Star Wars VII: Yet Another New Hope

The Ewoks sang by the light of the glowing umbra of the flame cloud that used to be the Death Star. Chewbacca gave a groaning call of triumph. Han Solo, drink in hand, trademark impish grin on his face, danced over to Luke.

“You did it kid! You blew up the Death Star!”

“Well, I couldn’t have done it without The Force.”

“Well thank goodness for The Force! Now let’s go to the Emperor’s planet, and end The Empire once and for all!”

The next morning the party was over and the Rebel Forces embarked for the Imperial Planet. Luke felt a sense of misgiving.

Luke.

“Is that you, Ben?”

Yes. I’m right over here.

Luke turned to see Ben Kenobi’s spirit, glowing in the hallows of the woods.

You have used The Force well, Luke. Now you must finish The Emperor off!

“Well, that’s what we’re looking to do right now! Wish me luck!”

Good luck. We’re all pulling for you!

The mission didn’t go well. The Emperor still had a vast army of Tie Fighters. Luke managed to single handedly destroy several battle cruisers, but the smaller ships overwhelmed the rag-tag Rebel squadron.

“They’re all around me!” screamed some random guy Luke had just met, before he exploded. They had to retreat back to Endor.

The Ewoks sang a cute but sad little dirge, as Luke wandered dispiritedly in the woods.

Luke.

“Ben! You’ve got to help! We’re getting destroyed out there. We need more…more…more of the Force!”

Hey, it was The Force that destroyed those Battle Cruisers. At some point, you Rebels need to deliver on your own.

“But The Emperor has all those well trained Storm Troopers! Is there anything more you can do?”

Look, Luke. We’re already involved with two other star wars in the next galaxy over. We’re kind of over extended right now. This is starting to feel like The Clone Wars all over again.

“But Ben…”

Hey, the good news is, Darth Vader defected to the good side of The Force. So maybe the Emperor’s inner circle is crumbling?

“Can’t we get some more light sabers?”

No can do. There’s a little concern about the make-up of your forces. Those Ewoks have some pretty crazy religious beliefs…

“What about getting more Jedi warriors?”

No boots on the ground. Definitely not! Besides, Luke, I’ve been meaning to tell you…we’re turning this operation over to our allies. Maybe they can help you.

“Who are your allies?”

You’ll see…

Just then a ship landed on the airfield outside the Forest. Ben Kenobi winked out of sight, so Luke went to see this new arrival. What he saw was not encouraging. Gungans!

The Gungan ambassador stumbled off his exit ramp and then, seeing Luke waved and smiled.

“Herro! Meesa so hrappy to be back!”

–Dan Kilian

Mark Twain, Karl Marx, and Socrates: At It Again

Intro from last night’s show: Asphalt Planet

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