam out of dirt and leaves and this caused flooding into the next door neighbor’s yard.  There was still plenty of water in our yard as well, and all sorts of latent aquatic life started blooming out of the soil, including a tadpole that had already sprung one leg and stubby little arms.

This was cause for celebration, so I broke out some of my brother John’s home-made fireworks.  One was just a jar of gunpowder with a wick punched through the screw-on lid.  The other was a rectangular metal can of butane (for filling fancy lighters) which was labeled “Rossignol.”  The can had been emptied out and filled with gunpowder, match-heads, etc. – much like the Michigan guy’s home-made rocket.

I took the thing out to where the astronauts were and lit the wick.  There must have been some fluid left in the can that had saturated the wick, because the end of the wick immediately popped like a firecracker, scaring me.  I ran to hide behind the big tree next to the deck, and everyone starting mocking me.  What was left of the wick was burning normally, and it looked like it had about 30 seconds to go.  The astronauts, being cocky military types, were clowning around, standing right next to it, laughing at my cowardice.

The thing detonated, sending fragments of metal all over the rear yard.  The concussion was deafening.  John took some metal splinters to the face and his arm, which protected his eyes – not too bad.  There was a red mist of blood and fat in the air.  One of the astronauts had lost all the skin and muscle on his forearm, leaving his hand intact.  He was in shock, making motions in the air like he was folding laundry.

“Guess he won’t be going to the Moon,” I said, and woke up.

–Steve Kilian


Steve’s Video and Pat’s Video

Secret Gig Tonight

Posted in All things music, useless excuses on January 27, 2010 by klogtheblog

I Dan of The Ks am playing a solo acoustic show tonight after the Spectacles at Pianos upstairs. 9 p.m. Lulow and Stanton.

I’m not advertising it because The Ks have a show on Saturday (9 p.m. at the Ace of Clubs). But I’m excited. Some members of The Ks are going to play as well. Going to play some songs no one’s heard in a while.

Enjoy the President’s State of the Union.



Merry Christmas!

Posted in useless excuses on December 23, 2009 by klogtheblog

–Dan Kilian

Our Greatest Hits, Yolks Semi-Intact

Regarding the Dawn of Language and thus the Dawn of History as a Continuous Narrative of Events, Places, People, and Things