Rahm Takes The Fall

Rahm, come in.

How are you doing Mr. President?

At ease, Rahm.

All right, Barack. How’s it going?

Not so good. This BP thing is killing me.

It’s totally unfair. We were on it. There’s nothing you can do.

I know, it’s like a slow drip.

More like a fast gush. Good speech last night though!

Yeah, but it’s not going to close the gap. You get a feeling about these things. Rahm. I need you to do something for me.

Anything. What?

I need you to sleep with a hooker. A really skuzzy hooker.

I’m sorry?

And I need you to get caught.

Barrack, you can’t be…

We’ve GOT to change the conversation.

There’s got to be another way!

Axle said he’d do it, but we both decided no one would care. He’s just that unsexy.

What about…a…another war?

Rahm, we went to war with Burma two weeks ago. No one noticed! They don’t even cover the first two wars. That market is saturated.

I just can’t damage my career like that. I want to be Mayor of Chicago.

You can still win in Chicago as a skuzz-John. It’s Chicago. I need a distraction!

Don’t worry. Something will happen. Someone will blow something up or kill a bunch of people or something.

God I hope so! Until then, I need you to have sex with a skuzzy prostitute.

I just can’t.

One word, Rahm, and I can have a batch of black-ops drop you, ninja style. You’ll wake up in a hotel room with a needle in your arm, a missing kidney, and a dead whore on the bed. It’s your choice how you want it to happen.

Wow. How come you aren’t this bad ass with the Republicans?

Just not my style. Now go have sex with a whore!

Yes sir.

–Dan Kilian

She Had More To Say, and How She Said It

K-word: Donkdiculous

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