Archive for June, 2009

Our Top 20 Hits

Posted in All things political, Comedy, Fiction, Poetry on June 30, 2009 by klogtheblog

We recently posted our 200th post, and we’re pretty proud of the body of work we’ve generated. Why not take a look and see if there’s something you might have missed? Here’s the current take on the twenty best Klogs.

The Ghost of the Ayatollah Khomeini talks to The Ayatollah Khamenei, but things aren’t what they seem!

This is pretty silly stuff, but it makes me laugh every time I read it. A very off color not for the squeamish take on the Gilligan’s Island Theme song.

This, weirdly enough, is our most viewed item. I guess we’re on the search engine for birthday cake balloons. How to duplicate this effect?

This is our most commented on piece, even if at least one of the commenters hasn’t read the piece. It’s about the new Star Trek movie.

Geek that I am, I prefer this piece mocking the original Star Trek series. Geek that I am, I combine it with Top Chef.

In hopes of replicating the success of the Star Trek piece, we tried a Terminator piece. Too bad that movie’s supposed to suck.

And we mock The Beatles Rock Band Game.

Political satire has a short shelf life, but here’s us keeping Obama off the pedestal, regarding those detainee abuse photos.

Our fascination with the occult and with money combine in this spooky piece about Thomas Jefferson.

The ghost of Nixon talks to Obama.

The Iranian uprising meets twitter.

Mickey Rourke as Godzilla.

Music, politics, why not religion? This piece is NOT for the devout. Joseph in the North.

H.P. Lovecraft meets Steve Kilian with Kuo-toa Assimilated.

On some computers, this poster looked decent, and on some it looked all messed up. Hopefully it’s all better now. A minor character in a Neil Diamond movie gets his own in Love On The Rocks.

Here’s a tale about bumping into Billy Idol at a wedding.

A sad tale involving squirrels.

The ultimate heavy metal rock video, From Space to Destroy!

Perhaps describing this entire blog, The Critic Masturbates. Warning: this piece is about masturbation.

And the original piece about The Cookie Monster.

Let me know if I missed anything. Enjoy!

—- Here’s what we thought were the Top Ten Klogs after 100 posts.

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Adventures in Filing

Posted in Comedy on June 29, 2009 by klogtheblog

Day 1

Charlotte brings the folders to his desk. Two stacks, about a foot and a half high.

Day 2

Look at those stacks!

Day 3

He stacks the manila folders. Mostly 47000s and 48000s, with the odd 45000, a few 46000s. One 43457. Now there are five stacks.

Day 4

All right, 43457, it’s time to send you home. He picks up the folder and brings it back to the storage closet. 45003-45997, 44408-44499, 44001-44449, 39501-39998… and 39002-39499! There you go! He opens the box and flips through, and deposits his folder. He’s one fifth of the way through with his job.

Day 5

Look at those stacks!

Day 8

Pop the box together. The tight solidity of the cardboard sliding together flush into a rectangular cube is very satisfying. Onto the drawers. 46002-46048, 46502-46099, all the way up to 46498, it all goes into the box. Into the storage closet. Now the fat sharpie, to make 46002-46498 an official storage box, and to get high. Again he considers whether he should order purple sharpies. Would that affect the high?

Day 9

He grabs a cluster of green hanging file folders and repositions them in the drawer. Now there’s room for his manila folders. In they go. Wait a minute, 46880, you don’t go with the 48000s! Disaster averted! File, damn you! File!

Day 10

Down to one stack. Look at that stack!

Editor’s Note: While this story is loosely based on true events, I changed the name of my co-worker Chi to Charlotte, to preserve her anonymity. Also, the numbers have been altered slightly, and there are really two stacks remaining, one stacked perpendicularly atop the other. I was filing the 47000s when the idea of “Adventures in Filing,” occurred to me, so I had to stop everything to satisfy The Muse. Welcome to meta-fiction bitches! Are you reading about filing or are you reading about reading about writing about filing? Where is reality now? File that!
*
–Dan Kilian
Adventures in Solitaire
Dialogue With The Loch Ness Monster

Three Variations On the Same Scatological Joke

Posted in Comedy on June 28, 2009 by klogtheblog

Q: Why does crap look like lumps of bronze?

A: Because it comes in turd.

Notes: Simple, which is good, but does crap actually look bronze? It’s really more of a burnt umber. It might be close enough that people will go along with it, but there might be a subconscious tension that undermines the release of the punchline. Jokes are like the scientific method. If people don’t believe the given, they won’t accept the results. Is crap a good middling between shit and poop?

A favored Olympiad stumbles on the track and comes short of the gold or silver meddles. Expecting a bronze, he instead gets a lump of shit on a string. “What’s this for?” he asks, bewildered? The Olympic official explains “You came in turd.”

Notes: Doesn’t work. Puns don’t justify illogical behavior. The language is tortured, having to avoid the word “third.” Replacing the bronze with an actual lump of feces avoids the discrepancy of version one, but it makes bronze itself unnecessary, and thus the entire set-up kind of pointless. If it’s going to be on a string, the word is definitely shit.

Two guys are having anal sex. Then they shit on each other, smearing the feces all over themselves. Then they bring in a dog and a cat and make them take craps on the floor and then they roll in it. Then they bio-engineer a giant living piece of crap and feed it so that it can take a shit. They take this doubly shit shit and cook it in birdshit and they eat it. Then they put on diapers, shit in the diapers and then wear the crapped-up diapers as hats, as they smear more exotic forms of dung into every crevice of their bodies. A member of the Olympic committee shows up and gives them each a bronze medal. “What’s this for?” the ask.

“You came in turd,” says the Olympic committee member. Then the Olympic committee member take a shit in his hand and eats it.

Notes: This seems to strike the right balance, but I’m troubled by the word “dung.” Don’t want to get redundant, but the word is a little sterile. Definitely on the right track.

–Dan Kilian
Michael Steele Joke
Very Off-Color Gilligan’s Island Theme

An Historic Lapse

Posted in useless excuses on June 28, 2009 by klogtheblog

Yesterday, for the first* time since we started this Klog thing in January, I neglected to post a new piece. I did not budget my time right. It was Saturday and there were errands and social obligations. It’s probably a healthy thing; I’ve been a little obsessive with this posting every day thing, which can get in the way of other things. I should probably get more relaxed about it, but for you, potential regular reader, we post every day. We’ll throw a couple things up today to make up for it.

I hope you’ll note that Klog doesn’t give you too much of the personal business you don’t care about, focusing on the political satire, cultural criticism and errant microfictions you crave, in theory. We’re back at it today.

–Dan Kilian

*We’ve had a few post-midnight posts, but it’s not tomorrow til you wake up the next day. Also, we might have missed a day or two in January, but since then we’ve been constant.

—————————————- Gundream
—————————————- Sweet Nothings

The Michelangelo Project

Posted in Comedy, Fiction on June 26, 2009 by klogtheblog
In a Scientology lab deep in the heart of Hollywood, Forrest Whittaker and John Travolta are suited up in level III containment gear. They are working through a glove box on scraps of nose and lip tissue that have been kept in liquid nitrogen for years.

“Do we have a viable sequence?”

“By Xenu’s shroud, I think we do.”
*
“Well, then, let’s insert it into the host cell.”

Suddenly they are interrupted by their supreme leader. Tom Cruise, through the speakers built into his shiny black level IV+ gear, says, “That won’t be necessary, gentlemen.”

Perplexed, Forrest and John take their hands out of the glove box.

Cruise continues, “You see, I haven’t been completely honest with you. Others have had access to the same material that you are now working on. The Michelangelo Project has been in progress for years.”

“Years? How many?”

Then a figure steps from behind Cruise. He’s familiar, but something about him is strange. The skin tone, the structure of his facial features – it is like looking at the brother of someone they’ve known for a long time. But then he speaks, and understanding washes over them.

In a high, perfect voice, he says, “Sixteen. I’m sixteen years old.”

*
*


–Steve Kilian

Steve’s Grisly Video
Michael J. Fox’s Bad Day

Impaled

Posted in Poetry on June 26, 2009 by klogtheblog

Impaled!

On a cold spike of iron impaled!
*
Blood in my lungs impaled!
*
Dying in the field impaled!
*
Victim of the horde impaled!
*
Useless to my tribe impaled!
*
Leaving wife and child impaled!
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Food for the crows impaled!
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Hanging in the air impaled!
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Seeing only dark impaled!
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Screaming though I’ve died impaled!
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For eternity impaled!
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Impaled! Impaled! Impaled!
*
–Steve Kilian

Bitchin’ about Hitchens

Posted in All things political on June 25, 2009 by klogtheblog
A friend brought this article by Christopher Hitchens to my attention:
Persian Paranoia…Iranian leaders will always believe Anglo-Saxons are plotting against them.

It sounds like Hitchens is gearing up to buy another war drum. No wonder these guys in Iran want the bomb. Hitch is taking a bold stance against the Ayatollah.

So Obama’s words will be twisted whatever he does, shouldn’t he give them some direct pull quotes so the anti-Americanism can seem more authentic? There IS legitimate reason to suspect American and British  meddling in recent Iranian history. Hitchens thinks he can sneer at these savages and oversimplify the problem, just as he did in Iraq, and then call it an insight. The guy needs to learn his lessons from the last war and write with one part more humility, and one part less gin.

Hey, I’m no fan of the Mullahs, but I think Obama has been dead-on in his statements, and all these patriots picking apart our President on a matter of foreign policy are hypocrites and blunderers.

I also read Hitchens with suspicion. Too many people have died for stupid reasons he’s supported. I dislike his obvious contempt for a cagey and complicated enemy, and I smell war fever, not any actual strategic thinking. And treating Iranian paranoia as simply unjustified delusion simply ignores history. We’ve got a LOT to answer for in Iran.

I don’t have sneering contempt for Mr. Hitchens, (the murderous drunk) though he does for the government of Iran.

It is a mistake to assume that the ayatollahs, cynical and corrupt as they may be, are acting rationally. They are frequently in the grip of archaic beliefs and fears that would make a stupefied medieval European peasant seem mentally sturdy and resourceful by comparison.

You might cling to that “frequently” as some sign of balanced nuance, but I don’t. I pretty well hate the government of Iran too, but I don’t write articles equating them with savages, because that would be…well…stupid. Any thoughtful analysis of Iran notes that the clerics are NOT a monolithic group, and that part of this crisis shows the fractures within the leadership coming to light. 

Obama is very much a crucial part of this article. The gist I got is that the mullahs are crazy, and Obama is a pussy to use the language he’s used. Doesn’t like the use of “Supreme Leader” or “the Islamic republic.” Hitchens says that Obama used the “wrong” Martin Luther King Jr. to deplore the repression in Iran. Isn’t that a little mind police-ish? Orwell matters.

The truth is that Obama cited the Supreme Leader when it was still a clever tactic to highlight Khamenei’s supposed concern over the tally. He stresses the Islamic republic because ALL sides see themselves as heirs to the legacy of 1979. The opposition shouts Allah-o Akbar from the rooftops. Hitchens doesn’t really have any positive suggestions, just scorn for all things religious. If Obama took his advice he’d be a fool.

This article does drone on for a bit about the Iranian perceptions towards Britain, but once we get to the three points in the middle, he’s really cooking. Any article with bullet points is about the bullets. Bullet number one:

There is nothing at all that any Western country can do to avoid the charge of intervening in Iran’s internal affairs. The deep belief that everything—especially anything in English—is already and by definition an intervention is part of the very identity and ideology of the theocracy.

Gee, what does this pertain to? Is there someone who is using measured language about Iran so as not to appear meddlesome?
Point three is a straw man about how if people listened to writers and poets and not to only the clerics to gauge the mood in Iran, they wouldn’t have been so surprised about the events unfolding. Speaking as someone who had a floating five dollar bet that there would be revolution in Iran, I don’t recall Hitchens predicting this uprising based on some poem he’d read. 

I don’t equate CH with the right-wingers because he’s bucking a liberal, though Obama’s response would have probably been the same had he been a Republican. I suspicion his more overheated drumbeats because he’s been a warmonger. I like some of his writing, when he’s calm, but here, he’s just saying he deplores the bad guys more than everyone else, and I don’t think that passes for a real idea.

–Dan Kilian
My Secret Life as an Iranian Proxy Server
Tucker Carlson