Archive for November, 2009

Greek Fishermen

Posted in Fiction on November 25, 2009 by klogtheblog

…snotty masses of oily, fishy mackerel roe, wrapped in a translucent membrane and poached just until it’s lukewarm. Then you bite a hole in the side of the eggsac and squeeze it down your throat like frosting from a piping bag. Except it’s not frosting. It’s fish eggs.

Greek fishermen have this as breakfast before they go out for the day, chasing it with a shot of warm Ouzo. The oldest of them all, now unable to go to sea, squints through the cataract in his one remaining eye and grunts a surly farewell as they push off from shore. He absently scratches the circular scar on his chest, the sucker-mark from so long ago. He drinks more Ouzo and cleans tiny squid all morning, a small revenge.

If you slit open a Greek fisherman all you get is clam muck and a few gold coins, maybe a clay jar — and these are only rarely filled with oil, let alone wine. Mostly they’re just full of more muck. But every once in a while you come across a rusted telescope, an astrolabe stuck at thirty six degrees, a small bronze cannon covered in mussels.

–Steve Kilian

Post-Season

The Tipsy Parson: November 3 2009

2012 Minutes of Mayhem

Posted in Comedy, Critique on November 24, 2009 by klogtheblog

The mighty K’uhul Ajaw called the royal calendar maker into his throne-room.

Great and noble Tsuk! All praises from The God K be upon you! So what’s the deal with these calendars? They only go to 2012. I mean, you know, the Mayan number for that.

All hail the mighty K’uhul! Unfortunately, that’s the year the world ends. Seems that Neutrinos from the sun will mutate, causing the Earth’s center to boil.

Now Tsuk, you know our Mayan technological know-how is hyped way beyond our primitive state, but even to a primitive Indian like me that sounds like utter bullshit. You’re assigning biological changes to cosmic particles. It doesn’t even make sense.

Nonetheless, that’s what’s going to happen. Our Astrological analyses prove beyond a doubt that the Earth shall boil from within, the planet’s crust will shift causing giant volcanoes, earthquakes and tidal waves. The end of the world shall chase a key doughy faced hero of the future in cartoonishly linear fashion! All the landmarks of the world shall crumble in familiar ways!

Well that sounds pretty dumb, but maybe kind of fun?

Oh, it sounds fun, but the lulls! The horrible lulls will be the world’s undoing! When they should be scrambling for their very lives seemingly intelligent people will stop to talk about their dead wives, or domestic fissures, or to bond with their ex-wives boyfriends. People will urge on the end of the world and when it comes, again and again broken by these endless lulls, the monotonous pattern will make all destruction tedious!

That sounds horrible! Will anyone survive?

Unfortunately, yes. Are you sure you don’t want the details of this Apocalypse spoiled?

Why should I care? I’m not going to see this Apocalypse, and from what you’re saying nor should anyone in their right mind wish to see it. Not even if they take the day off from work and are looking to kill a couple hours in the afternoon. Spoil away!

All the leaders of the world will designate survivors, who will flee to some arks built in China.

They’re going to trust the Chinese? Wouldn’t the Chinese betray everyone else to allow more of their loved ones to survive?

It probably has more to do with global distribution of DVDs than realistic geo-political thinking. Evidently this project won’t be very well thought through. No one will anticipate crowds of people trying to get on the arks. One nice scientist will make a speech about helping as many people as possible and the world leaders will be moved as if they hadn’t considered the logistics of this long running project before. They’ll have the foresight to put cameras in gear-shafts, but they won’t consider the moral quandaries of survival.

That’s all so awful and stupid! Is there nothing we can do to stop it? Develop some technology?

Oh, I’m afraid the Mayan empire will have fallen thousands of years before all this.

Well, it’s probably for the best. We’re a lousy society. Great calendars, but all the human sacrifice, it’s barbaric. Is there some way we can warn the empires of the future?

We shall, but no one will heed the warnings. Even worse no one will heed our warnings about the Mayan number for 2009.

What happens then?

A movie will predict the end. So many precious hours of useful life wasted!

Can we warn them?

It will be for naught. Millions will see this dreadfully boring prophesy. Maybe, maybe after the initial onslaught, we can spare a few stragglers who don’t have anything to do some lonely afternoon, or who might consider renting it.

For the sake of those few, we must warn them. Get chiseling.

–Dan Kilian

Avatarred and Feathered

The House of Wrongs

He’s Herman Van Rompuy

Posted in All things political, Poetry on November 20, 2009 by klogtheblog

He’s Herman Van Rompuy

Belgian Prime Minister

His name might sound jolly

Or it could seem sinister

 

But whatever effect

His name might inspire

This president elect

Has got hold of the fire

 

He’s carrying the torch

For a unified Europe

He’s hot like a scorch

And he’s sweet, like syrup

 

The kind that you pour

On a thick Belgian waffle

Some say the choice is poor

Some say that it’s awful

 

Some say he’s obscure

Like they haven’t heard of Belgium

I say Tony Blair

Is mere British bubblegum

 

Van Rompuy’s the man

For this difficult era

His unanimous election

Was not reached in error

 

He’ll do nothing to blemish

His ceremonial post

This Christian Democrat, Flemish

Will make of it the most

 

His voice shall be heard

He’ll be both strong and thorough

The currency of the world

Will soon be the Euro

 

So hail Van Rompuy!

Your rise I announce

A name as fun to say

As it’s hard to pronounce

 

Van Rompuy Van Rompuy

I’ll say it again

The leader for Europeae

And prince among men

 

–Dan Kilian

Batman vs. The Taliban

Stephen Hawking Contemplates The Void

Twitter vs. Facebook

Posted in Critique on November 19, 2009 by klogtheblog

I have twice as many Facebook friends as I have Twitter followers. After banging my head against Myspace so I could have as many friends as possible, I’ve lost the urge to hustle these platforms. I actually seem to know who most of my Facebook friends are. I’m less person oriented on Twitter.  I accumulated followers, mostly strangers, for a while, and now all new followers seem to be porn or How To Market on the Internet oriented.

I only post the “good stuff” on Facebook, stuff I think will be seen as funny. I don’t post the filler. I know, dedicated readers of Klog will be shocked that I consider some posts (As opposed to this one) filler.

I stick everything up on Twitter. It’s my dumping ground, where everyone is advertising to everyone.

Today I stuck up what I thought was an amusing bit on Facebook —

Avatarred and Feathered: a bunch of fake dialogue from the movie Avatar. I also posted some silliness my brother made — One Great Wisdom and One Great Truth: some obscene version of Aha’s “Take On Me” and some insight into the concept of  “dickballs” –on Twitter.

The Twitter post got more than four times the hits. Now bear in mind, this blog (if you want to call it that. I call it an ever expanding masterpiece)  is on the long, long slender end of the long tail, so the number of hits is so small as to defy easy statistical analysis, but nonetheless the truth seems to be clear. Twitter beats Facebook for self promotion, and hustling strangers beat actual friends.

Now, Twitter doesn’t just involve followers. Everything posted gets seen by everybody on Twitter who checks out “Everybody”. This doesn’t really change the fact that Twitter, based on this loose, accidental experiment seems to be the place to promote your material.

At least if you’re not hustling strangers on Facebook.

–Dan (I Don’t Really Get Online Networking)Kilian

The Friends of Greta

The Ghost Is Dead But The Corpse Is Still Walking Around

Our Greatest Hits, Yolks Semi-Intact

Posted in All things music, All things political, Comedy, Critique, Fiction, Short Films on November 18, 2009 by klogtheblog

We’ve recently had our 300th post here at Klog, so for a sampling of our greatest hits, we’re breaking it down. This site is purportedly about “Politics, Culture and Abject Nonsense” even though it’s really supposed to be about my band, The Ks it’s really about filling in a new post every weekday, regardless of whether or not we “have something.” Nonetheless, we’re breaking it down by purported categories, with the yolks purportedly intact. Here’s a top ten for Politics, Culture and Abject Nonsense. Enjoy!

Politics

 

Khomeini and Khamenei: A Dialogue

Ayatollah channels Ayatolla, but who’s channeling whom?

Nicey Nice: The Obama Crowley Gates Beer

Remember the Crowley Gates Beer? That would be a good name for a pseudo-micro-brew. Crowleygates.

Mark Twain, Karl Marx, and Socrates: At It Again

Satire doesn’t get any more high-brow than this.

Batman vs. The Taliban

Batman: nation-builder or vigilante run amok?

Terminator: No Salvation

Arnold fights the machine.

Signs We’re In A New Depression

As if you need more.

My Obama Encounter By Jacob Bartelby, Intern to the Department of Health Bureaucracy Department Building 15

Our man Bartelby meets the Baracker up close.

A Nonsensational Speech On the Detainee Abuse Photos by Barack Obama

The kind of speech a president should make, if he’s the President of Iran.

The New Town Hall

Here’s how I’d take on the teabaggers.

The C Word

I’m so glad the Health Care debate is over.

Humanizing Death From Above by MQ1-178

A very self-aware essay.

A Gay Six Way Marriage Celebration

One of these states might be back off the map, but no matter.

Culture

 

The Video: Last Trip To The Well

This is why we do Klog. The band!

Top Trek: A Pan Fiction!

For food geeks and classic geeks.

Project Run For Your Lives

Heidi brings down the Klum.

Here’s What I Was Thinking At 5:30 Today When I Should Have Been Sleeping

If you’re a Neil Diamond fan, or just heard there was once a man with that name.

Why I Listen to Monster Magnet

Why DOES Steve listen to Monster Magnet?

Dropping Science

The science of Rap, and the Rap of science.

The Fascinating Then Curious Then Fairly Blah Case of Benjamin Button

Moderob

The Great Defeat in Georgia

If you’re a Charlie Daniels fan, or just heard there was once a man with that name.

The Michelangelo Project

You’ve heard of this guy.

White Wedding

Billy Idol, cocaine, heartfelt speeches.

Michael J. Fox’s Bad Day

Michael J. Fox has a bad day.

Team America World Police: I’m Just Saying It’s a Classic

Good movie!

Inconsistencies in the New Star Trek Movie

Good movie!

Abject Nonsense

 

The Critic Masturbates

I still like this early effort. Warning! Has references to masturbation!

Hard Case

Baby won’t go down easily.

Regarding the Events off of Mayburn Key, July 23rd, 1964

Gilligan’s Island! Shit makes me laugh.

The Putt Putt: World’s Best Mini Golf, Holes 1-9

It’s about mini-golf!

Post-Season

What happens to The Yankees when baseball’s over?

Imagined Conversation with Ray Parker Jr.

Imagine having a conversation with Ray Parker Jr, composer of “Ghostbusters.”

40 Years Ago Today

Mooning the Moon mission.

July 4th, 1777

330 years ago.

Gullible

Believe it!

Jefferson

Jefferson is evil!

Demon Brand Choco-Mallows

Demon chocolate is evil!

Enough!

New Business Idea

Posted in Comedy on November 17, 2009 by klogtheblog

Beat-Off-in-the-Corner Man!

Women spend hundreds of dollars during bachelorette parties to see muscular men prance about half naked, glistening with oil.  After they get all excited from that, they’re hungry for more.  However, most women are not ready to take that big step to actually hiring a male prostitute.  But now there is a service that fills the gap between exotic dancer and full-on gigolo.  For a modest fee, interested customers can hire one of our trained staff to masturbate in the corner, achieving full release while they watch (or don’t).

The Beat-Off-in-the-Corner Man will also come to (and at) your event, and is an excellent option for bachelorette parties, corporate executive events, bat mitzvahs, holiday parties – you name it.

–Steve Kilian

Project Run For Your Lives

Felix From The Flame

I Can’t Get It Together mP3, Words and Chords

Posted in All things music on November 16, 2009 by klogtheblog

can’t get it together

G#            C#7              F#                    E  F#  D#7

Got no gas in the tank got no cash in the bank

Got no shiny black shoes can’t keep up with the news

G#    C#7     F#   C#7     G#     C#7     F#     E     2x

Every time I see my mother she cries and tells me I’m a wreck

Every time I see my dad he frowns and rips me off another check

D#7                 E7                                                      1x

Dad what you expect?

A      D7     F      D7     A      D7      F        D7     3x

I can’t get it together (Can’t get it together             doo wah doo wah)

I can’t get it together (Can’t get it together        doo wah doo wah doo

Wah                 doo wah doo wah doo wah)

G#          C#7           F#              E  F#  D#7       2x

I’ve got stains on my shirt and my whole body hurts

Don’t wear no fancy watch everything I want costs too much

G#    C#7     F#   C#7     G#     C#7     F#     E     2x

Every time I see my mother she tells me about her other son

Every time I see that brother of mine he tells me how I could have been someone

D#7                 E7                                                      1x

Instead of what I’ve done

A      D7     F         D7    A     D7   F     D7        13 ½ x

I can’t get it together can’t get it together           doo wah doo wah

I can’t get it together can’t get it together        doo wah doo wah doo

Wah                doo wah doo wah doo wah I haven’t

Written to my one and only friend in over a year we haven’t spoken since

And I can’t get it together I know a

Man with the money and the means as well, and another in the city he’s ready to sell

And I can’t get it together If you’d

Give me a minute I could figure it out there’s all these little bits of ideas floating about

And I can’t get it together Well if you  dblhits

Hadn’t of gone I wouldn’t be this way but it’s the way that I am that drove you away

And I can’t get it I can’t get it I can’t get it I Can’t get it

Together                                               I can’t get it together             doo

wah doo wah doo wah             doo wah doo wah doo wah                  doo

wah doo wah doo waaaaah


I Can’t Get It Together

G#                         C#7              F#                    E  F#  D#7    2x

G#       C#7     F#        C#7          G#       C#7          F#         E          2x

D#7                 E7                    1x

A      D7    F     D7       A         D7       F          D7 3x CHORUS

G#                         C#7              F#                    E  F#  D#7    2x

G#       C#7     F#        C#7          G#       C#7          F#         E          2x

D#7                 E7 1x

A         D7       F                      D7       A         D7       F          D7 13 ½ x

Chorus and out. Double hits on time 10 and 11.

Dan Kilian, performed by The Ks

Dropping Science

Clown