Terminator: No Salvation

As he walks down the ash strewn remains of Sacramento, fires rage. His square, Austrian jowls clench in something like disgust. His muscles are still evident, even in a soiled Armani suit, but he is powerless. “Come with me if you want to live,” he mutters, but he is alone.

An explosion rocks the boulevard. “Boy, once the state funding dries up and the money is gone and such, everything really falls apart and stuff.” he muses. “It is tarrable.”

He looks up at a giant robot. A billboard for the new movie. Why did he go into politics? What kind of state constitution requires a two thirds majority AND a public referendum just to balance the budget?

“I came to America for the democracy and the money and the women and the opportunities and so on, but now I find that democracy is all just a bunch of spoiled idiots who don’t know what’s good for them.”

“Arnold!”

He turns to see a large naked man wearing sunglasses walking purposefully towards him.

Arnold experiences a certain deja vu. “Are you from the future?”

The man takes off his sunglasses. “No. But I could make your future.”

“By Crom! You’re William Shatner!”

“Yes! And we, you and I, we’re in the same…ship, if you will.”

“Why are you naked?”

“It’s been a long night. Listen, we both got screwed by our own franchizes. We’ve both got movies out, movies which would be sequels to bupkiss without us, and why aren’t we IN them?”

“Naa, I have a digital cameo in the new Tarminator!”

“Is that what you lifted all those weights for, all you worked for? A disfunctional state government and a digital cameo?”

“Naa.”

“So let Gavin Newsom try and clean up this disaster, and come work with me on this script idea. Kirk and the original terminator team up and fight evil Vulcans!”

“Both our characters are dead.”

“Spock came back from the dead at least six times, and you’re a Goddamn robot! They can make anything happen, if the price is right. Now: Kirk is sucked into some vortex that makes him come back to life, and it takes him back in time before the Vulcans were friendly, just as the Terminator is going forward in time! They meet in the middle, and kick ass or something. It’s perfect.”

“I don’t know and stuff…”

“Well, I’ve also got a Boston Legal movie treatment I’m working on. You can be the robot lawyer who’s good at contract law or something.”

“That sounds good and something. Let’s do lunch.”

“Okay, but it’s on you.”

Arnold scans the devastation around them. “I don’t don’t know if I have the budget for lunch.”

“We’ll work something out.”

“I guess…”

The muscle-bound Governor and the fat drunken nudist shake hands. The present is in tatters; they will have to make their own future.

–Dan Kilian
The New Star Trek
The Old Star Trek
Michael J. Fox’s Bad Day

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