What’s Really Weird with Rand?

Cable news is buzzing with the news that Kentucky’s Republican nominee for the U.S. Senate Rand Paul kidnapped a young woman and tried to make her do bong hits and worship a pagan aquatic god. I say if you didn’t do this in college you must have majored in Business Administration or been one of those religious students who gets kidnapped and forced to do bong hits. So I don’t give a flying crap about this story. I bet rank and file Republicans do care, and higher up Republicans pretend to care, because it seems these days that that party is based on rich cronies of big business working the rank and file into a fervor over bullshit and lies.

To stir the bullshit fervor pot, let’s consider the other quirky aspects of Rand Paul. Despite being the son of the popular (with pretentious simpletons) Ron Paul, and despite having gotten himself into hot water dithering over whether he would have supported the Civil Rights bill in 1964, Rand Paul remains a relatively unknown quantity. This latest bong hits and “Aqua Buddha” episode may actually be eclipsing some of the stranger aspects of this Senatorial Candidate with a conventional tale of college “high”-jinx. What’s really weird with Rand?

His name is Rand

No, Randal Paul is NOT named after Ayn Rand, which would have explained a lot. His dad’s a libertarian, it would make sense for him to be saddled with a bum moniker like Rand or Ayno or Galt due to his father’s love of freedom and blue-green rail. Instead, he CHOSE to go with the name Rand. Also, he says that even though he’s not named after her, Rand is a big fan of Ayn Rand, who is a terrible writer with a wrong-headed doctrine for how the world would work if it wasn’t, you know, the actual world.

He’s a Libertarian

Libertarian’s believe in freedom. They don’t like the man’s rules. Free markets are the way to progress. That’s all great if you want to legalize pot, but if you’ve got problems with things like racism or child labor, you might actually want the man to keep a few rules. That’s why Rand (a name he chooses to go by) had such trouble on the Rachel Maddow show explaining his ambivalence towards the Civil Rights bill. The problem with Libertarianism is that people are assholes, and there have to be rules or the assholes will win 100% of the time instead of 90%. Some of us are shooting for 85%, but the free market’s been running our government for some time now (If only there were some way to place rules on the government!) so assholes rule. Still, there has been some progress in this country, progress Rand Paul doesn’t like.

His Name is Rand

His name is Rand and he’s a Libertarian. Don’t vote for him.

Other Stuff

There’s probably lots of other stuff. He looks funny. Handsome but for the squinty eyes and the villainous fro. Not all fros are villainous, just villainous fros and this dude’s got one. He wears doctor scrubs a lot. Yes, he is a doctor, but I still think it’s creepy. Personally, I think the whole Rand thing and the Libertarianism is enough. Dig around if you need more.

In closing, I’d just like to say Rand.

–Dan Kilian

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A Letter to the Catholic Laity

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One Response to “What’s Really Weird with Rand?”

  1. He’s running against my friend/math competitor from grammar school, who is now Kentucky’s attorney general. Gotta go with Jack Conway.

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