The Secret War Between Leprechauns and Elves

George’s car broke down along a lonely stretch of road in Colorado. He’d never hitch hiked, but as the length of the walk to the nearest exit dawned on him, he stuck his thumb out. No takers.

With his car miles behind him and miles to go, nature called. Gearge saw a small patch of woods, and took advantage of it. Sweet relief!

Just as he was making his way back to the road he heard a loud rustling in some nearby bushes. He was startled to see a very small man, perhaps two feet tall, emerge from the bushes. The man was very portly, with a bushy and fiery-red beard and carrying a proportionally large and evidently heavy cloth sack. He was dressed all in green, in a dapper classic style and a Puritan style hat. He also had three small arrows protruding from hip, side and back. He was bleeding profusely.

“Pleas sir…” the little man gasped.

“Oh my God!” George shouted, “What? What can I…?”

“Please sir!” rasped the little man, opening up his bag. Inside it was packed with gold coins. “I’ll give you all this gold if you just wish these arrows out of me!”

“You want me to wish those arrows…”

“I’ll give you three wishes, but they’ve got to be for the arrows! You can have all the gold!”

“You’re a…Why can’t you just wish them out yourself?”

“It doesn’t work that way! Please sir, I’m dyin’”

“Okay, okay! I’ll do it!” The Leprechaun (for that was what he was) set the bag of gold on the ground before him. “I wish that arrow…” George pointed at the arrow protruding from the Leprechauns hip, “I wish that arrow would go away…”

“and leave no wound!”

“…and leave no wound.”

The arrow disappeared, and the bloody hole from which it protruded was gone as well!

“I wish this arrow gone and leaves no wound. And I wish this…wait can I wish for more wishes?”

“NO! PLEASE! I’m bloody dying, you greedy prick!”

George wished the third arrow away. The little man smiled and did a little jig. “I’m alive! Aye, tis good! Here’s your gold, as promised! Now I must be off before…”

He could not finish his sentence, as another small arrow had lodged itself in his neck. In quick succession two more arrows lodged themselves in his chest. He collapsed, blood gushing from his mouth.

Out of the bushes George saw three of the most perfect looking little people he could ever imagine to see. They were shorter and slimmer than the leprechaun, dressed in leaves and carrying bows. They walked purposefully towards George and the fallen leprechaun. Two of them grabbed the bag of gold and one shot the leprechaun again in the chest, ending his twitching. His body began to smoke and dissolve.

One of them looked up at George and glanced to his compatriot. “The son of Man has seen us. What do we do?”

“Kill him.”

In an instant the little elf shot a tiny arrow, piecing  George’s throat. He fell to his knees. The elf shot him again in the eye, the arrow going into his brain, killing him instantly.

The elves took their gold and left.

–Dan Kilian

The Monitor vs. The Minotaur

Skullhead

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