Archive for November, 2010

Taxi

Posted in Fiction on November 22, 2010 by klogtheblog

It is a city where one can stand up and look back alone on all that they have not done or been a part of and the layers they’ve risen up through the darkness and how one must always strive for the light because that’s what we’re taught in that young class where we march in line to lunch without the choice of who to sit next to and then to be expected to get into a taxi and order your destination, as if I could and not even letting the man escorting you by yourself know what you’ve been doing all morning walking in those painful shoes that have been beaten by the streets and expecting him to drop you off without concern for your safety or a curiosity for your lifestyle or your aloneness or awareness and wondering if the meter should be left running while you stare back.

–Nancy Rankin

Editor’s Note: We welcome this, the KLOG debut for Nancy Rankin!

Micky Rourke as Godzilla

A Classic Joke and A Classic Comedy Routine Meet, With Unsatisfactory Results

From Beneath to Destroy

Posted in Fiction on November 19, 2010 by klogtheblog

Somewhere, in a fire-lit cavern, a black hand pulls an iron lever.  Gears come unstuck after eons of disuse, and the construct wakes from its slumber.  Crystals are quenched in arcane fluids and it remembers its makers, faceless entities that worked in a time before the foolish distinctions between “machine” and “man” were made.  Tanks fill with oil and steam vents from reserve chambers.  Bladders flex, and the thing coughs up nests of vermin that had made their home in its dormant body.

Lenses clatter into place and it can see.  It looks out over the world, watching and listening on a thousand wavelengths, seeing the planet’s molten core, still throwing out great waves of magnetism which drive its motors.  Then it studies the surface.  Steadying itself on a mountainside, it stands.  It cannot comprehend what it sees and hears.  Unbidden, its great steel hands clench into fists.

The pipes of its voicechamber shake as it speaks.  The plates of its skull vibrate with the sound of the utterance, a blast of sound and light and lesser-known energies.  The word threatens to shatter the sky.  He marches forth as it echoes around the stratosphere.

“Destroy.”

“Destrooooy.”

“Destroooooooy.”

–Steve Kilian

The Rose Armonica

Five Song Playlist: Twenty Pounds of Gay

That Old-Time Magic, Revisited

Posted in All things political, Comedy on November 18, 2010 by klogtheblog

President Obama stared across his desk.  The oval office, now empty, was starting to get stale with cigarette smoke, sour sweat, and bad news.  Christ, what a year.  He looked at the framed photograph of Michelle.

He had made a promise.  But here he was.

“Fuck it,” he said, and unlocked the lower left hand drawer, the forbidden drawer, the drawer that he hadn’t opened for twelve grueling months.  He pulled out the olive-drab metal box with stenciled lettering — such paltry camouflage — and set it on the desk.  Did it sag just a little, the wood protesting at its strange burden?

He popped open the latches and lifted the hinged lid.  He pulled out the lamp, already smelling cinnamon and apricots.  “Sorry, baby,” he said.

And started, for the third time, to rub.

–Steve Kilian

Old Time Magic

Steve’s Fart

Some Pun With “Debt” and “Dead”

Posted in All things political, Comedy on November 12, 2010 by klogtheblog

President Obama’s commission on reducing the national debt laid out their preliminary plan Wednesday, and we’re doomed. Commissions are an ingenious way to deal with problems whose solutions are too politically unpalatable to implement through our highly politicized legislative process. Give it to a bipartisan committee and voila! Problem solved. Unfortunately, this commission is proposing highly unpalatable solutions, and there no way Congress will pass them; the legislative process it just too politicized. What’s the opposite of “voila”?

For a lark, let’s consider the proposals.

Deep Cuts In Domestic Spending

It’s important to reduce spending more that raising taxes, because a predominant amount of the tax burden is on rich people, and times are just so hard for the rich right now. If they don’t get richer than the rest of us every year, their wealth will dwindle away to nothing. Besides, we can pave our roads and rebuild our bridges with fiscal responsibility.

Deep Cuts In Military Spending

Flash quiz: How many wars are we in now? If you said two, you’re technically right! [Editor’s Note: Ahh the innocence of last November!] Of course, we’ve also got drones killing people in Pakistan and Yemen, which we could lump in with one of the other two wars, as long as one of those wars is a world war. Of course, occupying other countries is the tedious part of war, which is why we don’t pay any attention to that part. The good stuff is when we kick ass, and since we spend more money on our military than the rest of the world combined, more every year, you can bet we kick ass! That’s why we like to get into another war every couple of years. It’s like sex, and the occupation is the unwanted pregnancy. Some people would like us to stop occupying other countries, (for instance, a lot of people in the occupied countries) but that would be like an abortion, and this country is very pro-life. Maybe we wouldn’t get into so many wars if we didn’t have such literally overkill military budgets, but don’t expect us to cut those budgets. After all, we are at war.

A Gradual 15-Cents-A-Gallon Increase In The Federal Gasoline Tax

A modest gas tax increase would help us balance our budget as well as inspire the development of alternative fuels, making us once again the innovator nation as the world turns to a “Green Economy.” We really need to do this, as the world is really getting hotter. Or we could dump sulfur into the sky. Hard to see how any unforeseen problems could arise from that.

Limiting or Eliminating Popular Tax Breaks In Return For Lower Rates

Lets see, the Republican Leadership already calls a tax on monstrously large inheritances “The Death Tax.” If we try to do away with popular tax breaks, that’ll be called raising taxes, and each tax will have a special name. The House Tax. The Health Tax.  The Mommy Tax. The Love Tax. The Tax Tax. That’s right, those fat cats in Washington are going to tax your taxes!

Benefit Cuts And An Increased Retirement Age For Social Security

Raising the retirement age makes sense, since people are getting older. You can look it up online. Just type in “Are people living longer?” into your search engine, and you’ll find a host of articles about our aging population. Now, here’s an internet search tip. If you want to research a little more critically, try using the word “really.”  As in “Are People REALLY living longer?” if you type in that modified search, you can find articles like this which points out that babies don’t die prematurely as much as they used to, and that throws off the curve.

Still the commission is planning of having the retirement age change in 2075. Many young people who thought they were getting screwed by an older generation into working longer might be more amenable to a plan that screws some future generation into working longer. See, we aren’t really dumping our problems on our grandchildren, but on our great-grandchildren, and I mean, screw those ingrates. Humanity might be wiped out by then. God I hope so. Do we really want people living on after we die?

I’ve decided that “Aliov” would be a good word for the opposite of “Voila.” It looks Russian, so say it in your best thick Russian accent. Good word for whenever the soufflé falls flat, whenever the magician pulls a dead rabbit out of his hat, or whenever your commission lays out it’s blueprint for impossible though necessary solutions right at the dawn of a period of historic gridlock.

Aliov!

–Dan Kilian

Birthday Cake Balloon

Celebrity Farts

The Mosquito Video

Posted in All things music, Short Films on November 10, 2010 by klogtheblog

–Many band photos by Tanya Navas

–Assembled by Dan Kilian

–Performed by The Ks

The Last Reality Show

James Bond’s Bad Day


Tiw’s Day

Posted in All things music, Fiction on November 9, 2010 by klogtheblog

He was the first God, The Tyr of Hanged Men, for He was The Judge. Then came the migrations, and the new peoples worshiped Odin, and they called him Tiw. From The One God to a Demigod, still he served Asgard.

When Loki and the Giantess gave birth to the evil pup, Fenrir, only he would look after the unkillable beast. They had something of a bond, that reached across the divide between good and evil, between feeder and fed. Of course Fenrir outgrew its cage, and any cages, and grew to the kind monster the prophesies had foretold: The Wolf who would kill Odin.

Nothing could bind him. They tricked it into chains, which The Wolf broke through as though they were water. So the Æsir called on the dwarves to build a chain made of Gleipnir, made from the sound of a cat’s footfall, the beard of a woman, the roots of a mountain, the sinews of a bear, the breath of a fish, and the spittle of a bird.

They taunted Fenrir, “Great Wolf! Can you break this chain?” Fenrir was suspicious, but acted disdainful. “It is too thin. There is no challenge. I will only test it if one of you places his hand in my mouth.”

The Æsir protested, all too fearful to strike that bargain. Cowards. Still Tyr served Asgard. He stepped forward and placed his hand in his old pet’s mouth. Whether The Beast licked his fingers in hunger or in some wicked form of affection, Tyr could not determine.

The string held, the beast was trapped, and Tyr lost his hand.

“That is the last time I shall feed you, pup,” said Tyr, grimacing.

“Yes,” laughed the Father of Wolves, “Next I shall feed on your master, Odin.”And they bound Fenrir to a great rock underground, with a sword in His mouth.

Now, just as Odin had one eye to see, Tyr had one hand, for Justice.

–Dan Kilian

Editor’s Note: This was the program from my solo show at The Sidewalk the other Tuesday.

Steve’s Video and Pat’s Video

The Magic Banjo

Election Night

Posted in All things music, All things political, Art, Short Films on November 3, 2010 by klogtheblog

–The Ks

The Video: Last Trip To The Well

Capsule