Archive for October, 2009

The House of Wrongs

Posted in Fiction on October 31, 2009 by klogtheblog

He tried to lie down inside his body, but the two never melded again. He could not sleep again.

He had to go for a walk.

He felt himself seeping into the cushion and the curtains, like smoke. Particles of himself mixed with the grime in the cracks of the house, a fine tar of anger and dismay.

They had killed him! He needed revenge. He needed life. He needed purpose, and as the black soot of the house infused his being, he joined its collective need for justice.

Someone had been killed! His was only the latest corpse to rot in the walls of this evil mansion. It’s wood creaked with rage, and he groaned with its collective sense of violation.

He lost himself, but gained a greater sense, and a stronger power. When he acted as he remembered himself, he could only flutter and howl. As the greater thing they could break glasses, knock things over, throw plates, cutlery, axes.

The place was empty for years as they whirled and howled, disintigrating and reforming into a refined dust of hate.

The family were strangers to him, then they stayed awhile and some of the odor of the place bagan to stick to them, and they became the ones who were here before, and they began to deserve to die. They embraced their fate, and the house and the ghost he sometimes was tested their collective strength.

Sometimes he appeared to them as himself, in the hopes that some selfish, unremembered goal might be achieved. They might find his bones, or his killer. But he was only partly there. His body had crumpled into a pile of broken bones and dirt, and he was scattered throughout the house. Soon he joined the other, and his forever remembered wrongedness joined the other forgotten crimes, and they punished the newcomers with flapping doors, flying tools and falling walls. They were crushed and torn, every one of them, and their ghosts tried to stay lying inside their bodies too, until the insomnia of death pushed them out, and they too joined the wronged in the house of wrongs.

–Dan Kilian

Hard Case

The Adventures of J.D. and The Rye Guy


Abandoned Halloween Costume Ideas

Posted in All things political, Comedy on October 30, 2009 by klogtheblog

Fail Whale

Using tape and plastic bags, create a vaguely whale shaped blob, then with wires indicate birds hoisting me.

Problem: Too bulky. People who would get would deem it passe. People who don’t twitter would deem it trendy, and stupid.

Barack Obama

A suit and tasteful make-up job, as well as some trimmed Spock ears.

Problem: Don’t actually own a decent suit. “Tasteful” make-up job harder to execute than expected, veering from slightly monstrous to monstrously racist. Ears just look strange. Not as strange as the one they sell at the costume shop.

Tea Bagger

Tea Bags. Obama Hitler sign. Rage.

Problem: Be careful what you pretend to be. Depressingly dutiful accolades from liberals. Confused camaraderie from some lost conservative.

Coraline Dad

Big buttons over eyes. Would totally be creepy.

Problem: Blind for the night.

Evil Refrigerator

Cardboard, white paper, carefully sliced take out containers, velcro, photos of rotting food, drawings as if by some frightened grandchild, Some sort of fake neck. The outside has two panels covered with scared grandchild drawings. One of the drawings is a family portrait including grandma, whose head is mine. Open velcroed panels and inside the fridge is rotten food containers, and inside the freezer is my severed head.

Problem: A little ambitious, and would have to spend the night wearing a cardboard refrigerator.

The Midgard Serpent

Sew together a series of sleeping bags. Have friends run the giant sleeping bag tube through the bar or party, then slowly climb through and then rise up midway screaming “I’ve been eaten by the Midgard Serpent, the giant snake that encircles the world!”

Problems: Again, bulk and ambition. Might get stepped on. Not everyone hip to Viking mythology. Have to fight anyone dressed as Thor.

Radovan Karazic

Beard. Wig. Strange knot.  Dousing rod.

Problems: Pretty obscure. Whole genocide thing’s kind of a bummer.

The Sense of Unease Felt in the Quiet Dark Cornors of the Night.

Black argyle sweater and black jeans. Plastic whistle.

Problem: Whistle might be creepy but the argyle thing might just make it look all Vampire Weekend.

An Actual Weekend for Vampires

Highlighted calender. A dance troupe of vampires. Disco ball on a stick. Vampire DJ.

Problem: Again, too Vampire Weekend. Might prove costly.

Evil Coroner

Fake blood. Lab coat. Blood shooting knife. Actual cracked open human skull. Morgue which transforms into a Satanic Coven worshiping the demons which come for the dead. Pipe organ. Mad priest. Zombie army. Gateway to hell itself. Angels which battle the demons in the final apocalypse. A giant chasm of fire which opens further to reveal a giant satan, able to bestride worlds and freed to consume the cosmos, Glowing light symbolizing God’s mighty power to destroy the infernal Lucifer once the talisman is activated. Some aluminum foil.

Problem: Yes, a little bulky for a night on the town.


Helmet, beard, hammer

Problem: If someone does come as the Midgard Serpent, you’d have to both fight the snake, and admit that it is by far the better costume.

Dan Kilian

Trippy and Groovy: 8 Song Playlist

The Friends of Greta

Chocolate Dan

Posted in Art on October 28, 2009 by klogtheblog


–Dan Kilian

Nicey Nice: The Obama Crowley Gates Beer

The State of The Art in Horror

Stephen Hawking Contemplates The Void

Posted in Fiction on October 27, 2009 by klogtheblog

She moved him from the chair to the seat. They waited. He wondered once again whether the longer wait each time was symptomatic of his shame or of his continuing degeneration.

Eventually he voided himself. She cleaned him with a precision and professionalism that seemed all the more tender for it. He loved her most at this most shameful moment. He wondered again if love, whatever it was, had an energy. As always, he discarded the question. Too many disciplines involved; he would have to answer smaller questions first, and he wanted to answer larger questions in his own field. This woman brought him so far afield!

She put him back on his chair, and slowly pivoted him, turning him back towards the basin. It was time to look.

He activated the pre-set phrase with his cheek. “Everybody looks.”

“Everybody looks,” she replied. It was their catechism, to acknowledge both the strangeness and the normalcy of the moment. Again, love and shame flooded his limp body.

This time it was a number of dark pellets. His diet didn’t vary much anymore, so he wondered that his stool would. They looked like planets. No, like a model for elementary particles. When she flushed he thought of gravity, of black holes.

“It looks…” he started, but then stopped activating his speaking device. It was strange enough this standing over the toilet bowl together, there was no call for more talk.

“What was that?”

“Never mind.” He activated another ready phrase. “Let’s go.”


As she got behind him to pivot his chair once more, he saw something come rising back to the surface of the settling water. He activated his cheek.


She looked at the remaining pellet. “Oh I’m so sorry!” she said, and flushed once again.

So many things went through his head. He was drawing out the intimate shame of this part of the day, and she was the one apologizing. He’d just realized something important, something that might revolutionize his field, and all he wanted to do was confess his love, while they hovered over a toilet.

Words raced through his head, and his inner cheek trembled, but he said nothing. She wheeled him away, back to his study, just as always, though everything was different. He would confess his love. Though his body was all gravity, it radiated love. It was a different universe. Something, at least something could escape a black hole.

–Dan Kilian


End of Conflict II: The Squid & Whale Tattoo

Batman vs. The Taliban

Posted in All things political, Comedy on October 26, 2009 by klogtheblog

batmanistanThere they are. Mullah Omar’s henchmen at their wicked games again. Well, they’ve chopped off their last finger.

Spin, twist, double kick.

Oof! Ow!

You guys may think you’re religious heroes, but you’re just punks to me.

Someone coming behind you. Spin, kick, punch!

Anyone else want to try something clever? No?

You kicked my father in the head!

He had it coming.

I will never rest until I have avenged him!

The little punk’s running into that farmhouse. Can’t follow, too many ways to get trapped, and he could have reinforcements in there. Robin, set the Batplane on autopilot and have it destroy the building at the following coordinates. 10…

Holy blowback Batman! What about civilian casualties! Won’t we be turning the people against us if we blow up their building?

Yes, you’re right, Robin. Cancel that last order. We’ll do this with old fashioned detection skills. Need some civilian help. You there! Yes? I’m looking for the son of this criminal here. Do you know where he lives?

I cannot help you.


Because you will leave. And then the Taliban will cut out my organs.

I don’t leave. I…I sink back into the darkness.

Well, when you sink back into the darkness, these guys come and cut us up.

Look. You’ve got to give me a chance.

Give you a chance, you’ve been at this for eight years! And nothing ever changes!

Well, a lot of that time I was really focused on beating The Joker.

When you were fighting the Joker, we were dying! He wasn’t even doing anything. You just attacked him, and he was under house arrest.

The Joker may have conned those credulous fools at Arkham Asylum, but I knew he was up to something. Would you prefer a world with the Joker still alive? Anyway, now I’m focused on Afghanistan. And I’ve got back-up from the rest of the Justice League.

Yeah, I’ll believe that when I see it.

Yeah, me too. Time to make a phone call. Superman? Yes Batman! I’ve captured a couple Taliban members, but there’s a new convert. I could use some other caped crusaders to…

Please, Batman, don’t call us crusaders!

Sorry! Sorry! I need some…masked vigilantes to patrol and pick up this kid.

You know, we’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. There are a lot of supervillains in the world, and popular support for the war is way down. Don’t you think this is something Aquaman could handle, with maybe a little help from Wonder Woman’s invisible plane? He could monitor this whole thing from the ocean, and then when an actual supervillain pops up, they could bomb the hell out him.

Yeesh, I don’t know Superman. This situation is really dicey. And what about the people?

Well, maybe NATO can help out. I’ve got to go rescue a cat from a tree in Wisconsin. Up up and away!

Great. Well, I still need to get these guys on my side. Don’t worry! Help’s on its way! Can you help me tie these Taliban up so I can bring them to the local Commissioner or Warlord or whatever you’ve got here?

Batman just tore up the Quran! Everybody riot! Everybody riot!

Time to sink back into the darkness. See you later everybody! I’ll be back once you’ve invested in a bat signal!

Dan Kilian

Asphalt Planet

Back to The Return To The Last Trip To The Well, Part Two

The Ghost Is Dead But The Corpse Is Still Walking Around

Posted in Fiction on October 23, 2009 by klogtheblog

In fact, the body is yet to die. He’s been living in the haunted mansion for fifteen years, and never seen a ghost, until he started haunting himself. It took him a long time to recognize his shade, and it never made a sign that it recognized him. It just howled like a soul in torment, and left strange pale stains on the curtains and the furniture.

The exorcists arrive with a camera crew. It’s as big a production to film the ceremony as to perform it. He can’t tell if they were repeating prayers for ritualistic purposes or to get different angles. He enjoys the attention. The eternal afterlife and the fifteen minutes of fame. Which lasts longer?

The holy water leaves similar, though smaller stains on the furniture. “It is the power of Christ that compels you!” Was the movie accurate or did it influence the ritual? Are these holy men or hacks?

Evidently they’re the real deal because his ghost disappears for good. None of the original ghosts of the Haunted Mansion take his place.

He gets a tape of the show, and watches it when it comes on the Sci-fi channel. The ghost looks fake, and he looks fat. He’s glad to have the ghost gone, but he feels a little empty now.

–Dan Kilian

Men On The Moon

Mark Twain, Karl Marx, and Socrates: At It Again

Felix From The Flame

Posted in All things music on October 22, 2009 by klogtheblog

Editor’s Note: This bit comes from the program from the first performance by The Ks to feature Soup, Ray and horns.

The title of tonight’s show is a triumph of alliteration over literature, sound over sense, Sinead O’Conner over storytellers of old. It was David Benjoya, the new  Musical Director of The Ks (excellent job Dave!) who pointed out that the Phoenix, the mythical bird, rises not from flames, but from the ashes. Still, the song goes, “phoenix from the flame,” and so goes our namesake show.

That is something art does: it transforms sense into beauty through nonsense. Or is it sense into nonsense through beauty? Are we getting to the spiritual essence of things or just smoothing the corners? Certainly there’s a little too much pretty nonsense in politics these days, but we fight the ugly reason behind the well tested words with the loving illogic of our untested illogic. We lose, and burn, but it is that fire that we rise from. We turn our ashes into fuel, and we rise not from the debris of our loss, but the flames of our beauty.

–Dan Kilian

End of Conflict