Dear Enormous Sea Creature

Dear Enormous Sea Creature:

It has come to my attention that I have been grasped by your tentacles and am even now being drawn toward your snapping beaked mouth.  I would request that you reconsider this course of action, as it is of limited benefit to you and represents a considerable inconvenience for me.

The former can be plainly discerned when the ratio of our body masses is considered:  I am too small a morsel to appreciably contribute toward your daily caloric requirements.  A bull walrus or even a seal would be more worth your while.

As for the second concern – that of my being inconvenienced — I will admit that this is not really something with which I would expect you to be troubled.  However, I am now in a position to offer you a reward merely to cease this inconvenience.  In this way my concerns become yours, as so often occurs when trade opens between parties in possession of enlightened self-interest.

Of course you might ask, “What does this puny being have to offer me, Klaargaz, Lord of the Deep, Countenance of the Trench, Shaper of Currents, That Which Swims Beyond?”  Well, Klaargaz (if I may be so bold as to use such a familiar term – I feel that our current relationship warrants the attempt, at least), while in fact of small stature, I am a highly-evolved entity from the surface of the planet.  As such I am able to offer to gaze into the unblinking orbs that ring your siphon-anus, and in so doing allow you to blast my sanity and consume my very consciousness.  All I would ask for in return is to be deposited onto a larger portion of the wreckage of my sundered vessel, there to be collected by a passing freighter and conducted to an asylum for unidentified madmen.

I look forward to your timely response.

In good faith,

H_____ L__________

****

Dear Pathetic Human Worm:

Glaaaaahhhh!!!  Graaacccchhhhhhhhhh!!! Slaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhaaa!!!!

Your God,

K

–Steve Kilian

Hey Hey

Minions of Thor

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