Healthy To The Max

Senator Max Baucus has released his I-partisan plan to the Senate. Senator Baucus announced, “We wanted it to be Bipartisan, but in the end, only I, Max Baucus, could agree on a plan. I had much Baucus debate before coming to my I-partisan plan.”

Now the wrangling begins. Here are the proposals to look for to get Health Care over the finish line.

The Death Facts Tax

Acknowledging that people die will become illegal. People who die will be given a stiff fine, for reminding the rest of us that we will die, and tempting us to somehow plan for it.

The Beige, Red and Fade to Black Rule

Anyone who looks like a Latino must provide a birth certificate before receiving emergency care. Failure to do so will leave that potential border crosser to die in a pool of his or her own blood. To say that anything less than that doesn’t provide illegal immigrants with health care would be a lie.

The “Whatever Olympia J. Snowe Wants” Clause*

Senator Snowe is sometimes referred to as a “RHINO.” That means  that as the lone Republican still negotiating on the plan, and potential  sixtieth vote to override a filibuster, she’s as powerful as a rhinoceros; don’t do anything to upset her. So far, under the new plan, band-aids will have a smiling image of Snowe’s face on them, ambulance sirens will change their distinctive wail to a ring-tone of Snowe’s favorite song (The Carpenters’ “Superstar”), and the next time a U.S. city hosts the winter Olympics, all snow-machine generated snow shall be referred to as “Olympia Snow.”

The Wish Trigger

As a substitute for the Public Option those who would for some reason like the cost of health care to go down are proffering a new compromise: The Wish Trigger. Should an insurance Co-Op fail to provide the low price competition needed to keep Insurance companies from gouging us, it will trigger a “wish” that prices were lower. If enough people wish hard enough, maybe somehow prices will magically get lower. Then, if enough people wish for the public option, maybe we’ll revisit the idea in ten years and a few trillion dollars that we’ll wish we hadn’t had to spend.

The “Something” Provision

Commentators have been making the bold pronouncement that Congress will give Barack Obama “something.” It might not be actual Health Care reform that solves the problem of exploding costs, but it will be “something.” Look for some thing. Any thing, really. It’ll be better than no thing.

–Dan Kilian

*Yipes, looks like those Snowe jokes are now dated. I’m going to leave them in because, quite frankly,  I’m running out of Health Care jokes.

Obama Health Care Speech

Giving Your Input, Getting Your Kickback

Senator Max Baucus has released his I-partisan plan to the Senate. Senator Baucus announced, “We wanted it to be Bipartisan, but in the end, only I, Max Baucus, could agree on a plan. I had much Baucus debate before coming to my I-partisan plan.”

Now the wrangling begins. Here are the proposals to look for to get Health Care over the finish line.

The Death Facts Tax

Acknowledging that people die will become illegal. People who die will be given a stiff fine, for reminding the rest of us that we will die, and tempting us to somehow plan for it.

The Beige, Red and Fade to Black Rule

Anyone who looks like a Latino must provide a birth certificate before receiving emergency care. Failure to do so will leave that potential border crosser to die in a pool of his or her own blood. To say that anything less than that doesn’t provide illegal immigrants with health care would be a lie.

The “Whatever Olympia J. Snowe Wants” Clause

Senator Snowe is sometimes referred to as a “RHINO.” That means she’s as powerful as a rhinoceros; don’t do anything to upset her. So far, under the new plan, band-aids will have a smiling image of Snowe’s face on them, ambulance sirens will change their distinctive wail to a ring-tone of Snowe’s favorite song (The Carpenters’ “Superstar”), and the next time a U.S. city hosts the winter Olympics, all snow-machine generated snow shall be referred to as “Olympia Snow.”

The Wish Trigger

As a substitute for the Public Option those who would for some reason like the cost of health care to go down are proffering a new compromise: The Wish Trigger. Should an insurance Co-Op fail to provide the low price competition needed to keep Insurance companies from gouging us, it will trigger a “wish” that prices were lower. If enough people wish hard enough, maybe somehow prices will magically get lower. Then, if enough people wish for the public option, maybe we’ll revisit the idea in ten years and a few trillion dollars that we’ll wish we hadn’t had to spend.

The “Something” Provision

Commentators have been making the bold pronouncement that Congress will give Barack Obama “something.” It might not be actual Health Care reform that solves the problem of exploding costs, but it will be “something.” Look for some thing. Any thing, really. It’ll be better than no thing.

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