Some Pun With “Debt” and “Dead”

President Obama’s commission on reducing the national debt laid out their preliminary plan Wednesday, and we’re doomed. Commissions are an ingenious way to deal with problems whose solutions are too politically unpalatable to implement through our highly politicized legislative process. Give it to a bipartisan committee and voila! Problem solved. Unfortunately, this commission is proposing highly unpalatable solutions, and there no way Congress will pass them; the legislative process it just too politicized. What’s the opposite of “voila”?

For a lark, let’s consider the proposals.

Deep Cuts In Domestic Spending

It’s important to reduce spending more that raising taxes, because a predominant amount of the tax burden is on rich people, and times are just so hard for the rich right now. If they don’t get richer than the rest of us every year, their wealth will dwindle away to nothing. Besides, we can pave our roads and rebuild our bridges with fiscal responsibility.

Deep Cuts In Military Spending

Flash quiz: How many wars are we in now? If you said two, you’re technically right! [Editor’s Note: Ahh the innocence of last November!] Of course, we’ve also got drones killing people in Pakistan and Yemen, which we could lump in with one of the other two wars, as long as one of those wars is a world war. Of course, occupying other countries is the tedious part of war, which is why we don’t pay any attention to that part. The good stuff is when we kick ass, and since we spend more money on our military than the rest of the world combined, more every year, you can bet we kick ass! That’s why we like to get into another war every couple of years. It’s like sex, and the occupation is the unwanted pregnancy. Some people would like us to stop occupying other countries, (for instance, a lot of people in the occupied countries) but that would be like an abortion, and this country is very pro-life. Maybe we wouldn’t get into so many wars if we didn’t have such literally overkill military budgets, but don’t expect us to cut those budgets. After all, we are at war.

A Gradual 15-Cents-A-Gallon Increase In The Federal Gasoline Tax

A modest gas tax increase would help us balance our budget as well as inspire the development of alternative fuels, making us once again the innovator nation as the world turns to a “Green Economy.” We really need to do this, as the world is really getting hotter. Or we could dump sulfur into the sky. Hard to see how any unforeseen problems could arise from that.

Limiting or Eliminating Popular Tax Breaks In Return For Lower Rates

Lets see, the Republican Leadership already calls a tax on monstrously large inheritances “The Death Tax.” If we try to do away with popular tax breaks, that’ll be called raising taxes, and each tax will have a special name. The House Tax. The Health Tax.  The Mommy Tax. The Love Tax. The Tax Tax. That’s right, those fat cats in Washington are going to tax your taxes!

Benefit Cuts And An Increased Retirement Age For Social Security

Raising the retirement age makes sense, since people are getting older. You can look it up online. Just type in “Are people living longer?” into your search engine, and you’ll find a host of articles about our aging population. Now, here’s an internet search tip. If you want to research a little more critically, try using the word “really.”  As in “Are People REALLY living longer?” if you type in that modified search, you can find articles like this which points out that babies don’t die prematurely as much as they used to, and that throws off the curve.

Still the commission is planning of having the retirement age change in 2075. Many young people who thought they were getting screwed by an older generation into working longer might be more amenable to a plan that screws some future generation into working longer. See, we aren’t really dumping our problems on our grandchildren, but on our great-grandchildren, and I mean, screw those ingrates. Humanity might be wiped out by then. God I hope so. Do we really want people living on after we die?

I’ve decided that “Aliov” would be a good word for the opposite of “Voila.” It looks Russian, so say it in your best thick Russian accent. Good word for whenever the soufflé falls flat, whenever the magician pulls a dead rabbit out of his hat, or whenever your commission lays out it’s blueprint for impossible though necessary solutions right at the dawn of a period of historic gridlock.

Aliov!

–Dan Kilian

Birthday Cake Balloon

Celebrity Farts

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