Mark Twain, Karl Marx, and Socrates: At It Again

Editor’s note: Here at Klog we’re honored to have a master of parody: Mr. Dan Kilian. His knack for replicating voices in his writing, led us to consider a challenge: Could he present the stories of today as if through the great minds of yesteryear? We picked three current hot topics, and three archetypal thinkers of old: our health-care debate as viewed by Samuel Clemens (AKA Mark Twain), the economic downturn from the point of view of Karl Marx, and the post-election turmoil in Iran through the eyes of Socrates. Mr. Kilian has risen to the challenge, mimicking them perfectly in this new context. Enjoy!

Samuel Clemens on Health-care

Holy fuck! These Democrats are such fucking morons they’re going to blow their one chance at the motherfucking power. People elected Obama to get a health care system, people want a fucking system, and they’re still going to fuck it up! Un-fucking-believable! They just think the Republicans are going to be stupid fuck-ups forever, but people hate the god-damn Democrats too, so it’s time to deliver. Shit or get off the pot, motherfuckers! Or you’ll be the shit, and I don’t mean the shiiiit, I mean a big chunk of human shit that gets flushed. Fuck!

Karl Marx on The Economy

You motherfuckers are going down! I told you so! Boom and bust, baby, boom and BUST! You are all so fucked! You can try all the Keynesian bullshit you want, but you’re still shifting the goddamned deck chairs on a fucking sinking ship. People can only take so much shit. They are going to rise up and string the rich people up and strangle them in their own goddamn intestines! Just because it started in Russia and China, the twin shit-holes of the world, and those countries continue to suck doesn’t mean shit. It’s your turn to eat shit, America, so open wide and chew hard. Holy fuck!

Socrates on Iran

What the fuck is going on in Iran? Is this an Ayatollah power grab or is it a motherfucking revolution? Holy fuck! Literally. That Khamenei is one religious asshole. I guess the question is, does Rafsanjani want to free the goddamn people, or does he want to be the motherfucking Shogun? Either way, some poor bastards are gonna die. One things for sure, no one gives a fuck about the goddamn Uighurs. For all I know, the Chinese have already killed the whole fuckload of them, and no one gives a flying shit! Guess they picked the wrong color. Should have gone with green.* More people care about the goddamned Darfurians than the fucking Uighurs, and people don’t give a shit about Darfur! Holy fucking fuck!

–Dan Kilian

Good vs. Evil

Michael J. Fox’s Bad Day


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