Archive for December, 2010

The year in K-View

Posted in All things political, Comedy on December 31, 2010 by klogtheblog

Hard to say this year was anything other than a year that sucked. From the economy to the political front to the economy to the economy, things were bad. The economy was on people’s minds a lot. This year it really sank in that “Hope” had become a cruel joke that perpetuated the Bush wars abroad, entrenches the Orwellian domestic incursions on freedom, and makes former Republican proposals into the law of the land, to the dismay of Republicans, who have since become too conservative to recognize their former selves. Let’s hit some of the highlights of 2010.

January

All the suckers born in January hold half-hearted re-gifted birthday parties with their partied and shopped out core circle of friends.

Avatar fever continues, spawning a slew of crappy 3D movies.

Suspicions that this year is going to suck begin to percolate.

An Earthquake devastates Haiti. Politicians and celebrities vow to work tirelessly until the Haitian people are back on their feet with a roof over their heads. George Bush wipes his hand on Bill Clinton’s shirt.

Haiti is forgotten.

February

The Winter Olympics are held in Vancouver. The dancers are funny. Many are disturbed to witness the inclusion of many “extreme” skiing events for the first time, as they are actually interesting.

March

North Korea sinks a boat, but denies the allegations. Nothing is done.

April

Volcanic ash from an unpronounceable volcano in Iceland disrupts air traffic across Europe. Many references are made to Bjork.

BP fucks the gulf coast and the Obama presidency. Nothing else really happens all summer.

Standard & Poor’s points out that Greece really shouldn’t be spending far more money than it makes. People are forced to think simultaneously about economics and Greece, causing headaches the world over.

May

Scientists discover that Neanderthals and humans may have interbred. A number of unfortunate porn-films go into production.

Scientists announce that they have created a functional synthetic genome. Still no cloned mammoth.

June

Ethnic riots in Kyrgyzstan between Kyrgyz  and Uzbeks break out over scarcities of the letters Y and Z.

July

Wikileaks leaks (Wikily) over 90,000 internal reports about the United States-led involvement in the War in Afghanistan from 2004 to 2010. For the first time in world history, Julian Assange starts getting laid.

Stuxnet unleashed cyber war on the world. It will probably do nothing to stop Iran from getting the bomb, but which will almost certainly delete all your I-tune files. Buy a phonograph.

September

President Obama announces that he will not approve an extension of the Bush-era law that gives a tax break for the wealthy, or those families who earn over $250,000 per year. Common sense populism is back!

October

Thirty-three miners in Chile exchange 69 days of cave dwelling for 15 minutes of fame. It is the only good thing to happen in 2010.

It turns out Ireland shouldn’t be doing that spending more than getting thing either. This reminds people that for a few years prior, for a brief period Ireland actually wasn’t a shit-hole of misery.

November

The nation rejects Democratic half-measures in favor of Republican Nihilism.

Researchers at The European Organization for Nuclear Research trap 38 antimatter atoms for a sixth of a second. Did you hear about that? When do we get interstellar overdrive? Where are the dilithium crystals?

North Korea shells Yeonpyeong Island, under South Korean control, but denies the allegations. Nothing is done.

December

In a lame duck session, Congress passes all the legislation that could have possibly made the Democrats more popular this year. Said Charles Schumer, “It may have been too little, but at least it was too late.”

North Korea nukes Los Angeles. Deep sanctions are imposed.

Hopes abound that 2011 will be better than this year, or the apocalypse.

Have a happy New year!

–Dan Kilian

Demon Brand Choco-Mallows

My Obama Encounter By Jacob Bartelby, Intern to the Department of Health Bureaucracy Department Building 15

Octopus Man #3: Ben and the Monster

Posted in Art, Comedy on December 14, 2010 by klogtheblog

–Dan Kilian

Octopus Man: Strip 1

Octopus Man #2: The Amazing Man-Spider!


Political Chess

Posted in All things political, Comedy on December 8, 2010 by klogtheblog

There are a few ways this thing could go:

Somehow, via backroom deal-making that would put the cornhusker kick-backs to shame, Obama brings the Democrats along with the compromise. Someone kidnaps someone close to Bernie Sanders or threatens to release his cousin the Colonel’s secret recipe to Wikileaks (rymes with wicked weak, which I realize that joke is), shutting down his filibuster threats. Then we get the closest thing to a stimulus (unemployment, payroll holiday, couple other things) Obama could get out of this gridlocked town, and the best bet for an economic recovery, while the Dems get to keep a beloved cause they can run away from in two years.

Or they could call a vote, and determine that there isn’t a supermajority for it. The Dems will start to like that in-the-minority-fuck-all-of-you feeling. THEN Obama sits down with everybody and they try to pass Chuck Schumer’s tax cuts for everyone but the millionaires thing. Surely the Republicans would go for that. Then we get that sort-of stimulus, Obama gets credit for trying to compromise and business starts hiring people, and a new golden age for Democrats unfolds.

Or maybe the Republicans, who have already shown that they care more about tax-cuts and political victory than deficits, the unemployed and loose nukes combined, say, well we tried but now everyone gets a tax hike. “Obama said he wouldn’t raise your taxes, but he did.” Obama will say “No, no, THEY did it when they didn’t go along with out plan because bla bla bla…” and the swing voters will listen to the Republicans, because their taxes DID go up. Unemployment and misery reign, to the cynical delight of the Republicans. America becomes a second rate nation then a third and then dies. Canada and the Mexican drug gangs divvy up the corpse.

Any other options? (Sit down, Mike B!)  Nope. Didn’t think so.

Checkmate.

–Dan Kilian

Humanizing Death From Above by MQ1-178

Oblivial Day

On Obama Up Until Now

Posted in All things political on December 7, 2010 by klogtheblog

I think the fact of the economic collapse is far too big historically for anyone to wrap their head around, unless they try real hard, which the media doesn’t seem want to do. So we view everything through the old lens even though everything has changed.

I think the stimulus, like this latest compromise, is an achievement in the art of the possible, and did a lot of good. Taking over the bailout, then taking over the auto industry, huge things that have gone very well. This was a once in a century chance politically to pass health care, and Obama went all in and won.

He’s got the nastiest political enemies since Nixon, and the worst economic inheritance since Carter and Reagan. If he fights these guys right now, he’s up against all the people who want everyone to work together, AND the GOP gets to say he raised taxes on middle Americans, breaking his promise a la the first George Bush, AND there’s no kind of stimulus with 9.8 unemployment AND he gets no START Treaty (and yes, the Republicans seem to be willing to let the economy slide and to let loose nukes go unmonitored for the sake of a political win) so unless you definitely want a one-term presidency (making those threats of health-care repeal seem actually possible) and a lot more economic pain over a principal (when we really don’t need to fix the deficit until after there’s real economic growth) then I think Obama’s playing the hand he’s been dealt (though he shouldn’t flash his hand so readily) about as well as is possible.

–Dan Kilian

A Nonsensational Speech On the Detainee Abuse Photos by Barack Obama

Six Song Selection: Radio Lives

The Second Miracle

Posted in All things music, Comedy, Fiction on December 6, 2010 by klogtheblog

Simon played with a broken flowerpot while the soldiers threw gold coins at each other. In their haste, the Ptolemies had left their treasure, but they took their food. Judah’s hungry army had made a bold march across the dessert, but the irony of winning the temple and the Ptolemaic gold while they starved under siege was playing with the men’s minds. They were cackling, half mad, in a fight with useless money.

 

Only the miracle of the flame kept them sane. For five days it had burned, even though the Ptolemies had taken the oil with the food. So they clung to their sanity and chewed their leather. Judah had forbidden the eating of shoes, lest it come to fighting again. But sheaths and belts were quickly becoming meals. How could they outlast the siege without food?

 

Simon was absorbed with his pottery, rolling it along its edge, watching it teeter and fall. Such was the game for one of the few children brought along with the warriors. He was the son of Jonathon, Judah’s brother, and as part of the lineage of the Maccabean leadership he needed to learn. Still, he was too young to participate in most of the grown-up goings on.

 

The soldiers were called to the wall, and Simon was left in the treasure room. Idly, he began rolling coins, and tossing them into his pot. Then, as happened every hour or so, the hunger returned. He could drive it from his mind for a while, but it always came back.

 

He looked down at the coin in his hand. He had heard that gold was so soft you could make teeth marks in it. It seemed silly to make such a soft metal so valuable. Still, it was shiny, and the tooth-mark idea intrigued him. He gently bit the coin.

 

It broke apart in his mouth, and began to dissolve, filling his mouth with a rich dark sweetness. It was like butter filled with sugar, and something else he had never tasted, something like smoke and wine. It was the best thing he had ever tasted. It coursed through his body, lifting his spirits and abating his hunger. He remembered the story of the Manna.

 

Simon looked down at the piles of coins in the treasure room. Did all of them taste like this? He picked up one more coin and tasted it! Sweet beauty filled him again! He leapt to his feet and ran down the hall. He had to find Judah. The Maccabees were going to survive!

–Dan Kilian

Editor’s note: This was the program from Saturday’s show.  Happy Hanukkah!

Olde Tales of The Sea

Initiation

Excerpt From the Proceedings of the IMF Field Survey of Candidate Nation 34-T-89

Posted in All things political, Comedy on December 3, 2010 by klogtheblog

“Greetings, primitive savages!  We are here from the International Monetary Fund to distribute aid to your failing state!  Please step away from the transport, and do not stroke the hoses of my level IV containment suit, though you may feel it will bring you luck or somehow transfer the magic of our advanced technology into your withered frames, wrapped as they are in no more than soiled loincloths and a few shells strung on cords woven from human hair!   We will introduce new lending practices to you now, since your previous banking system consisted in its entirety of a pile of yams rotting in your chieftain’s silo!  Your Gross Domestic Product is listed as ‘Rice,’ and this does not comply with international accounting standards!  Standard and Poor’s believes that your nation is a menu item at a fusion restaurant where one of their interns had a birthday at which she made out with Kevin the secretary!  Here, these are ‘coins’ – do not attempt to eat them!  They are made out of ‘metal,’ much like the magical bird that brought me here!  ‘Metal’ is what happens when advanced civilizations steal the earth-spirit from the ground – just kidding! – we simply obtain mineral rights from cash-strapped third-world nations in exchange for debt relief and low-interest loans! . . . ”

–Steve Kilian

Epideme

The Lawnmower Party

Something On Your Back

Posted in useless excuses on December 1, 2010 by klogtheblog

This morning in the subway tunnel a cockroach the size of a lobster flew onto the guy in front of me’s’s umbrella and marched up his back. I froze, then said, “SIR! There’s SOMETHING on your back!” I probably should have said “There’s a GIANT COCKROACH on your back,” and then he might not have been so frightened when he looked back into the face of that awful creature. I knocked the beast off him and stomped him to death. My guts are still churning.

–Dan Kilian

Hollywood Harvest

Inconsistencies in the New Star Trek Movie