Rough Night

Woke up covered in gore, again. I was wearing some kind of organ on my arm like a sleeve. Could have been human, could have been goat. No big deal either way.

So I washed up a bit in the mop sink, hosing myself down in cold water and scraping off the worst chunks with the back edge of a straight razor I found behind the toilet. Took a couple shots of Yukon Jack warm and then a big pull of cold gin to get the taste out of my mouth, and then had a pickle. People, it was a good pickle. Anyhow, I jerked my cock till it spat and then decided to shave my nuts and ass. Didn’t get around to it, though, since I must have taken a nap in the kitchen – at least that’s where I woke up the second time.

Did four lines of blow that were laying around and tried to wake up the dame that had puked all over herself and my new leather couch. She wasn’t moving much and was sort of blue around the gills, but I didn’t have time to mess around with that. I had a busy day ahead of me. Sprayed on some perfume – don’t let ’em tell you it’s “cologne”; it’s just perfume for men – and then I felt respectable. Went out and started up the El Camino and tore out of there. Didn’t get too far before I realized I had a U-Haul trailer hitched up to it and it was running on one flat tire and the rim.

I unhitched the trailer and was about to go when I heard something knocking around inside. I snapped the lock off the door and opened it up. There was a skinny white girl in there and I can tell you she would have looked good if she hadn’t shit up the place so bad. As it was she was still a looker so I climbed in and shut the door behind me.

She struggled a bit but I knocked her over and got her from the back and after a while she sort of gave in. I was a bit rough on her on account of I’d already spat, but the whole scenario was pretty damn erotic so it didn’t take too long before I’d shot it again. I pushed her off and I could hear she was crying. That upset me or something because the next thing you know I’m snapping her neck. Her chin just went around like a doll’s — it was that easy. “Aw shit,” I said, and went to the back of the truck for some gasoline. I splashed the trailer down good and lit it up and took off.

I’d gotten some gas on my hands so I jerked it again, working my middle finger up my ass pretty good. It stung a bit and I almost ran into the back of a postal Jeep but I recovered and things worked out OK. I pulled into a Dairy Queen and drank a few pulls off a gallon of milk and then put it back in the cooler. The guy at the counter started yelling in some language or other and I gave him the finger and grabbed a pack of Newport 100s and a Slim Jim and left.

I lit up two smokes and drove out to the beach so I could clear my head. I ate the meat product and felt like I was gonna puke, but I didn’t. I pulled into the beach lot and bought a round of ice cream cones for the kids. I like kids.

I got naked and waded out into the surf. A ray tried to take a bite out of me so I stomped it and tore it in half. The water was cold so there weren’t many people in it, but one kid came up and said, “Hey, mister. Why are you naked?”

“Forgot my suit,” I said, and walked out to where it was deeper. The water felt so good I could have swum to England. The kid’s mom was yelling for him to get away from me, which was probably a good idea. I dove down and swam for deeper water.

I probably got a hundred feet or so before my lungs gave out. I sucked in that salt water and it burned something awful. What was nice is I didn’t have to fight to keep down. I just sank to the bottom. I bit the legs off a crab and my eyes went dark.

I woke up in a clinic with a tube in my throat. I pulled that out and the IVs in the back of my hand and went looking for the pharmacy. I was buck-ass naked but clean, except for an iodine stain around the scar on my side. They must have pulled something out of me. I got to the pharmacy and there was a little woman doctor in there. I just said, “You’re something sweet” and she didn’t even struggle. She was combing my snot out of her hair and I was grinding the Percocets between my thumb and forefinger when her boss came in.

He made a lot of noise so I grabbed a handful of syringes and put them in his neck. He took off gurgling and I held a handful of Percocet out to my number one girl. She snorted it up like a horse taking an apple and then I took a boost myself. There was still some powder in my hand so I put it up her skirt and she was ready for another go-round.

I had things to do, though, so I grabbed a couple vials of morphine and took off. My car wasn’t in the lot so I put my fist through some doctor’s window and drove off in a slightly damaged BMW. I got to a park and tilted the seat back and put my feet on the ceiling. I snapped the top off one of the vials and poured the morphine into my ass. I spread my cheeks and let it settle in nice and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I must have dozed off like that because I woke up to a boy in blue pointing a gun in my face. I got out of the car like he said and he told me to put my hands over my head. I wasn’t about to go to jail – I had a busy day ahead of me – so I slugged him and damn near took his jaw off. His partner shot me through the shoulder and missed three times before I got to him. He got the worst of it.

I got into the cruiser, hit the lights, and started barreling into town. There was a 12-gauge propped in the front, which I unlimbered and pointed out the passenger side. I pulled up next to an Abdow’s Big Boy and blew the statue off its pedestal. Then I went past the firehouse and blew out their windows for good measure.

Some cops started tailing me so I cracked the top on the second vial of morphine and rammed it up my nose. I tipped my head back to let it run in and slammed into the back of a station wagon.

I got out and went to check that they weren’t hurt. It was a damn shame, innocent bystanders and all, but a kid in the front seat had hit the windshield and left a clump of hair on it. His mom must have bounced off the steering wheel and cut her upper lip clean off. I pulled off the rear view mirror and showed her what she looked like and asked if she wanted me to finish her off. She was crying and her kid was starting to stir so I put my thumb two knuckles deep in her eyesocket before the kid woke up. Nobody should see their mother die.

The cops shot me three times in the abdomen and once in the back of the head. I went down – I’m not afraid to admit it. I was bleeding out of my mouth and my ass and all I could think of was that pickle. Damn it was good.

I lurched back up and they tased me three or four times. One of the jolts made me come pretty hard, and I smiled at the lady cop. She hit me with her baton and one of the tough guys pistol whipped me until I passed out.

I must have died or something because I never woke up after that.

–Steve Kilian

Hard Case

Good vs. Evil

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