Archive for May, 2010

A Hollywood Exec Calls Up Alan Alda

Posted in All things political, Comedy on May 25, 2010 by klogtheblog

Aldy! Long time! I know! I know!

I know!

So, I guess you probably have some idea of why I’m calling…

No, I’m talking a whole new series!

I realize, you’ve done very well. We all loved West Wing’s last season. Best season of the show! That live debate episode! I was tingling! But you don’t want to be stuck doing that Mr. Wizard show on PBS forever, do you? And how many friggin’ memoirs do you have left in you? Let’s talk TV drama!

No, it won’t be nostalgic, and we won’t be talking some Vietnam allegorical-metaphorical ten years after the fact B.S. either. We’ll be talking about Korea, now!

Now! The kids want it hot and fresh, like sushi.

Okay, cold and fresh. But fresh! With “Over There” and “Army Wives” we at least had a year’s lead-in time. We’ve got to get cooking on this! Kim Jong is effin’ crazy! I’ve got some helvagood writers on this, but I need Hawkeye on board to give us the green light.

Aha!

Okay, so Hawkeye’s an old man…

Retired. Retired! Still gets the ladies, but he’s never gotten over the trauma of Korea.

Right, I don’t think he’d be military, so we’ve got to get ol’ Hawkeye in the area when the war breaks out, when he meets Trapper John Jr. and Colonel Potter III. Meanwhile Frank Burns is working for North Korea!

I know about Larry. I was at his funeral. We’re in talks with Jackie Earle Haley. I know.  So they’re all in Japan when the first nuke goes off…

Well, there’d better be nukes! We’re looking for HBO, Showtime!

I mean heaven forbid! Maybe just a very-special episode. I mean, think of the triage scenes!

Yes! Heaven forbid! I realize you’re a pacifist! No one wants to capitalize on tragedy, but if it happens, and let’s face it, Kim Jong is one crazy as bat-shit motherfucker! If it goes nuclear we want to be there to tell it like it is! You know, like the saying goes, television drama is the first draft of history.

What’s the difference?

Aldy? Hello? God damn it!

God damn it! Pick up!

Peaches! I don’t think we’re gonna get Alda. We’ll try to rope him in for a torch-passing scene in the premiere. Get me Dane Cook. Tell him he’s going to be the next Dr. Hawkeye Pierce!

–Dan Kilian

Endgame

323 Days of Summer: DVD Review

The Invention of the Weekend

Posted in Comedy, Fiction on May 24, 2010 by klogtheblog

Grelgar looked up from his stone bowl of walnut meats. Seven coarse-cloth sacks of unshelled walnuts were stacked in the corner of his hut. A reed basket of shelled walnuts sagged and drooped a few feet from where he sat with a cracking stone in one hand.

After he finished as many walnuts as his bowl would hold, he would put the meats in the basket. Then he would get a fresh bowl of unshelled walnuts and start over. Mingall would come and take the reed basket every day or so, and leave behind bread and fish.

Three days after Grelgar turned 23 (although he did not mark the anniversary, being ignorant of his date of birth), Mingall came to collect the walnuts. Grelgar was lying on a collection of dried reeds and straw, sleeping.

“Where are the walnuts?” asked Mingall.

Grelgar, groggy from drinking, muttered, “Fuck the walnuts, Mingall. And fuck you. Come back in a couple days.”

And so the weekend was born.

–Steve Kilian

Heavy Metal Magazine Cover Discussion Panel

Shit Sherlock

Simon and Guildenstern

Posted in Fiction on May 19, 2010 by klogtheblog

He found himself a peripheral player.  A witness, who had seen nothing. A waiter. Wait and see. Wait and see.

Wait.

He saw nothing.

He did nothing.

There was no one to contact. Don’t call us we’ll call you, only we won’t call you.

Rosecrans and Guildenstern Are Dead. Only they’re not dead yet, they’re still on the boat holding the letter sealed in the envelope. Was he Rosencrans or was he Guildenstern? Probably Guildenstern, knowing his luck. Open the envelope Guildenstern! Don’t betray Hamlet! He’s crazy! He’s going to swap the letter, and you’re going to die! But, no, he wasn’t Guildenstern, he was some fourth friend of them all. Even Guildenstern had a Guildenstern.

He opened his mail. Junk mail in weak disguise. Catalogs in pamphlet form. He returned his Netflix immediately, unwatched, just so he could get something nice in the mail.

He checked his e-mail. He read the news online. He could do his job, but he had to wait for the key detail.

Vladimir and Estragon waiting for Godot. Vladimir and Guildenstern. Simon and Garfunkle on a Paul Simon solo tour. Slip Sliding Away.

Slip Sliding Away.

Even if you get no nearer to your destination you’re still slip sliding away.

–Dan Kilian

He Left His Heart in Scan Francisco

Amantisa

Skullhead

Posted in Fiction on May 18, 2010 by klogtheblog

Skullhead ran to the pyramid, the wind whistling through his eye-sockets. The high priest was anointing the human sacrifice as the drummers laid down a slow, hypnotic beat. The High Priest lifted his dagger to the sun on the horizon, in the ceremonial fashion. Skullhead bounded up the pyramid steps.

“Do not sacrifice this one! He belongs to me!”

All but the high priest averted their gaze from Skullhead’s monstrous visage. The priest brought his dagger to his side, but did not sheathe it.

“Why would you take our sacrifice?”

“He belongs to me!”

“It will anger the Gods!”

“I am a god. You will anger me.”

This was a point of contention. Skullhead often claimed to be a god, but many thought him a demon or monster, or some other creature. Still, it was well known that Skullhead could bring calamity and death with the force and unforgiving nature of a God. So while some doubted his cosmic nature, the end result was the same. Skull head smiled, “Do you wish to challenge my desire?”

The High Priest lowered his head. “You may take the boy.” He summoned three lower priests to his side. Two he directed to untie the boy, and he plunged the dagger into the third priest’s heart.

Skullhead and the boy descended the pyramid and went into the woods, as the skies darkened. They went to the cave where Skullhead lived. It was filled with jewels, gold, and human bones. The boy looked at Skullhead.

“Why did you save me?”

“You are to be my High Priest.”

“Then you are a God?”

“I will be a god to you. I will show you your first miracle now.” He handed the boy a knife. “Cut off your face, and that hood of skin that hides your skull.”

The boy lifted the blade with shaking hands, and began to cut.

Skullhead seemed to smile, but he always looked that way.

–Dan Kilian

I Sell Sea Shells

Peace

Turn It Up Lyrics, Chords and MP3

Posted in All things music on May 17, 2010 by klogtheblog

01 Turn It Up

E          C         D         A                                             2X INTRO

Give me a strip and I’ll plug

All warmed up now it’s time to begin

Take to the hills because we’re the invaders

Burning up the oil sucking down the generators

E                                              A                                 8x?

Turn it up! (Turn it up!) Turn it up! (Turn it up!)

More light! (Turn it up!) Louder! (Turn it up!)

More Power! (Power!) More Power! (Power!)

More Power! (Power!) More Power! (Power!)

Yeah!

INTRUMENTAL                                                     8x?

E          C         D         A                                             1X INSTRU

Hot food in the microwave

I couldn’t live in any other age

Not too clear, not too clean

But dear God you’ve got to love the machines!

E                                              A                                 8x?

Turn it up! (Turn it up!) Turn it up! (Turn it up!)

More light! (Turn it up!) Louder! (Turn it up!)

More Power! (Power!) More Power! (Power!)

More Power! (Power!) More Power! (Power!)

Yeah!

INTRUMENTAL                                                     8x?

STINGA!

Written by Dan Kilian

Performed by The Ks

Slap My Name On This War by Barack Obama

No Other Place

The Monitor vs. The Minotaur

Posted in Comedy on May 14, 2010 by klogtheblog

Merrimack ahoy! Merrimack ahoy!

Hard ballast to the stern! Rig the flypole!  We’ll show those blimey Confederates! The blockade shall hold! Blockade the hold!

Aye aye!

Mizzen the main-shaft!

Captain, there’s a monster on deck!

Where?

Alee!

What ’tis it?

Seems to be half man, half bull!

’Tis a Minotaur! Avast!

He’s goring our crew!

Dive! Dive! All stations dive!

Aye aye! Ho the portswallow! Jib the swain! Dive! Dive!

Did we lose him?

I espy him not.

Sharkman ahoy!

What?

’Tis a man with a shark’s head and front-fins! And he’s coming right for the mizzen!

An underwater Minotaur!

Begging your pardon, Captain, but is a half-shark-half-man truly a Minotaur, or is that nomenclature confined to the half-man-half-bull of Myth? Is he some other species of chimerical creature?

Truly, I know not. If we had not been attacked so recently by a classic variety of Minotaur, I might not have so readily used that term. Let us call him a Manshark.

Aye. Also, I should have also reminded you that this boat is not a submergible vessel, merely an ironclad ship. We’re taking on a good deal of water, being under the surface like this.

You’re a good First Mate! Yes, in light of that, and the Sharkman…

I believe you’d used the term Manshark.

And in light of the Manshark, we should surface.

Surface! Surface! All hands to the giblets!

Aye aye! Aye aye!

Damage report!

Several of the crew have drowned, many been gored, or devoured by the Manshark.

Sir, I’m going to have to belay that moniker. Sharkman is the better name.

Sharkman it is! Crew! Sharkman is the name! Sharkman!

Aye aye! Aye aye!

Hold steady at the beacon!

How shall we overcome these monsters?

Perhaps we shan’t have to! Avast! The Sharkman and the Minotaur are fighting each other!

This is truly a bloody war. Brother against brother. Sharkman against Minotaur.

And I had thought they would be working together, half-beasts that they are.

It must have just been a coincidence that they both appeared so soon apart. Anyway, the jolly Scotsman awaits. Jibble the stirfry.

Jibble the stirfry!

Aye aye! Aye aye!

–Dan Kilian

2012 Minutes of Mayhem

Greek Fishermen

The Knife Never Bites Its Own Handle

Posted in All things political, Art on May 13, 2010 by klogtheblog

–Dan Kilian

I believe the original Persian saying (used recently in a speech at the International Conference on Nuclear Disarmament in Washington by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad)  is “A knife will never cut its own handle” but when I wrote it on the dry-erase board at work (the origin of many  of these works) I like the Anthropomorphism (or is it theriomorphism?) of the word “bite.”

He’s Herman Van Rompuy

Twitter vs. Facebook