The Big Rain Check

boenerThe fiscal cliff has been avoided, for a couple months! Now that the New Year’s deal has been reached, let’s sweep away the confetti, rinse out our bottles, vomit, sleep, eat some Chinese food and try to figure out what just happened.

One question we could ask is “How does one avoid a cliff?” I would suggest that not jumping off a cliff is the way. Erosion aside, cliffs don’t move. It’s people who barrel off them who are suicidally lunging to their deaths, and they should avoid lunging. Someone should put up a sign saying “Stay away from the cliff. No lunging.”

No lunging, let’s plunge into the details of this deal.

$400,500 Is the New $250,000

Because Obama can’t sign anything without conceding some major principle he won an election campaigning on, that whole “anyone making $250K or more” principle had to go. Congratulations, people making $300,000: you’re now officially middle-class!

The Payroll Tax Expires

Republicans fought tooth and nail to keep this tax cut for the working class from expiring. I’m only kidding! Congratulations, people making below $110,000: you’re now officially rich!

A Stimulus Package to Create Jobs

Again, I’m only kidding!

A Digging Project

Using offsets found in Medicare, this bill authorizes a public project to dig up the corpse of John Maynard Keynes so that Republicans can kick it.

Sequester and You Shall Find

That was a poor pun using the word sequester. I think there was a show called SeaQuest in the 1990s, but I don’t remember anything about it. It might have had something to do with the sea. Maybe they were looking for the sea, because the earth had dried up? They were on a quest? Did anyone say, “Hey, we’ve got 7.7% unemployment and you’re off on another SeaQuest? You need to focus!” Someone must have made a Ryan Seacrest  joke about this by now, right? Regardless, all the spending cuts are due to expire in a couple months, so get ready for that.

Fixing the Debt Ceiling

At the same time as the sequestration, the debt ceiling comes back around. Remember the debt ceiling? That’s why we’re enduring all this drama in the first place. It’s much like the Christmas thank-yous I meant to write all last year, only now some of those people got me more presents. Now I’ve got to say thanks for the sweater and thanks for the other sweater. I think the debt ceiling is worse, because if I don’t thank Aunt Lou for the cookie platter I don’t think the U.S. economy sinks into the abyss. Oh, and also it wasn’t a Christmas present; I took the cookie platter and threatened to burn down Aunt Lou’s house if she didn’t pay for another one. Okay, I won’t, but I’ll be back in two months, Aunt Lou, so get ready for that.

Now those Pols in Washington have got me writing scary overstrained metaphors about my poor Aunt Lou. We’re supposed to be fixing global warming, not putting out fires we light ourselves. Obama better not negotiate with these clowns in two months, but my bet is he figures out a way to compromise, by negotiating just a little.

–Dan Kilian

God Smoked

Dear Western Beef

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