Archive for October, 2011
I’m Gorglax, and I’ll be your motherfucking waiter tonight. You all want massive tankards of fermented chrisaak blood spiced with gallroot resin? Good, because that’s what you get. I’ll be back for the next part of this empty charade.
OK. You fuckers drunk enough to eat yet? Excellent. I’ll bring out the meat.
Fuckers! Shut the fuck up! This is the meat. Here and here is rabbit and frog, respectively. That big thing is a grall heart. This, this, and this are its eyes. That syrupy stuff is trinark venom – the chef’s a fucking madman. There’s no tuberoot. Eat up and I’ll be back with more blood.
You insignificant pieces of shit want something sweet? Any of you die yet for the love of god? We’ve got banker’s fungus and kingsmount talons. Yes, they’re fucking steamed in Southwall ale. I’d go with the fungus anyway. What? Do you really expect me to embark on an etymological lecture regarding the items on our dessert card, perhaps spicing up the straight linguistics with discursions into monetary policy and the proper treatment of papyrus fibers intended for use as currency, hmmm? Ain’t happening.
That’s it, pay up. Eighteen percent is added for groups of three or more. You can make return reservations with Gwen out front. Now go.
The 99% Movement started by Wall Street Occupation has been answered by a bunch of corporate dupes in the 53% Movement. The 99 is the percent who aren’t the top 1% running the country, and the 53 is the percent who pay out in their income taxes. One side argues that the richest people shouldn’t get all the bailouts and influence over our politicians to the detriment of the rest of Americans, and the other side wants more taxes for the poor. Both sides have a point, although only one side has a good point.
Of course, this is only the beginning. If there’s anything Americans all can agree on, it’s division. So what other nascent percent based groups are rising to the surface out there?
These are the people who don’t actually don’t pay out in income taxes but think they do. You can find many of them on the 53% web site.
The rich people who read Paul Krugman. Actually a small fraction of .009%
People who are giving their all, and then some. Wait, if they were giving their all, isn’t it impossible to give more? Wouldn’t whatever extra amount they’re giving top out at what would be their actual 100%? There’s something mathematically wrong with this. Can God make a stone heavier than He can lift?
These people want strong bones and thick hair, but don’t want to get fat. Still, skim milk is just too watery for them.
These are the people who think they’re tipping enough but they’re not.
Members of this group wouldn’t want to be a member of a group that would have them as a member.
Maybe you’re in this group. Maybe you’re not.
The 99% of 99%
Quick, how much is that? Take whatever crazy number you got and multiply it by .99. Now do it again, ad infinitum. It’s always slightly less than whatever it is. This ever dwindling group is comprised mostly of reality show participants and employed people.
When you take the 36 percent of voters who identify as “independent” and strip away those who are actually “leaning” Democratic or Republican (in other words, the damned liars who think it’s fashionable to seem independent when they’re not) you get this group who are actually going to decided next years election. They probably don’t care about real issues, and will likely vote based on how the candidates feel about cats or something. There goes our future. And it’s actually 15%, but I’ve already got a bit about The 15%, so I had to fudge the number.
This is the number of people in The United States who worship Satan. Some like to think that there’s something numerically significant to the 666 in this percentage, but it’s really just a fortuitous coincidence that this percentage of Devil worshipers (a higher number than many realize) is currently such a popular number with The Cult of the Dark One, since the number has fluctuated over the last ten years, from 62.1 to 67.8, the high point, in 2003.
In closing, a little history about the word “percent.” Most people think it’s directly Latin in derivation, but it’s actually a misnomer of the word “placenta” which was accepted over time. It seems that in the Middle Ages people would carry around their placentas, and use them as measuring units. The amount of coins one could wrap in one’s afterbirth was a respected and compared attribute, so one’s “placenta” became one’s “percent” which eventually, as measurement became more sophisticated, became the parts of a hundred meaning associated with the word today. So the next time some protester says “I’m the 99 Percent,” you could say, “That’s an awful lot of placenta!” and see what interesting conversations ensue.
Reynald sat against the side of the trench, panting. Steam rose frome his shoulder where the pitch had landed. The skin crackled under his armor, filling the trench with a smell like roasting pork. Such was the hunger of the men that their stomachs growled at the thought of cooked flesh, even human.
Reynald nodded to Sergei and closed his eyes. Sergei grabbed the collar of the pitch-soaked brigandine and tore it away, hoping for the best. Instead it pulled away a broad sheet of skin, exposing muscle across Reynald’s shoulder and chest. A fresh plume of steam perfumed the air. Reynald gasped and started to shake, gripping Sergei’s wrist and squeezing against the pain.
Fuck the Germans, thought Sergei. Holding up in their fortress, barring their doors against their fellow men while the Changed marched against the rear lines of what remained of Reynald’s army. Even now the masked scouts rode forward to report that the undead were less than two days away. They had to find shelter or keep moving through a depleted landscape, and the men were already dropping from hunger and dysentery.
And now Reynald was going to die. He had almost won back the world. Now just one more corpse to watch.
Sergei turned to the men. “If it’s needed, I’ll do it myself. Either way, we take the fortress at dawn.”