A recent human interest story about creative cheese descriptions inspired us to post some fun blurbs culled from our local cheese-mongers. Here is the crème de la cheese!
Cramulac Fontina is to supermarket Fontina as the patient scraping of a time-scalloped whetstone against a sturdy sword is to the intermittent application of a paper-backed emery board to a cracked Lee nail – a false nail applied to a hand which is surely to be hacked from its owner’s limb by that battle-tested blade. Gorgeous melting cheese.
Gazing upon the vegetable ash that covers this deceptively small lump of GoatLord chevre is to invite madness. One’s sanity follows one’s gaze into the barren moonscape of greys and deep blues until one is immersed in an inky nothingness that consumes all consciousness. Is it possible to be insane without anything that can be reasonably called a mind? But “reasonably” has no place here – you are singing forth unknown colors in the mad chorus of Yog Sothoth – Ia! Ia!
Due to its quick aging process and use of raw, unpasturized milk, Camembert de Normandie is illegal in the United States. This explains the rather extreme price of this smuggled dairy, and why it is served in glass vials. This cheese is buttery and spreadable, unless, as is the case here, it is served in dried out nugget forms. We recommend that you light this cheese in a glass pipe and smoke it, inhaling its rich, almost mushroomy goodness.
Joy was always a bastard to me. I took his feet and strung them on a tree. He crawled at me foaming curses until I pinned him to the dirt with my spear and let the dogs work his back down to the bone. We built our campfire on his corpse and roasted his goats over his sooty skull. We drank his mead and ate his trout all under the light of his flaming long-house. As we rode off the burning thatch drifted into his fields of rye and set them alight. His children cried out for us to take them with us, but we did not turn back. Nor did I let the men have their way with them, though. There is a code we must follow. But enough of that – this is some tasty cheese!
For the love of God, don’t eat this. It’s rotten milk, curdled and laced with mold. Why would you even consider eating this? Cheese is the greatest hoax in the history of cuisine. That “sharpness” you’re tasting? It’s your auto-immune system spitting acid on a hostile poison. Sure, if it got you high, or drunk, it might be worth chewing down some of this nasty gunk, but all this refuse does is make you fat. Somewhere along the way the whole thing got out of hand, enough people got hoodwinked that now everyone’s afraid to admit that the emperor has no clothes, and that the “food” you’re smearing all over your crackers is nothing but decomposed garbage. Don’t be fooled! Of course, if you won’t listen to the obvious truth, you could do worse than this Taleggio from Lombardy.