Excerpt From the Proceedings of the IMF Field Survey of Candidate Nation 34-T-89

“Greetings, primitive savages!  We are here from the International Monetary Fund to distribute aid to your failing state!  Please step away from the transport, and do not stroke the hoses of my level IV containment suit, though you may feel it will bring you luck or somehow transfer the magic of our advanced technology into your withered frames, wrapped as they are in no more than soiled loincloths and a few shells strung on cords woven from human hair!   We will introduce new lending practices to you now, since your previous banking system consisted in its entirety of a pile of yams rotting in your chieftain’s silo!  Your Gross Domestic Product is listed as ‘Rice,’ and this does not comply with international accounting standards!  Standard and Poor’s believes that your nation is a menu item at a fusion restaurant where one of their interns had a birthday at which she made out with Kevin the secretary!  Here, these are ‘coins’ – do not attempt to eat them!  They are made out of ‘metal,’ much like the magical bird that brought me here!  ‘Metal’ is what happens when advanced civilizations steal the earth-spirit from the ground – just kidding! – we simply obtain mineral rights from cash-strapped third-world nations in exchange for debt relief and low-interest loans! . . . ”

–Steve Kilian


The Lawnmower Party


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