The Supreme Facts On Sotomayor

President Obama has selected Sonia Sotomayor to replace retiring Justice David Souter on the Supreme Court. Here are some facts about the new nominee.

If confirmed, Sotomayor will be the first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice. If the highest Hispanic in the Justice Department, Alberto Gonzales, is any indication, she should be a White House stooge who politicizes the bench, and prove a corrupt embarrassment.

She’s already had a prototype Beanie Baby designed and ready for marketing to child fans of the Supreme Court.

She was called “baseball’s savior” when as a judge she overturned the widely criticized law making baseball illegal.

She has the quality of “empathy” which Obama indicated was a key quality he was seeking in an appointee. Conservatives contend that “empathy” is a codeword for judicial activism, but Obama really is seeking someone who can infuse oneself with the experience of others. Sotomayor actually has the ability to read people’s emotions from a distance of up to twelve feet, even through walls. She is often heard saying to herself, “So much paiiiiin…”

She has webbed feet, but doesn’t know how to swim.

She is hypoallergenic, so she can play with Sasha and Malia.

The name Sotomayor literally translates into “therefore, towards, is allowed, either.” It is thought that President Obama’s fondness for prepositions* may have been a tipping factor in the decision to tap Sotomayor for the post.

–Dan Kilian

*I have no idea whether the words “so”; “to”; “may” and “or” are prepositions, but I think they may be. I bet you don’t know either. Grammar is a dying science!

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