Archive for February, 2012

Live Blogging The Oscars

Posted in Comedy, Critique on February 27, 2012 by klogtheblog

Eddie Murphy looks terrible.

Oh it’s Billy Crystal! Some jokes about how he’s too old for that hot young demographic that I guess Eddie Murphy captured? Maybe the kids all have sweet memories of The Klumps?

Recycled George Clooney gay shtick, rote “I’m interacting with the movies” business, and the orchestra’s too loud for the song. I guess we can’t blame Billy Crystal for anything. He’s a good sport to do it again at the last minute, and we’re all good sports for watching!

Will Scorsese sweep the consolation prizes?

J-Lo and C-Daz have fun with their asses.

Interviews with actors explaining what it’s like to go to the movies. Inspired to write future blogs titled “What It’s Like To Watch TV” and  “What It’s Like To Sit Down At A Computer.”

Iranian guy: Please don’t bomb my country! We make movies too!

Christopher Plummer does a nice old guy speech.

What, you can have Circe d’Soleil, but no muppets singing? I guess they didn’t want to have to have someone sing that other song. Beyonce just had a baby, after all.

Meryl Streep just seems like a nice person, and the mother of us all.

Moby mocks Angelina’s leg.

France wins! Gooood dog!

That’s it.

To sum up: We’re all good sports.

–Dan Kilian

Live Blogging The Oscars 2010

Live Blogging the Oscars 2009

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I Gave Up Borrowing for Lent -or- Fat Thursday

Posted in All things music, Comedy, Fiction on February 24, 2012 by klogtheblog

A man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the  commandments.”

“All Commandments I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, why don’t you give up chocolates?”

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he really, really loved chocolate,  because it is so delicious.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for some people to give up chocolate. It’s just so creamy-good and satisfying. I’ll tell you what, give it up for forty days and I’ll transubstantiate the bunnies of the valley into sweet sweet chocolate.”

After this, there was some discussion as to whether that ‘eye of a needle’ expression was anachronistic, and it was decided by all that they probably had needles and eyes and said things like that.

***

Okay, that might not be how it actually reads in scripture. Lent was one of those things the Catholics made up so they could be more like the Young Man than like Jesus. So if you’re denying yourself something for Lent, might I mention that The Ks have ordained tonight Fat Thursday, and we’re also proposing the concept of Deficit Lenting, which allows you to indulge in the first week of this arbitrary window which chronologically has more to do with harvesting than any actual events in the life of Jesus. You can make up for it after Easter. New Orleans aside, who really wants the big party to happen on a Tuesday? So enjoy the celebrations tonight, and gladly pay four Tuesdays from now for a hamburger, a beer or some chocolate today!

It has come to my attention that some of you are not Catholic. We love you too!

–Dan Kilian

Note: This was the program for The Ks performance at The Lakeside Lounge Thursday, Feb 23 2012.

The Seventh Sword

The Screamin’ Demons

Unplugged…and Seated

Posted in All things music on February 15, 2012 by klogtheblog

It’s fashion week in New York, and that means the forever young Rod Stewart can be frequently sighted in Chelsea, smoking a cigarette, taking a break from trawling for a new wife on the catwalks. What would I say to the five decades in the business superstar if I met him? “Rod, stop smoking, or you’ll get a raspy voice!” I can see him rolling his eyes, heard it a  million times mate, though I probably wouldn’t get a “mate” from The Mod, and even if I did it would be dismissive shtick, though I’d more likely just get the eye-roll and a turn of the back. “Stop recording Rod! You’re ruining the American songbook!” What would it accomplish? Would my dissent drown out the throngs of sycophants telling Mr. Stewart he’s another Tony Bennett? Do I really want to hurt the man’s feelings? What if he’s already stopped, retired and I just don’t know it? It’d be like kicking a dead man, or at least a fairly old one. “You know that story about the stomach pump? I don’t think you blew a soccer team, I bet they just had that stuff in a jar or something, and you drank it on a dare!” No, he’s probably touchy about that whole story, still. Maybe I could just sing him the refrain from “Young Turks.” Would he join me for a duet? Roll his eyes and turn the back again? (What do I mean “again”? I haven’t even seen the guy. All the reports are  secondhand.) Accuse me of desecrating his tune? Was happiness really found in each other’s arms, as expected? Is time really on their side? Was it ever on mine? Does it really matter? All that really matters is being free tonight. Maybe that’s what I’ll tell ol’ Rod.

Be free tonight.

–Dan Kilian

This is from the program from the acoustic show we did at some club the other night.

 Bond Reflects

Hollywood Screenwriter’s Crrrazzzy Dream

Dear Enormous Sea Creature

Posted in Comedy, Fiction on February 13, 2012 by klogtheblog

Dear Enormous Sea Creature:

It has come to my attention that I have been grasped by your tentacles and am even now being drawn toward your snapping beaked mouth.  I would request that you reconsider this course of action, as it is of limited benefit to you and represents a considerable inconvenience for me.

The former can be plainly discerned when the ratio of our body masses is considered:  I am too small a morsel to appreciably contribute toward your daily caloric requirements.  A bull walrus or even a seal would be more worth your while.

As for the second concern – that of my being inconvenienced — I will admit that this is not really something with which I would expect you to be troubled.  However, I am now in a position to offer you a reward merely to cease this inconvenience.  In this way my concerns become yours, as so often occurs when trade opens between parties in possession of enlightened self-interest.

Of course you might ask, “What does this puny being have to offer me, Klaargaz, Lord of the Deep, Countenance of the Trench, Shaper of Currents, That Which Swims Beyond?”  Well, Klaargaz (if I may be so bold as to use such a familiar term – I feel that our current relationship warrants the attempt, at least), while in fact of small stature, I am a highly-evolved entity from the surface of the planet.  As such I am able to offer to gaze into the unblinking orbs that ring your siphon-anus, and in so doing allow you to blast my sanity and consume my very consciousness.  All I would ask for in return is to be deposited onto a larger portion of the wreckage of my sundered vessel, there to be collected by a passing freighter and conducted to an asylum for unidentified madmen.

I look forward to your timely response.

In good faith,

H_____ L__________

****

Dear Pathetic Human Worm:

Glaaaaahhhh!!!  Graaacccchhhhhhhhhh!!! Slaaaaaaarrrrrrgggghhaaa!!!!

Your God,

K

–Steve Kilian

Hey Hey

Minions of Thor