Archive for August, 2010

Excerpt from Previously Unreleased Translation of Video Message from Trapped Chilean Miners

Posted in Comedy on August 27, 2010 by klogtheblog

Relatives of 33 miners trapped in a collapsed mine shaft far below in Chile’s Atacama Desert have been shown new video of the men in which they send greetings to the surface, show the space they are confined…

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“…and here is where the sodomy will happen.  It really is inevitable,
as there are so many of us and we will be down here for months.  The
rapes will start out randomly – although I have my thoughts about who is likely to get it first – but will soon become an organized event.

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Two men will hold down the “polla” while a third anally rapes him.  The
others will avert their gaze from this shameful but, unfortunately,
necessary act.  After everyone has taken a turn we will help up little
Oscar — because, yes, it will be tiny little Oscar — and wash him off.

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Eventually he will come to cherish these acts of kindness, and his
gratitude for them will overcome his self-loathing for being so weak,
such a perennial victim.  Poor Oscar.

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Over here is where we play dominoes….”

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–Steve Kilian

The Human Fly

Listening to Sunn O)))

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Skunk

Posted in All things music on August 24, 2010 by klogtheblog

Turn It Up

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Baby Why Your Eyes So Wild

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Highway of the Endless Night

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Shiraqin

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The Zaragosa Diamond

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Why I Look at Girls on the Train

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Love Songs in E

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Never Gonna Die

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I Died of Shame

Love Songs in E

Posted in All things music on August 24, 2010 by klogtheblog

Love Songs in E

F#  /      F#  /      A   /      G  /      F#  /      F#  /     A  /       G  /     E

I           I was all alone                        Punk Funk, very puctuated.

Hiding in my cave like a gnome              Simple laughing guitar

I never knew any woman                           Embelishments and drone

Til you came to my home

I           I couln’t even speak

Open my mouth and out came screech

You taught me how to talk

And then you taught me how to rock now baby

I surely do lovin’ you baby

I           I was a social misfit

Look at my life and say “Is this it?”

You paid me a little visit

And everything became so exquisite

I           I couln’t even think

Look at the world it made me blink

You taught me all I know

And I sure do love you so now baby

I surely do lovin’ you baby

All right, here we go                                         New feel, spare, hip hop

I love you more than you’ll ever know

I love you so much it makes me scared

I love you more than anybody anywhere

You’re love is making me sing                New feel, seventies Elvis funk with

Love songs in E                                             rolls and Arpeggios, pianissimo

Heavenly strings all join in with me

When you smile so beautifully

Love Songs in E

F#   /       F#  /        A  /         G  /                 4X           Hard rock

Like a chick out of it’s shell

I was sick you made me well

Don’t need no other medicine

You’re my best and only You’re my best and only

F#  /      F#  /      A   /      G  /      F#  /      F#  /     A  /       G  /     E

I           I was a low down slave

Standing around digging my own grave

You took away my shovel, took away my troubles

And you told me to behave

I           I couln’t even stop

I love you so much my head blowed off

You put me back together

And I’m gonna love you forever baby

All right, here we go                                      Same sparce feel, note quicker

I love you more than even I know         Transition, no “Surely do lovin you”

I love you so much and I’m not scared

I love you more than anybody anywhere

You’re love is making me sing                      New feel, seventies Elvis funk with

Love songs in E                                                    rolls and Arpeggios, pianissimo

Heavenly strings all join in with me

When you smile so beautifully

Love Songs in E

You’re love is making me sing                   Building building

Love songs in E

Heavenly things that you’re doing to me

Love songs in E

Love songs in E

Love songs in E

Two times around then F# /

Love Songs in E

–Written by Dan Kilian

–Performed by The Ks

The Human Fly

Listening to Sunn O)))

The Least Exorcism

Posted in Comedy, Critique on August 23, 2010 by klogtheblog

Reverend Marcus thank you for visiting us with your authentic documentary crew. I’m so glad you could visit our daughter. Does she need an exorcism?

No Mister Sweetzer, she needs a chiropractor.

What?

Yeah, she’s just twisting her neck funny. It looks a little freaky, but she’s just jutting her neck in an unnatural way. A neck-brace ought to take care of that.

But what about the way she’s all bent over backwards?

Yep. She’s limber.

But she looks all scary.

That make-up? That stopped being scary by Exorcist II. You’re going to need more than Goth eyeliner to get me splashing the holy water.

I think she’s possessed by the devil!

Let me tell you, the devil’s got better production values. You’re not going to scare people when the budget for your chatroulette campaign costs more than the actual movie.

You mean documentary.

Yeah right, documentary.

Well doesn’t the fact that this is “real” make it scarier? I mean, you’ve got a documentary crew and everything.

That stopped being scary the second time people watched Blair Witch. Spooky the first time, the second time it’s just a bunch of actors walking around in the woods pretending to be freaked out.

I still think my kid jutting her neck out all weird and bending over backwards is the work of the devil!

Yeah, well, you’ll probably recoup your budget on the opening weekend, but don’t expect any good word of mouth. Good day Farmer Sweetzer.

Well…believe in Jesus! That’s the idea, right?

No, we don’t even do that anymore. Ever since The Exorcism of Emily Rose we just take the evangelical demographic for granted. Slap “Exorcism” in the title and those bible thumpers will come. Believe in cheap film-making.

It looks like this will be “the last exorcism.”

God I hope so.

–Dan Kilian

Signs We’re In A New Depression

Movie Script Treatment #129*

Chinese Dragon

Posted in Art on August 18, 2010 by klogtheblog

–Dan Kilian

Tips for landing a job

Fake Piranha Repellent:

The Spoils

Posted in Fiction on August 16, 2010 by klogtheblog

The females were arrayed before him.  Their king looked on in shackles, forked tongue tasting the air.  They huddled in clusters, stroking each other nervously, displaying scaly portals of magenta and blue to their captors.  Such was the way of these creatures.

He felt a mixture of revulsion and duty.  He had killed hundreds if not thousands of their countrymen, had gorged on the yolks of their eggs, had finally brought their king to his knees – yet still they readied themselves to couple with him.  Thoughts of the atrocities visited upon the villagers who had fallen to the lizardfolk did nothing to lessen his distaste for the task at hand.  No, it was duty that bid him to carry it out.

For their raiding and killing would continue until they were thoroughly beaten.  And no surrender would come until their king’s harem had been defiled in front of him.  Only then would the one-time king slink back to his swamplands, disgraced, an outcast, unable to muster an army.

And so he unbuckled his girdle and waded in, as if to battle.

–Steve Kilian

A Metaphor For Iraq

Little Known Facts about Lincoln

Ice Age

Posted in All things music, All things political on August 12, 2010 by klogtheblog

Are we going to deny the crisis until it’s too late?

Didn’t our ancient ancestors at least try to stave off the endless winter with ritual? We KNOW what to do, but this time the religions we invent don’t want to help.

Are we secretly excited, like the drug addict watching his own life like a voyeur? Enjoying the drama as this fool wastes his time, wondering if he’ll ever turn it around?

Is it our secret revenge on the equatorial peoples, knowing that we must have been expelled from paradise long ago for us to live in these tundra? What did we do? What Cain-like crime drove us north?

Is it a self destructive strike against the future, are we so jealous of the life that will continue after we’re dead that we summon floods and sheets of ice to numb the pain?

Do we think science will solve the sins of our indulgence? Will we build giant umbra in space to block the sun? Blast dust into the sky from man made volcanoes? Will repercussion echo repercussion in a doomsday chamber?

I mean, really, what the fuck is wrong with us?

–Dan Kilian

Editor’s Note: This was the text to some Ks show. There was music too.

Sometimes Europe, Sometimes You’re Down

sKwirrels