The Fascinating Then Curious Then Fairly Blah Case of Benjamin Button

Ah have not lived the same kind of life that othahs have lived. Ah was born very interestin’, then became less interestin’ as my life went on. Ah was an old man as a baby, strugglin’ with mortality aind frailty as Ah looked at life with new ahs.

Ah met a young redheaded girl, named Daisy, and she found me to be fascinatin’. Ah loved her from the first minute Ah saw her, as Ah was full of crazy passion. The complexity of mah strange age affliction lent our relationship a creepy element of forbidden longing and tragic doomed love.

Ah saw her again when she was a young woman, beautiful but somewhat tedious, ramblin’ on about her life as a dancer. Ah was a reverse-aging sailah who hung out in brothels with colorful drunks and fought in the war. Ah was still too interestin’ a charactah for us to be an ideal match.

As Ah grew youngah, Ah became ever so slightly more borin’ as the yeahs past. Ah was no longer weirdly old, and Ah looked like a middle-aged movie star. Daisy, having been beaten up by life a little, was a more well-rounded person the next time I saw her. We were both just compellin’ enough to fall in love.

But then Ah started getting’ more and more borin’. Ah wore less and less make-up, and affected a hangdog expression, which didn’t compensate for mah lack of true depth. Even my New Orleans accent came and went. Ah stopped sailin’ an’ sold buttons. Or maybe I just lived off an inheritance. I forget.

Daisy was pregnant, and Ah knew our child would need someone who wasn’t so bland for a father. We’d have long boring conversations about it.

“Is it because Ah’m getting’ older?” Daisy asked.

“Ah’ll always love you,” Ah answered, vaguely realizing what trite melodrama our story had become.

Ah came and went. Even the fact that Ah was still getting’ youngah had lost its novelty. Mah story stretched on an’ on, and you could see where it was goin’ an’ you just wanted it to happen already.

Finally it did. Ah even had a mind-numbin’ little moral to tell. Appreciate life while you can. At least appreciate the excitin’ parts, because they are surely fleetin’.

–Dan Kilian

Who Watches The Watchmen?

Team America World Police

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