Archive for March, 2011

Zombie Octopus Island II

Posted in Fiction on March 31, 2011 by klogtheblog

It wrapped its coils around the struggling man, drawing him to its beak.  It tore into the man’s belly, sucking in great loops of delicious flesh.  The sea was perfumed by the feast’s spreading plume.  The bubbles from the man’s head ceased in seconds.

For so many years it had lurked in the depths, gazing at the hulls of boats above, motes in the brilliance of the overlight.  What were these beings that touched God’s face and splashed in the shallows?  What great flagella drove their vessels, lashing the surface of the deep?  For so many years it had hidden from them, mottling its surface to match its surroundings, spreading flat or clenching tight into a knot of silent fear, moving ever deeper.  For so many years it had worshipped them.

Then it had drunk the new ink.  The gods themselves had spilled it from the shine-shell in the cold trench.  And, having drunk this irresistible fluid, a new awareness dawned, even as its tentacles started to rot from the workings of the ink.

Men were not gods.  They were prey.

–Steve Kilian

When Charm Fails

Mark Twain, Karl Marx, and Socrates: At It Again

Obama Jokes

Posted in All things political, Comedy on March 29, 2011 by klogtheblog

What does Obama say when he gets the power to become invisible? “Let me be clear.”

What is Obama’s favorite Keith Richards song? “Make No Mistake.”*

How does Obama admit that, truly, he is neither Christian nor Muslim, but something far more Pagan? “Yes, Wiccan.”

Why did Obama cross the road? To get to the middle.

Some sort of knock knock joke with bombs or rocks or something.

How do you know Obama wasn’t born in this country? Because he’s black. Racist? Yes. Yes it is. NPR guy was right.

So Obama, Jackie Robinson and Sammy Davis Jr. go into a bar. The bartender says, “Mr. President, it’s an honor to have you in this establishment, but even you can’t bring two rotting corpses into a bar.”

–Dan Kilian

*You don’t know that song? Check it out! Oh, and he says “Let me be clear” and “Make no mistake” a lot. Like, every speech.

The Moon Landing That Might Have Been

Milky Sputum: Dan and Pat do Siren Fest

Lucky The Third Time: The Obama Doctrine

Posted in All things political, Comedy on March 28, 2011 by klogtheblog

The nation waits for Obama to lay out his doctrine, to explain why we’re at war in Libya. Well wait no more! We’ve got an advance transcript of tonight’s big speech.

Hail bold warriors of the mighty War Republic! U.S.A. number one!

As you know, the other day I got us into Middle East war number three, and this time there’s no way bad stuff will happen. Let me be clear: this whole thing in Libya will be over in days, not weeks. Years maybe, but definitely not weeks.

Now I know a lot of you are saying, “Didn’t we elect this guy to get us OUT of wars?” Well jump on an octopus tentacle, because you’re a sucker! I was also elected to lead a progressive green revolution save the economy as well as roll back the extreme tactics of the Bush administration, and instead I’ve passed tax-cuts for the rich and trashed Miranda rights. So why shouldn’t I go for a war too?

The good news is, we’re kicking ass! Seriously, Qaddafi’s an asshole. He was going to kill a bunch of people, and that never happens in the Middle East, so we had to stop it. This is a humanitarian rescue mission, and make no mistake about it: that mission shall not change. Also, our side in the civil war is winning, and Qaddafi has got to go.

I know a lot of hay has made about how women changed my mind about intervening in Libya. Rush Limbaugh called me pussy-whipped. But consider this. One of those women was my Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. She was initially opposed to intervention as well, until she was convinced it was the right thing to do. So you might wonder, is there such a thing as pussy on pussy whipping? Well, after conducting a Google search, I can assure you that there is.

So what would you have me do? Sit back as Qaddafi goes house to house, killing anyone who looks like they might not love dictatorship? What would my critics be saying then?

And yeah, I know Bahrain and the Ivory Coast also have despots using violence to cling to power, but come on. We have a naval base in Bahrain, (which is, yes, named after the people’s crankily stoic embrace of drought), so while it might be convenient to attack, the odds of them letting us keep the base goes down. We’re also concerned that the Shiite majority might be influenced by Iran, an evil theocracy sworn to opposing the United States. We’d much rather have Bahrain under the umbrella of Saudi Arabia, the country that gave us Wahhabism. Oh, and Ivory Coast? Most Americans think that’s a brand of soap, not a country, so how can we go there?

The newsflash here is that opportunism and hypocrisy are part and parcel of conducting foreign policy. You can’t have opportunism without the opportunity. When the Arab league asked for a no-fly zone, the opportunity was there to intervene in Libya. Likewise, without hypocrisy, we’d have to be in eight or nine wars, as opposed to three, not counting Pakistan, Yemen and Venezuela. Oh wait, forget I said anything about Venezuela. That’s for the second term!

In closing, remember that we avoided a bloodbath in Libya. We stood by in Rwanda and Bosnia, and we regretted it. Not this time. I expect that by the time the rebels have won and the reprisal killings get under way our media will have moved focus onto something else!

Thank you, and may God Bless America, and may God Bless our sacred wars, especially official wars one and three. Two still really sucked, but I sort of ended it, sort of. Media, please keep ignoring the protests and violence in Iraq! We’ll be out of there in years, not centuries.

–Dan Kilian

44 Rings Up 43

End of Conflict

Mid East Roundup (or Round Down)

Posted in All things political, Comedy on March 25, 2011 by klogtheblog

Having trouble keeping the turmoil in the Middle East straight? Confused? Horrified? Worried that idealistic movements for democracy will result in mass bloodshed, theocracy, and most importantly, an big uptick in gas prices? Here’s a primer that will make you feel as if your cable plan included Al Jazeera. The Obama administration has been accused of hypocrisy and inconsistency by Republicans; neither term would apply to people who called Bush bashing treasonous.

Libya

Lucky the third time? The U.S. is tangentially involved in what is now a NATO operation. Actually, the duties in this conflict are divided. NATO is in charge of being called “in charge” while the U.S., France (Sarkozy is the most gung-ho on this, probably because he’s got an election coming and someone told him there are gypsies in Libya), and Britain are in charge of actually bombing the hell out of Qaddafi’s forces. Qaddafi got off the ropes and was about to go door to door killing people in Benghazi before we intervened. Much ado has been made of the role female advisers—the “Valkyries,” Susan Rice, Samantha Power, and Hillary Clinton—had in bringing the Obama administration to war. Of course, if you’re less interested in the validity of life-and-death decisions than in who has tits, you’re probably an asshole like Rush Limbaugh or an “asshole” like Maureen (“I’m Not Saying It, I’m Just Saying Other People Are Saying It”) Dowd. Hey, Maureen Dowd, if my name sounded like a drag-queen pun I’d be kinder to the sisters, but I’m insecure.

We’re taking sides in a civil war with a loose, rag-tag (and I mean rag-tag—they actually play tag with rags) coalition of democracy advocates, disaffected military men, and guys who think Qaddafi’s Jewish. The rebels have adapted the protest tactics that worked for the public in Tunisia and Egypt, combining a more militant revolutionary edge with the pacifists’ ability to get their asses severely kicked. Best-case scenario: we create another Kurdistan. Worst-case scenario: we actually win.

Syria

What a crappy mustache!

Is President Bashar Al-Assad a hard-line strongman who can ride the tiger, or an ophthalmologist with a crappy mustache which makes you just want to punch him? I mean, give Saddam Hussein some credit (Oh, and by the way, if we’d just waited for this we could have skipped the whole thousands of dead American soldiers and years of suck. Just saying), he was an evil man, but at least he could rock a mustache. I say Bashar goes down!

Yemen

President Ali Abdullah Saleh has a better mustache than Bashar. He’s going down too, and then the shit is really going to hit the fan.

Saudi Arabia

What a bunch of assholes.

Bahrain

An oil spigot connected to a U.S. army base soaked with the blood of the innocent, whose deaths we ignore. It’s Realpolitik!

Tunisia

There hasn’t been much reporting lately from the country that started it all, when a poor street vendor named Mohamed Bouazizi set himself on fire to protest of the confiscation of his wares by the state. In a dramatic turnaround, the burnt corpse of Bouazizi has been elected president. Ministers do his bidding, interpreting his whims based on which way the ashes of his body land as it disintegrates.

Egypt

Good-looking people! It seems that the Muslim Brotherhood is poised to do well in the coming elections. Religious zealots gaining political influence, possibly applying their narrowminded bigotries to what should be a free and open society. Good thing that can’t happen here!

Iran

Even better looking? Iran seemingly crushed their uprising earlier this year, but mayyybe…Iran is different from these other countries in that it is ruled by assholes who are Shi’ite (a term ebonic in origin) as opposed to Sunni. The difference between the Sunnis and Shi’ites is that the Sunnis crack their eggs on this side of the egg and Shi’ites crack it on the other. I stole that joke from someone. You can actually get away with typing it Shiite, but then I can’t do my lame ebonic joke.

Qatar

No, I’m sick of this. I’m done.

–Dan Kilian

44 Rings Up 43

Soup of the Day: Persian Pessimism and Rape

 

New K-Word: Gilbert

Posted in Comedy, Critique, Short Films on March 24, 2011 by klogtheblog

Gilbert Gottfried was fired as the voice for the AFLAC duck for making tame jokes on Twitter about the tragic events in Japan. This inspired our latest K-word:

gilbert: – v., 1. to make light of a tragedy as a source of amusement prior to the socially acceptable interval after said tragedy has elapsed.

2. To imitate a duck for money

3. To get more publicity for being fired than for getting the job

Example sentence: “I don’t want to gilbert, but I have a great bit about Nate Dogg fucking Elizabeth Taylor in hell.”

–Steve Kilian

–Dan Kilian*

* Editor’s note: Yes this sterling piece of writing required TWO writers! And yes, no one cared about this even back when anyone cared. I still like the word!

Also yes (third yes) though his work is pretty damned spotty, I do think this bit is funny from GG.

Back From The Past

The Video: Last Trip To The Well

linKs 3/23/11

Posted in All things music, All things political, Comedy, Critique, Fiction on March 23, 2011 by klogtheblog

Interview with Rebecca Black

The Loneliest Blacksmith

The Films of Donald O’Finn Happy Birthday Donald!

A meeting of Presidential minds 44 Rings Up 43

What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You. Thanks Steve!

nonsense made to sound like English rap. Pretty good dancing.

Creepy android.

Warning kids, this one gets a little raw. Purge

Coooool bike ride. Thanks Colin!

Back to the future Rather cool then and now photos.

Mike Birbiglia. Funny comedian! Thanks Aud!

Over the Rainbow – Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole

44 Rings Up 43

Posted in All things political, Comedy on March 21, 2011 by klogtheblog

“♪Take my breath away♫”

Dubya here!

43, this is 44

Chewbaccarama, is that you?

That’s Commander in CHIEF Chewbaccarama to you!

Aye Aye Commanderbama! How’s it going?

It’s going GREAT! I am kicking ASS!

Been a while since we talked. What’s up?

The dust in Qaddafi’s compound! That’s what’s up!

I saw that! Blowing up Qaddafi! A classic Gipper move. You always did like Reagan.

So I figure you’re one of the few people who know what this feels like. I mean, I can talk to Bill but he’s…

An asshole.

Exactly. And there’s 41, but he’s so…so…

So damn serious about it!

Exactly!

He’s all stern and whatnot, like he didn’t even enjoy himself.

Yes! And while it’s serious…

It is…it is…

It also KICKS ASS! I never really got that till now. I mean these other wars I inherited.

Good wars, but not fresh.

This one is all mine! Now I now how…JAZZED it makes you feel! I mean, Iraq…

Hoo-boy! Worms from the can!

And Afghanistan….

Afghanistan sucks.

Afghanistan SUCKS! There’s nothing there!

Rummy said it. No targets. You’ve got to go into Pakistan to hit anything in Afghanistan. But you’re hitting stuff now! You didn’t even consult Congress.

Fuck Congress.

Fuck Congress. Dithering do nothings. Now you’re The Decider!

I’m The Decider! Deciding all over Qaddafi’s ass! I love it!

Yeah, it’s fun at first, but, I’ve got to warn you, these things can become a headache.

Don’t worry. We’re only doing the feel-good stuff. No boots on the ground.

Keep those boots out. Just…sometimes…it gets complicated.

We’re keeping it simple-Simon. Just a no fly zone.

And a no drive-zone, whatever that is.

Right, right. Kind of like 41 did over Kurdistan. Either everything becomes static, and Democratic Libya sort of congeals around him, or someone does the right thing and pops Qaddafi.

Someone really does need to pop ol’ Q-bert. But then you’ve got to watch out for what they call a “power vacuum.”

If Q-bert goes down we’ll hold elections. I see why you’re concerned, George, but this is nothing like Iraq.

I guess you’re right. I mean, in Iraq they had all these tribal differences and it got to be all about reprisals and that got real out of hand. Doubt something like that could happen in Libya.

Yeah…

Anyhoo, congratulations. Glad you’re having fun.

Yeah…

Hey! Chewbaccarama! Don’t let me rain on your parade! Enjoy yourself.

Thanks, man.

And you know, I’m proud of you. We don’t always see eye to eye, but I’m proud of you. You know…I’m proud of our country for electing you. I know it’s not all about race, but I want you to know…I like black people!

Of course you do!

It’s just…ever since Kanye said that thing about me…

Kanye is a jackass.

You said it, Chewie! His new album is pretty kick-ass, though, I have to admit. “No one man should have all that POWER!”

I wouldn’t know. All I listen to is country these days.

It’s the best music. America’s music!

America is NUMBER ONE! All right, 43, gotta go.

You go 44. Do me proud!

–Dan Kilian

Gullible

Vicious Viking