Archive for September, 2011

The New Drinking Games

Posted in Comedy on September 29, 2011 by klogtheblog

Want to get drunk? Here are some new amusing ways to finesse the process. Never mind that you should just socialize and have a few beverages over the course of an evening laughing and having conversations. You need to get drunk, and fast, and that’s the entire point. Well, here’s how!

Beer Tennis

Same rules as beer pong, except instead of cups on a table, and actual tennis court is used, with buckets of beer instead of plastic cups. Not extreme enough? How about garbage cans and a soccer ball you throw over the roof of your house and you drink the garbage cans, or how about giant reservoirs of beer and you fly planes into them and you drink the reservoir or how about entire galaxies of beer and you throw planets into them and you drink the galaxies? Or maybe some kind of Nerf ball based variation on Beer Pong.

Super Flip Cup

Hate waiting while your teammates are trying to flip over the cup? Now you can participate! Because Super Flip Cup includes handguns! See how the other player flips a cup with bullets flying by. It gets even wilder in the free for all round. Game concludes with a round of Russian Roulette…with beer!

The Beer Bong

This isn’t a giant funnel with a tube. This is an actual beer bong, and you smoke the beer. Still in development.

The Bob Newhart Game

If you mention Bob Newhart everyone else laughs and says “You’re old!” Soon they don’t want to hang with you, and you drink by yourself in a dive bar with all the other old guys.

Drunken Monopoly

Each player tried to monopolize the alcohol, hoarding booze bottles and refusing to pour for others. Soon a fistfight breaks out. Which could be a way to segue into…

Drunken Fight Club

Like Fight Club, only with more of a focus on drinking.

To Kill A Mockingbird

A number of mocking birds are released into the party. The participants hunt them down and kill them. Each dead bird gives you the power to force another player to chug. Or maybe there’s tequila involved.

Drinking In Silence

Participants sit in the gloom, glowering at each other, sipping their beers in angry silence. If anyone talks, everyone has to drink.

Beer Pinata

The best drinker is forced to drink an entire keg of beer. This hero is then hung, and poked with forks. As the body swings and twists on its rope, a fountain of beer sprays the participants who try to catch the tiny streams of alcohol in their mouths.

Burning Down The House

Watch the Ken Burns documentary series “Prohibition.” Every time he mentions David Byrne, drink. Every time he mentions alcohol, light your house on fire. This one’s good if you like a little pyromania with your partying.

The Intervention

Confronting an alcoholic with his or her destructive behavior is never fun. Until now! Each person who shares a story of personal destruction caused by the miserable soul’s addiction gets to force someone else in the circle to chug a beer. If you make the alcoholic cry everybody drinks!

Remember to drink to excess responsibly.

–Dan Kilian

Extraordinary Measurements

Consider Your Enemies

Octopus

Posted in Art on September 28, 2011 by klogtheblog

–Dan Kilian

I Sell Sea Shells

Sorvious: The K Word

Bring Back The Monday Night Drunk

Posted in All things music, Fiction, Short Films on September 27, 2011 by klogtheblog

Just a little wine with dinner. Can I check your wine list? No, you don’t have a wine list? What, is it on the menu? What, you don’t serve food? Okay, then I’ll have some potato chips. And a beer. Less alcohol, won’t make me sleepy. Can you believe they don’t serve food here? Yeah, potato chips. Better than the last place. I’ve got one. Got to have a base, right? Want a chip? Suit yourself.

Yes, another, please! You know what this place needs, besides a menu and a wine list? A big jar of pickled eggs. Man, they had those in Louisville and when you were drunk enough, you’d eat one of those things! Nasty! I could go for one right now.

Jesus did work suck today. Literally suck, like a vampire, all your energy, all your blood. This was going to be a big week, but no, it’s already over. It’s those bitches in Human Resources*, they make everything three times as hard as it needs to be. And the meetings! Shoot me in the head and stab me!

Yes, please! And let’s have a shot! Bourbon. You work? Yeah? You work tomorrow? Just asking, because it’s a school night. Kind of hate that expression, really. What are we, gonna pretend we’re little kids until we die? Personally I’d rather fight off a hangover at work than at home. Got to get going, get your blood flowing, instead of lying around in a pool of gross.

Still, I’m usually not out this early in the week. Got a friend in a band playing tonight, just killing a little time, getting some dinner before the show. You want to go check out a band? They’re   probably not that good, if they can’t swing a weekend. How about a chip? Okay. Hey what time is it, anyway? Ah shit. They’re already done. You want to see some other band? You never know, right? I’m pretty amped up.

Hey, can I have some more chips? And another shot. You want some chips? A shot? What are you, on a diet?

Thank you! I’ll have one more! This is gonna be the best week ever!

–Dan Kilian

* This is a piece of fiction. I work at a job with the nicest Human Resources team in the world.

This was the program from The Ks performance at Pianos on 9-26-11. The video is from a Local 269 performance earlier in the year.

No Other Place

Peace

Dear Western Beef

Posted in Comedy, Fiction on September 23, 2011 by klogtheblog

Dear Western Beef:

While I appreciate your reasonable prices and the quality of your goods (those 4-pound chicken breasts are wonderful!), I must take exception to the way your presence on the World Wide Web is managed.  The reasons for this are two-fold:

1)  When I attempt to access the Weekly Sale portion of your Web Page from my car-phone, I frequently get an error message stating that a maximum file size has been exceeded.  Perhaps you could provide a more compact LONG ARE THE NIGHTS OF THE SLOAR! file for viewing on mobile devices?

2)  I frequently visit your Web Page from a Desktop computer THE BLADES OF KANGOR ARE SLICK WITH VIRGIN BLOOD on Friday morning in anticipation of learning what items are on sale for the upcoming week (as you are no doubt aware your sale periods extend from Thursday to ThursSLAUGHTER!day, so Friday is a big day!), but am frequently disappointed to find that the old circular is what is posted on your website.  Please be more vigilant in THE THROAT-SACKS OF THE LIZARDFOLK ADORN MY CHEST AND TESTICLES updating your website.

In closing, I would like to reiterate my appreciation for THE BATTLEMAGE WORKS HIS DARK ART, SETTING THE PLAIN ALIGHT WITH UNQUENCHABLE BLUE FIRE the service you provide in neighborhoods across the city.  I feel that my suggestions, if heeded, will only improve on what is already a successful THE CRIES OF THE ENEMIES ASSAIL THE FRAGILE VEIL OF SANITY THAT SECURES US TO THIS WORLDPLANE business model.

Your faithful customer,

ZARKLON THE LESSER, NINTH DEMIARCH OF THE SOUTHERN WASTES, SCOURGE OF THE HAAR-KILLEEN, DESTROYER OF AQUEDUCTS, REPUDIATOR OF THE FALSE TEXTS OF SIMEON OF GRALLBEN, GRAND POTENTATE OF THE GRAILSTAR, HUMBLE RECIPIENT OF THE GRASPING HELM OF SQUARDILEEM, EMPEROR OF THE INNER NULLITY, TRAVELER ON THE UNLIT PATH, LEFT HAND OF THE ELDER LLARNACH, POSSESSOR OF VESSELS, SLEEPER IN THE LIGHT, HE OF A THOUSAND NAMES.

–Steve Kilian

Heroes of a Lesser Power # 46

Our Greatest Hits, Yolks Semi-Intact

God Smoked

Posted in Comedy, Fiction on September 13, 2011 by klogtheblog

God smoked the entire crop of Lava Lovely by causing the eruption of Mount Kaineua in the afternoon of Tuesday, April 20th, 2018.  The eruption started with the venting of 3,400 metric tons of steam laden with sulfur and carbon monoxide.  The rising plume of super-heated vapor displaced a column of cool air extending 15,000 feet into the atmosphere.  The cooling steam then collapsed vertically into the caldera of the formerly dormant volcano.

 

As this happened, magma erupted from the fissure created by the escaping steam.  The boiling rock instantaneously flash-fired the marijuana crop, comprising approximately 2,300 tons of harvest-ready plants.

 

The descending column of air, on meeting the smoke rising from the incinerated marijuana, formed a vortex.  The funnel cloud was visible 9 miles away.  Simultaneously long-empty lava tubes created during previous eruptions were filled with 3,000-degree-celsius air and methane from the primary magma release.  This promptly exploded through the relatively thin caps of soil and debris at the termini of the tubes.

 

The release of this volume of gas created a negatively pressurized zone, providing a path of least resistance for the descending tornado of marijuana smoke.  The smoke was pulled through the boiling magma and into the lava tubes, repressurizing the tubes.  Much of the smoke then percolated back upward through the magma, causing large pockets of vapor to bubble out of the liquid stone.  On reaching the surface the exterior of these bubbles solidified and immediately burst from internal pressure, releasing powerful explosive shock-waves and creating a pyroclastic flow down the eastern face of the volcano.

 

The sound of this was heard as far away at Kailuaea (a resort town).  Guests at the Kailuaea Hilton said that it sounded at first like coughing, and then like laughter.

–Steve Kilian

Imagined Conversation with Ray Parker Jr.

The Tipsy Parson: November 3 2009

Attention Ladies:

Posted in Comedy, Critique on September 9, 2011 by klogtheblog

Regarding eyebrow-tweezing, please exercise some restraint.  While it is certainly fine to pluck the odd errant hair, there is no call to get obsessive about your eyebrows.  Taken in the abstract, eyebrows are fairly disgusting things:  a row of bristles, the purpose of which is to prevent secretions from the flesh skull-covering above from dripping into the seeping gelatinous light-traps that typically occur below.  And don’t get me started on the nose – a mucus- and hair-lined tube for filtering solids from the air – yeesh.  The human head in general is really a mass of sensor pods of varying degrees of repulsiveness, prone to discharges both thick and runny, a gnashing mass of orifices emanating sounds which should drive any thinking person completely insane.  So if your eyebrow is not quite arched the way you’d like it, it doesn’t really matter.  That’s like saying the maggots on a rotting goat aren’t lined up quite right.  It’s simply not material.  So relax.

–Steve Kilian

Post-Season

The House of Wrongs

Steve’s Wardrobe Choice

Posted in Comedy, Fiction on September 2, 2011 by klogtheblog

Steve woke up early on Thursday morning.  He had a busy but not particularly challenging workday ahead of him, and he thought that the time would pass quickly.  Afterward he would go to the bar around the corner with people from work and some friends, and that would be enjoyable.

What to wear, what to wear?

He surveyed an array of button-down shirts, many of them made of fabric treated to make ironing unnecessary.  This was an excellent innovation that had occurred during his lifetime.  These are the golden years, he thought.

To a casual observer the shirts were largely the same, with small variations on the theme of a grid of lines on a solid background.  To Steve they represented a wildly differentiated menagerie of expression.  Light purple lines at a 3/16″ spacing on white versus dark blue at 1/4″ were as unalike as a dolphin and a kangaroo.  The one spoke of the order imposed by a fascist regime on an unwilling public (to which in weaker moments he took a romantic shine) while the other was an example of emergent form-making rising from fundamental principles inherent to all matter.  He did not notice that he was almost inaudibly whispering, “Snowflakes . . . snowflakes. . . .”

Finally he selected a shirt with white lines spaces at 1/8″ on a blue background.  This represented pure chaos, an inversion of any semblance of consciousness, thought and matter unbound in an ever-unraveling quantum haze of superimposed states of possibility.  “Besides,” he thought,

“Bitches love grids!”

–Steve Kilian

Stephen Hawking Contemplates The Void

Abandoned Halloween Costume Ideas