A Hollywood Exec Calls Up Alan Alda
Aldy! Long time! I know! I know!
So, I guess you probably have some idea of why I’m calling…
No, I’m talking a whole new series!
I realize, you’ve done very well. We all loved West Wing’s last season. Best season of the show! That live debate episode! I was tingling! But you don’t want to be stuck doing that Mr. Wizard show on PBS forever, do you? And how many friggin’ memoirs do you have left in you? Let’s talk TV drama!
No, it won’t be nostalgic, and we won’t be talking some Vietnam allegorical-metaphorical ten years after the fact B.S. either. We’ll be talking about Korea, now!
Now! The kids want it hot and fresh, like sushi.
Okay, cold and fresh. But fresh! With “Over There” and “Army Wives” we at least had a year’s lead-in time. We’ve got to get cooking on this! Kim Jong is effin’ crazy! I’ve got some helvagood writers on this, but I need Hawkeye on board to give us the green light.
Okay, so Hawkeye’s an old man…
Retired. Retired! Still gets the ladies, but he’s never gotten over the trauma of Korea.
Right, I don’t think he’d be military, so we’ve got to get ol’ Hawkeye in the area when the war breaks out, when he meets Trapper John Jr. and Colonel Potter III. Meanwhile Frank Burns is working for North Korea!
I know about Larry. I was at his funeral. We’re in talks with Jackie Earle Haley. I know. So they’re all in Japan when the first nuke goes off…
Well, there’d better be nukes! We’re looking for HBO, Showtime!
I mean heaven forbid! Maybe just a very-special episode. I mean, think of the triage scenes!
Yes! Heaven forbid! I realize you’re a pacifist! No one wants to capitalize on tragedy, but if it happens, and let’s face it, Kim Jong is one crazy as bat-shit motherfucker! If it goes nuclear we want to be there to tell it like it is! You know, like the saying goes, television drama is the first draft of history.
What’s the difference?
Aldy? Hello? God damn it!
God damn it! Pick up!
Peaches! I don’t think we’re gonna get Alda. We’ll try to rope him in for a torch-passing scene in the premiere. Get me Dane Cook. Tell him he’s going to be the next Dr. Hawkeye Pierce!