Slap My Name On This War by Barack Obama
My adoring Americans. At least half of you adore me. I’m back over 50 percent so you critics can chew on that. Now, after a lot of deliberation, I’m going to answer the question that has been on the minds of most, if not all Americans. Who was that couple that crashed my party?
I’ll tell you who they were. They were star-effers who wanted to taste the Obama magic! 51 percent! I cannot be stopped! One in ten of you don’t have a job and half of you still love me! By the way, if you are looking for a job, might I suggest the U.S. military? It’s got a great job-placement program, and we’re looking to find some replacements for some employees.
And just to ensure that we keep this jobs-program going with a high rotation, I’m sending 30 thousand soldiers to Afghanistan. I said I would fight this war in the campaign, so stop saying I’m going back on my word. I said Afghanistan was the war to fight and that I didn’t hate all wars. I just said it really quickly so some of you didn’t hear me.
The war I didn’t like was the one you’ve all already forgotten about. You know…whatsitcalled, with the whole Kurds and Shiites and Sunnis thing. Big mess. Well, as far as anyone knows, nothing’s going on over there now, so let’s focus on Afghanistan.
My plan is to simultaneously escalate and end this war. This should please everybody. Hawks who think we have vital interests in these desserts and craggy mountains will be pleased, as well as the Hawks who simply like us to be in as many wars as humanly possible. Doves will like the fact that we are using “benchmarks” and “goals” to get out at some point. I’m also trying to build up the Karzai government, while ensuring that it fight its own corruption. I also want the Taliban to be happy, because we’ve got to get them to flip against their own interests if this thing is going to work. Just to make sure we hit every base, we’re including some anti-abortion language in the implementation of what we’re calling Operation Ramp-Up/Draw-Down. Don’t worry, this is still a military plan that respects a woman’s right to choose.
This plan gives me a great opportunity to create a bi-partisan spirit in Washington. I expect Republicans in Congress to support our larger footprint in Afghanistan. The Democratic leadership vehemently opposes escalating the war, so I expect them to do what anti-war Democratic leaders have always done: roll over and accept whatever we’re doing. Hell, I hate this war too and I’m doing the same thing. Why? Because Presidents who give up on wars don’t get reelected.
Also, there’s the whole Al-Queda thing. Remember how we’re at war with a fundamentalist enemy who will stop at nothing to destroy us? The Republicans sure have. I don’t feel a whole lot of rallying around the President going on from these birther-pandering tea-baggers. Damned traitors! How am I going to get them to like me?
30 thousand kids to Afghanistan, that’s how.
Thank you and God bless the United States of America, Iraq, Afghanistan, Western Pakistan and Honduras. Oh, and God Bless 51% of the American public too. Good night.
–Leaked from The White House to Dan Kilian