McChrystal on the Carpet
Stanley! Good to see you.
Hello, Mr. President.
At ease, soldier! We don’t want you straining your saluting arm, do we?
Mr. President, regarding that Rolling Stone Article…
What? There was an article in Rolling Stone? What was it about? Are you in a really lame rock band?
Oh wait! I DO seem to recall something about a Rolling Stone article. Now that I think about it, it was about…You…FUCKING this administration in the ASS!
I’m very sorry, Mr. President. It was a mistake and it reflects poor judgement…
Well it’s not like I’m looking for good judgment from the General I put in place to get us the hell out of fucking Afghanistan! You, know, I seem to recall, this isn’t the first time you’ve fucked me in public. Remember when you were trying to get more troops, and you got all hardball on me in the press? Remember?
I remember our discussions…
I guess ol’ General Stanley needed more attention! Did you need more face time with the president? Well, here’s my fucking face! Do you like it? Or is this just too much of a “photo op?”
Mr. President, again…
Forgive me if I’m being unpleasant. I guess I’m just too “uncomfortable and intimidated!” Shit. I should fire you, but we both know that won’t play. Those fucking traitors on the right will say I’m willing to lose the war out of pique. Never mind that YOU are ALREADY LOSING THIS FUCKING WAR! You just can’t fire a general anymore. There’s too much of a brass fetish in this town. So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. Joe?
Stanley, you remember Joe “Bite Me” Biden?
Hello Mr. Vice President.
Joe. Bite him.
Bite him! If I can’t fire the son-of-a-bitch, then I can at least extract some pain.
Mr. President, you can’t be seri…AAAGH!
That’s it, Joe! Bite him! BITE HIM!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!
RRR!! RRRR!! RRRRRRR!!!
Okay that’s enough. All right, Mr. “Runaway General,” go run away. Run away back to Afghanistan, so you can keep losing that war you’re running. Oh and Stanley?
Yes, Mr. President?
Keep your fucking mouth shut around the press. Or Joe will bite your goddamn balls off.
Fuck off. Ahh! That felt good. Thanks for doing that, Joe.
No problem, Barack! I kind of like the “Bite Me,” thing. I might use it in the 2016 campaign.
Me too, Joe. Just don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Hillary’s got sharper teeth than you do.
Yes sir, Mr. President!
Editor’s note: It seems the very premise of this piece is wrong. Sucks to be wrong! I bet he still had Biden bite him though.