Archive for October, 2009

Project Run For Your Lives

Posted in Comedy on October 21, 2009 by klogtheblog

Fans of Project Runway have been commenting on the up-tick in scorn evinced by Heidi Klum as she critiques failing designers. Whether the harshness evidences Klum’s fatigue with the popular show now in its sixth season or (more likely) a conscious decision by the producers to add a more vicious element to the reality, references to “Octoberfest”; “Disco Pumpkin”; “Cheap witch costume” (perhaps the writers are just psyched for Halloween) and the ever reliable “Prom Dress” abound.

Klog’s inside source at the Runway office has leaked some teasers that show the second half of the season will be even meaner. Take a gander at some of the put-downs to come!

You say you want us to see your real style. Well, if this is your style, you should try to look like someone else’s style. Someone good.

The stitching is about as detailed as a football’s. A very sad, amateurish football.

I could see myself wearing that dress. In a nightmare. A nightmare with ghouls.

That dress looks like a pile of rags. I would like to douse it in gasoline and light it on fire. You should have!

That looks like a cheap prom dress. The one Sissy Spacek wore in “Carrie,” after it was doused in pig’s blood.

I don’t really care what that dress looks like. I do not like it because I do not like YOU. You are a horrible person and no one will ever like anything that you do. Fuck off and get out.

You are out. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. Do not hug everybody and pack up your stuff. Just get out. Security!

In fashion, one day you are…oh let us just cut to the chase. Nicolas, your dress sucked. You are out.

You’re out. Ow! Your dress got me so mad I made a contraction! I did not even know how to do that until now!

That dress makes the model look like a gay man’s vision of what a beautiful woman should look like, starved for years, coked up and shellacked with makeup and hair products.

In my country we are very ashamed of the Holocaust. You should be even more ashamed of that dress.

I hate you! I hate you and I am going to kill you! Get out! I will kill your whole family. Why! WHY! WHY DID YOU MAKE THAT HORRIBLE DRESS!!?

Your dress looks like the end result of some meaningless exercise of some trifling entertainment set in the context of a completely shallow and trendy industry! It’s pointless! Also, it is poorly sewn.

After scouring the entire internet, this is the only picture I could find of Heidi Klum where she wasnt beaming like an angel.
After scouring the entire internet, this is the only picture I could find where Heidi Klum wasn’t beaming like an angel.

–Dan Kilian

The Video: Last Trip To The Well

The Fascinating Then Curious Then Fairly Blah Case of Benjamin Button

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Dropping Science

Posted in All things music, Critique, Short Films on October 20, 2009 by klogtheblog

A while back some of the scientists at the Large Hadron Collider posted a rap video to the internet:

It has received some press and pulled in a not insignificant amount of traffic.  Now I like high-energy particle physics as much as the next guy, but unfortunately this rap is awful.

My issues with it are twofold:

1)  There is an unspoken premise that the rap is entertaining because it is about a technical subject and is sung by white people.  Those silly scientists!  How amusing, to see intelligent white people rap – because we all know that rap is really sung by black folks, who could never conceive of something as complex as a supercollider.  It’s a thinly veiled racist joke, and one that’s not even particularly funny.

2)  The rhymes are weak.  Just because you’re a white scientist doesn’t mean you get a pass on this.  The authors should not assume that they’ll be judged on a sliding scale compared to real hip-hop.  Again, race comes into play:  “Surely we can’t be held to the same standard as those negro rappers, since they have a natural affinity for all things rhythmic, as surely as we have a natural race-based affinity for science.”  Get a thesaurus or something, and don’t repeat whole verses over and over again.

My suggestions to the LHC folks who produced these broke-ass rhymes:

A)  Check out the Carl Sagan/Stephen Hawking Glorious Dawn video

Here somebody has made real art about science with a more palpable sense of wonder at the mechanisms of the universe.  I don’t doubt that you share this spirit of curiosity and awe, but please don’t conceal it under lazy writing and sloppy meter.

B)  Stick to your true business of opening a rift in space-time through which swarms of chitin-sheathed insect-demons will pour and feast on humanity.

–Steve Kilian

Back From The Past

Vicious Viking

Self Portrait 5

Posted in Art on October 19, 2009 by klogtheblog

Self5

–Dan Kilian

Dactylophilia

Gullible

Self Portrait #4

Posted in Art on October 16, 2009 by klogtheblog

Self4

–Dan Kilian

July 4th, 1777

I Passed, But Then I Came Back: Five and a Half Song Review

Clown

Posted in Art on October 15, 2009 by klogtheblog

clown

–Dan Kilian

Adventures in Filing

The Great Defeat in Georgia

Self Portrait 3

Posted in Art on October 14, 2009 by klogtheblog

Self3

–Dan Kilian

The Michelangelo Project

Three Variations On the Same Scatological Joke

One Great Wisdom and One Great Truth

Posted in Comedy on October 13, 2009 by klogtheblog

Any sane person should call testicles “dickballs.”

*

Also, to the tune of Ah-Ha’s “Take On Me”:

*

Don’t fuck with me,

Or I will fucking kill you

Don’t fuck with me,

Or I’ll have to motherfucking kill you. . . .

Fuck with me?

Fuck

With

Me

Fuck with me?

Fuck with me

I swear I’ll motherfucking have to kill you.

–Steve Kilian

Gilligan’s Isle

Impaled