Archive for the All things political Category

John, Eric, Barry, Mitch, Rich, and Tom Get Drunk

Posted in All things political, Comedy on April 5, 2013 by klogtheblog

Now that The Sequester is kicking in, let’s revisit the thinking behind it, though instead of a nation, let’s make it a bar tab.

BeerOne more round!

I’ll be back in a minute.

Let’s get drunk!

I AM drunk. I think we’re all drunk!

Hey, guys, you set a hundred-dollar limit on your bar tab, and you’ve reached it. Should I close you out?

We definitely want another round.

But close up the tab!

Then how do you want to pay for the round?

Close the tab, but get the round.

You want to start another tab?

No.

Well then…

Just get us the round and we’ll figure out how we’re going to pay for it.

All right…

Hooray!

Hooray what? How are we going to pay for those drinks!

How about Rich pays for it?

No, Rich is always getting rounds.

He got the first round, but he hasn’t chipped in in a while. Also, he’s drinking expensive Scotch, and he spilled all that beer just a half an hour ago. They’re still mopping it up.

No! Rich is our friend. Plus, he might throw us some work. We’re trying to be nice to him. It’ll pay off in the long run.

Then who’s going to pay for it?

We’re not going to pay.

Look, let’s just keep the same tab, and we’ll all chip in. We’ve already ordered the round.

We’re definitely gonna keep drinking.

How about Tom?

Tom’s broke. He’s been out of work since last year.

We’re always buying rounds for Tom. Tom’s out of this round. That’ll take care of it.

One, that’s a jerk thing to do to Tom, and two, it doesn’t take care of the rest of the beer we ordered.

Let’s do some shots.

We can’t afford shots!

We can’t afford beer!

We’ve got to pay for the beer we ordered!

What if we got glasses instead of pints?

What if we only get a drink for Rich?

We’ve got to chip in.

I think we need to join Alcoholics Anonymous.

That makes no….Even if we are alcoholics, we still have to buy the round.

What about you, Barry? What about that envelope?

What?

I saw you putting money into an envelope! We could use that money!

That’s for groceries for my mom!

And beer!

Is this an allegory?

We could use that money for the round and then figure out how to pay it back later.

Maybe you don’t need as many groceries as you think! Are you shopping Whole Foods or Costco? We need beer!

I hate allegories.

No! You can’t use my mom’s grocery money!

We need to stop drinking so much.

Okay, you can use some of the grocery money, but Rich is going to have to buy a round.

No! We need Rich!

Okay, I’ve got it. If we can’t figure out how to pay for this beer by the time the waitress comes back, we get a round of Tabasco Jäger shots.

The “Hot Jags”? Those are nasty!

I’ll throw up.

Exactly! With that hanging over our heads, we’ve got to figure out this tab.

Okay!

Yeah, I guess.

So…can we all chip in?

Use the envelope!

No beer for Tom! But he’s got to do a Hot Jag!

No one’s doing the Hot Jags. That’s just to get our heads straight. So, Mom and Rich get the next round?

No! Rich’s already bought a round.

And he’s good for another!

No!

I like Hot Jags!

All right, guys, here are your beers. You want to pay cash or start a new tab?

Neither!

Excuse me…?

Sorry about that. Um…give us a moment. And in the meantime, could you order us a round of Hot Jags?

And more beer!

To be continued…

–Dan Kilian

Three Kitchen Jokes and Three Hippie Jokes

The Weathergoat

New Links

Posted in All things music, All things political, Art, Comedy, Critique on February 22, 2013 by klogtheblog

Fantastic Isn’t Fantastic Enough, So Let’s Make It Suck

 

A Killer Rationale

 

Nic Cage Needs a New Hairstyle

 

If Records Were Books

 

Tweetping Check out the Twitter activity in realtime

 

Old new gadgets

 

Meteorites Map!  Super cool.

 

Get Songs That Broke Up My Band HERE.

 

You can follow Dan Kilian and The Million Man Band on Facebook HERE!

 

And everything I do on twitter at @theconsumersnyc

The Big Rain Check

Posted in All things political, Comedy on January 4, 2013 by klogtheblog

boenerThe fiscal cliff has been avoided, for a couple months! Now that the New Year’s deal has been reached, let’s sweep away the confetti, rinse out our bottles, vomit, sleep, eat some Chinese food and try to figure out what just happened.

One question we could ask is “How does one avoid a cliff?” I would suggest that not jumping off a cliff is the way. Erosion aside, cliffs don’t move. It’s people who barrel off them who are suicidally lunging to their deaths, and they should avoid lunging. Someone should put up a sign saying “Stay away from the cliff. No lunging.”

No lunging, let’s plunge into the details of this deal.

$400,500 Is the New $250,000

Because Obama can’t sign anything without conceding some major principle he won an election campaigning on, that whole “anyone making $250K or more” principle had to go. Congratulations, people making $300,000: you’re now officially middle-class!

The Payroll Tax Expires

Republicans fought tooth and nail to keep this tax cut for the working class from expiring. I’m only kidding! Congratulations, people making below $110,000: you’re now officially rich!

A Stimulus Package to Create Jobs

Again, I’m only kidding!

A Digging Project

Using offsets found in Medicare, this bill authorizes a public project to dig up the corpse of John Maynard Keynes so that Republicans can kick it.

Sequester and You Shall Find

That was a poor pun using the word sequester. I think there was a show called SeaQuest in the 1990s, but I don’t remember anything about it. It might have had something to do with the sea. Maybe they were looking for the sea, because the earth had dried up? They were on a quest? Did anyone say, “Hey, we’ve got 7.7% unemployment and you’re off on another SeaQuest? You need to focus!” Someone must have made a Ryan Seacrest  joke about this by now, right? Regardless, all the spending cuts are due to expire in a couple months, so get ready for that.

Fixing the Debt Ceiling

At the same time as the sequestration, the debt ceiling comes back around. Remember the debt ceiling? That’s why we’re enduring all this drama in the first place. It’s much like the Christmas thank-yous I meant to write all last year, only now some of those people got me more presents. Now I’ve got to say thanks for the sweater and thanks for the other sweater. I think the debt ceiling is worse, because if I don’t thank Aunt Lou for the cookie platter I don’t think the U.S. economy sinks into the abyss. Oh, and also it wasn’t a Christmas present; I took the cookie platter and threatened to burn down Aunt Lou’s house if she didn’t pay for another one. Okay, I won’t, but I’ll be back in two months, Aunt Lou, so get ready for that.

Now those Pols in Washington have got me writing scary overstrained metaphors about my poor Aunt Lou. We’re supposed to be fixing global warming, not putting out fires we light ourselves. Obama better not negotiate with these clowns in two months, but my bet is he figures out a way to compromise, by negotiating just a little.

–Dan Kilian

God Smoked

Dear Western Beef

Election Night

Posted in All things music, All things political, Comedy, Short Films on November 2, 2012 by klogtheblog

 

–Music by The Ks

–Video and song by Dan Kilian

The Screaming Majority – Corporations Are People

The Screaming Majority – 1937

What Obama Needs To Say

Posted in All things political, Comedy on October 11, 2012 by klogtheblog

At their next debate, when Romney reverses himself on a position that he had previously espoused, Obama should say, “Wait, is that you, Mitt?  Keeping track of your positions is just about impossible. I half expect you to peel of your face and have it be Tom Cruise under there. Or maybe a lizard, I don’t know.”

This does a few things:

1) It holds Romney to his nomination-stage extremism and exposes his pandering shiftiness.

2) It points out how unlikable Romney is on a physical level.

3) It calls attention to the Reptoid agenda that is at the heart of the GOP platform.

Problem solved.

–Steve Kilian

Dear Acme Product Returns

Buncha Videos

 

Big Ideas

Posted in All things political, Comedy on September 10, 2012 by klogtheblog

With the close of the conventions, I’ve heard a bit of commentary that Barack Obama doesn’t have any big ideas to propose for his second term. Why doesn’t he propose some transformative legislation to really challenge America to evolve into its next progressive phase. Because the American people don’t want a jobs program, they want a man on mars or something.

A jobs program? How pedestrian! Where is the hope and change of 2004? I’ll tell you where it went. It got shit out of America along with the jobs in 2004. We need jobs, but the Republicans won’t pass anything that helps the economy, because they are a disloyal opposition scheming for power when they could be helping people. So here’s a bold new idea. Re-elect Barack Obama because fuck those guys.

Last night during a bout with insomnia I thought of what kind of big idea someone could propose, if he wanted his reelection campaign to spin wildly off message, so as to assuage some columnist. Here’s what I got.

The Public Option: Obama can’t fight this battle. He lost it and gave it up, so we could have the framework for Obamacare, which is getting more popular every day, at least for Mitt Romney. But the shit is coming back, probably as an issue for Hillary in ’16.

Legalize It: It’s gonna happen, but not this year. Weed for the cigarette companies, and medicinalize the war on drugs. Save a bunch of lives in Latin America, and do a whole hell of a lot of good. We’ve had a war on drugs since Nixon, and drugs won.

Drop The Embargo On Cuba: This is the kind of thing you drop on people in your second term, not run on. All we need is for Castro to die and his brother to spread some fig leaf of reform. Personally I’d just admit that the US has stubbornly waged economic war on Castro for fifty years and Castro won.

A World Wide Minimum Wage: If all the wealthy democracies could unify on a policy of equity for all, they could form some international committee which would factor in separate nations’ economic needs to determine what a fair wage would be to lift labor above exploitation levels. They could still benefit from low wages, but if they fail to pass the bar set by the World Wide Minimum Wage committee they would face an international tariff. This would be attacked as both protectionist and world governmental, but that’s what it’s going to take to protect the American and Post-War Dream (That’s right, I’m deep into Floyd).

A Moratorium on Drone Strikes: I don’t know, maybe if we stopped killing people they’d like us more.

A War on Starvation: If the US concentrated world opinion on this goal, some international system could be devised so that kids would have those big air-swollen bellies and hopeless eyes. Again, maybe people would like us more.

Bring The Troops Home Early: Accelerate this shit. Karzai’s gonna end up with his head on a spike anyway, might as well have less of our people dying for it.

A True Green Revolution: The American people are ready to dramatically change their way of life to fight global warming. At least some are, especially if we devise a system where they can benefit from meeting carbon footprint reducing goals. How about a gas tax which won’t apply to people who keep their housing heating low? Just spitballing here, but there’s a bunch of behaviors we could positively encourage. If only the hippies and do-gooders are helping, we’re going to toast this planet.

There you have some big bold ideas which would totally distract from the only issue Americans care about which is jobs. Here’s an idea: The Republican Party has been taken over by nimrods and brain-blown maniacs living in a fantasy land of conspiracy theories, pursuing impossible, dangerously reactionary goals. The GOP needs to be killed for the sake of progress. Nothing will get done, and no level-headed critiques of Democratic misdeeds will emerge from this party. They need to die. So vote for Obama for the sake of a new opposition and because fuck those guys.

–Dan Kilian

Summer

Kruller

The Ring of Fire

Posted in All things music, All things political, Fiction on July 27, 2012 by klogtheblog

ImageDeng felt the two heats: the air all around them and the heat at their backs. He saw the dried shrubbery, imagined that as he watched it was wilting even further , in the new heat, about to burst into flames. This was just his imagination; they were a good day’s march in front of The Wall of Fire. The hot wind they felt now was just a precursor to The Great Hot Wind that preceded the flames.

That first night they had slept and they were awakened

by The Great Hot Wind. After that they marched fast and slept little.

Deng had seen the The Wall of Fire, seen the strang

ers who came to light it. Most of the people in his village resented those strangers, and resented The Wall of Fire. Deng, however, had talked to the strangers, and now understood Global Warming. It explained the droughts

. Things were not going to get better. Deng was young, and not afraid of the future, however challenging.

When they went into the city and watched the TV, th

ey saw the pictures of the great fiery ring from space. Many of the villagers were angry and afraid, but Deng thought it looked beautiful. Yes, the city was now gone, eaten by the flames (Deng assumed someone must have taken the television. Was it somehow hidden by one of the refugees who had joined their numbers?) but man

y of the people would survive and thrive in a new location. Maybe Sudan wasn’t the great country they’d been led to believe.

The Elders had told them they were going to Egypt, and

maybe to France. Deng had read that France was full of racists. He wanted to go to America. His Father said they had racists in America too, and they weren’t letting people in, now that The World was in Exodus.

Deng knew he could find a way. This wasn’t the end. This fire around the world was going to be a new beginning. He could feel it.

–Dan Kilian

Editors note: This was the program for the Set The Equator On Fi

re benefit, The Ks second-to-last show.

Purge 

The Loneliest Blacksmith