God Smoked

God smoked the entire crop of Lava Lovely by causing the eruption of Mount Kaineua in the afternoon of Tuesday, April 20th, 2018.  The eruption started with the venting of 3,400 metric tons of steam laden with sulfur and carbon monoxide.  The rising plume of super-heated vapor displaced a column of cool air extending 15,000 feet into the atmosphere.  The cooling steam then collapsed vertically into the caldera of the formerly dormant volcano.

 

As this happened, magma erupted from the fissure created by the escaping steam.  The boiling rock instantaneously flash-fired the marijuana crop, comprising approximately 2,300 tons of harvest-ready plants.

 

The descending column of air, on meeting the smoke rising from the incinerated marijuana, formed a vortex.  The funnel cloud was visible 9 miles away.  Simultaneously long-empty lava tubes created during previous eruptions were filled with 3,000-degree-celsius air and methane from the primary magma release.  This promptly exploded through the relatively thin caps of soil and debris at the termini of the tubes.

 

The release of this volume of gas created a negatively pressurized zone, providing a path of least resistance for the descending tornado of marijuana smoke.  The smoke was pulled through the boiling magma and into the lava tubes, repressurizing the tubes.  Much of the smoke then percolated back upward through the magma, causing large pockets of vapor to bubble out of the liquid stone.  On reaching the surface the exterior of these bubbles solidified and immediately burst from internal pressure, releasing powerful explosive shock-waves and creating a pyroclastic flow down the eastern face of the volcano.

 

The sound of this was heard as far away at Kailuaea (a resort town).  Guests at the Kailuaea Hilton said that it sounded at first like coughing, and then like laughter.

–Steve Kilian

Imagined Conversation with Ray Parker Jr.

The Tipsy Parson: November 3 2009

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