Archive for October, 2010

War

Posted in All things political, Fiction on October 29, 2010 by klogtheblog

Once, long ago, War slept.

He dreamed of great deathless armies, endlessly battling on a blood-soaked plane.  He also dreamed of engineers devising new weapons that would rend flesh, new arrows that would burrow deeper with the movements of the wounded, machines that would crawl across the field and crush soldiers beneath their gore-clotted treads.  He dreamed of doctors and nurses stitching limbs back onto fallen warriors so that they could return to the fight.  He dreamed of scientists making gases that would blanket the battlefield with choking vapors.

But mostly he dreamed of two men, each strangling the other, rolling in puddles of freezing blood and fuel, ears bitten off, eyes gouged, teeth and noses broken from repeated head-butts.  As they died their grips only grew stronger.

This was the stuff of War’s trade, more than any of the other trappings.  Armor was fine, blades and projectiles served their purpose, but without hate they would rust away to nothing.  Mercenaries may work for hire, but in the pitch of combat they hated the enemy as much as any partisan fighting for his home.  The swordmaster might respect his opponent, admiring his technique and form, knowing the beauty of graceful bladework, but the final flurry of vessel-severing strokes were driven by fury – controlled and channeled to be sure, but fury nonetheless.

Generals and logistics officers might be passionless in their deliberations, calmly calculating quantities of ammunition and dried meat, plotting routes to the front, keeping tallies of how many coins remained in their war-chests, but this was all in service to the moment when a soldier pulled the trigger that killed a man in flash of powder and bloodlust.  Coopers might joke at their work and return home to warm loaves at night, but when the barrels of boiling pitch broke on the ramparts the cries would not be those of joy.

No, hate was the ultimate substance of War.

Soon he awoke.

–Steve Kilian

Michael J. Fox’s Bad Day

Freddy vs. Wishmaster

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SOMEONE’s Looking Forward to the Captain America Movie

Posted in Critique on October 28, 2010 by klogtheblog

MATT: YES!



DAN: “Peter Jackson on the Hobbit”? He’ll CRUSH it!

Also, I’ve done a study, comparing graphs of hokey patriotism vs escapist machismo, cross referenced with a fantastically impossible shields chart, and it turns out it is scientifically impossible to make a good Captain America movie.

MATT: I’m hoping for a RAIDERS mix of old school action-adventure, some sci-fi elements, and Nazis dying spectacularly gruesome deaths.

Did you see this from Iron Man 2? It’s a close up of some kind of blueprint on the wall in Tony Stark’s lab. It’s pretty wild how they’re tying it all together.

–Matt Dolingo and Dan Kilian

Freddy vs. Wishmaster

Good vs Evil: A Dialogue

At The Pawn Shop

Posted in Fiction on October 27, 2010 by klogtheblog

Business was slow at the pawn shop. In fact, it was deadly quiet. Peter flipped through catalogues, and Joey got on the phone for every business related call he could conceive of, but the truth was that they had all the inventory they needed, and there wasn’t any business going on to make calls about. It became an unspoken truth neither of them wanted to address, but finally Joey broached the subject.

“You’d think in an economic downturn this kind of business would do well.”

Peter looked up, surprised at this acknowledgment of their current bad luck. “How so?”

“In good times, people might just go buy a whole new set.”

Peter thought about this, as an idea germinated in his head, but he did not say anything. He knew it ran counter to Joey’s vision.

Every morning they opened up the shop, the myriad orbs staring like blind eyes. As the silences dragged on, finally Peter had to speak.

“Joey, I think we’ve got to diversify.”

“What do you mean?”

“We need to offer other pieces.”

“But…the odds are sixteen in thirty-two verses…one in sixteen that…”

“All those ones in sixteen add up to half! Half the pieces!”

Joey had nothing to say. He knew the logic; he just hated breaking the purity of selling nothing but pawns. He hated breaking the pattern of all those little orbs. Still, he broke down, and soon there was a table offering Knights, Bishops, Rooks and Queens. Joey insisted that anybody who loses their king should concede and buy a new set, but this was the only point on which he didn’t concede.

Still nothing sold.

Then one day a ragged looking gentleman entered the store. He barely glanced at the merchandise. He walked over to Joey and pulled a small marble pawn out of his pocket.

“Want to buy?” he asked.

Joey laughed. “I’ve got a store full of pawns. Why would I want to buy yours?”

“It’s a nice piece. Marble.”

“I’ve got marble pawns. Lots of them.”

“All right, look. I’m a little behind on cash, and I need some cigarettes. How about this: you give me a dollar for this pawn, and I’ll buy it back at the end of the month for a dollar twenty five. You make a profit.”

“How do I know you’ll buy it back?”

“If I don’t, you can sell it for at least that much.”

It could have been desperation, or momentary confusion, or maybe Joey just wanted to see what would happen, but he agreed to the bargain. He took the piece and gave the man a dollar.

At the end of the month, the man did not appear, and Joey ruefully put the pawn out on display with the other unbought pieces.

Two weeks later the man reappeared. Joey scowled at him. “So, are you back to buy your wonderful pawn back?”

“Oh hey, yeah, sorry about that. Times are a little tough these days. I’m flat broke. In fact, I was wondering if we could do the same thing again.”

“No! Absolutely not!  I’ve got all the chess pieces I need!”

“Okay, yeah, I get that. What about a guitar?”

“What?”

“I’ve got a vintage Ovation out in my van. It’d go for like, seven hundred bucks. Throw me a few C’s for it and I’ll definitely be back with the cash at the end of the month. I don’t want to lose this guitar.”

Peter jumped in. “Look pal, we’re not a bank. We sell chess pieces! So why don’t you…”

Jerry stopped him with a gesture. “Let’s think about it. Why don’t you go get that guitar and we’ll take a look at it?”

The man smiled. “Sure buddy! I’ll be right back!”

He left and Peter looked at Jerry incredulously. Jerry said nothing, and looked around him at all the pawns and other pieces. He already knew that his business was about to change, forever.

–Dan Kilian

Godzilla’s Ghost

Definitely Probably Possibly

Octopus Man #2: The Amazing Man-Spider!

Posted in Art, Comedy on October 26, 2010 by klogtheblog

–Casper, Kilian, Kilian, Dolingo and McNulty AKA The Octomen

Editor’s Note: Casper, Kilian, Kilian, Dolingo and McNulty shall henceforth be known as The Octomen

Top Trek: A Pan Fiction!

Sweet Nothings

Octopus Man #2: The Amazing Man-Spider!(Single Panel)

Posted in Art, Comedy on October 26, 2010 by klogtheblog

Click and Magnify to see entire panel.
–Casper, Kilian, Kilian, Dolingo and McNulty AKA The Octomen

Editor’s Note: Casper, Kilian, Kilian, Dolingo and McNulty shall henceforth be known as The Octomen

Top Trek: A Pan Fiction!

Sweet Nothings

Help The Ks Pick a Name/Artwork for Their New Album

Posted in All things music, Art on October 21, 2010 by klogtheblog

Having some trouble picking one out. Let us know what you think. The better the critique, the more it will be considered. Here are some choices.

 

Let us know what you think!

The Ks

Pupa

Sunday 11:29 P.M.

Rejected Baby Shower Activities

Posted in Comedy on October 19, 2010 by klogtheblog

Now that they’re making men attend these, I’m told everyone just sits around and drinks and there are some presents. Recently we hosted such an event.  I did try to come up with some activities, but the were rejected.

Humorous “The Mother to Be Is So Pregnant” Snaps

The Mother to Be and the Beer Bong

Name the Baby Using Boggle Note: It’s important that the parents to be promise to name the baby after the best Boggle name, or it’s really not fun.

Humorous “Why I Might Be the Father” Essay Contest

Key Party

Pentagram Ring Ritual Wherein We Offer the Baby To Satan That I Might Become a Successful Actor and That HE Might Have His Child on Earth

Perform The Great Gatsby in its Entirety, Reading the Book Aloud and Different Guests Assuming Different Characters. No Breaks!

Russian Roulette…With Daggers!

Naked Drumming, Telling of Manly Tales, Weeping and Hugging

Pin The Tail On The Donkey…With Daggers!

–Dan Kilian

The Ghost of Nixon and Obama: A Dialogue

Dan’s Almost Daily Musings