Ways to Avoid Swine Flu

With the swine flu outbreak reaching pandemicamonium, it’s time to start freaking out. How are you going to stay uninfected? Who is a secret carrier, just waiting to infect you? Is it Endtimes, again? The answer to all these questions is yes. Now here are some tips to get you through this global pandemicalypse.
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Wash your hands.
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Washing your hands is the best weapon in the war against swine flu. You might say, isn’t a handgun or a knife more of a “weapon” than an act of hygiene? Well, there are tales from ancient China of martial artists who used a ritualistic hand washing technique which could kill ten men in a single washing. Of course, we’re trying to save lives, not end them. So just focus on washing your hands, repeatedly, several times an hour, until they are chaffed and bleeding. And yeah, you’d better get a gun or knife too.

Beware of strangers.

The best way to avoid getting a disease from another person is to avoid other people. Hole up in your apartment or home. Order in food, but don’t open the door; shove the money through the mail slot. Develop strange conspiracy theories. Start talking to yourself. Assemble explosive devices.

Don’t have sex with actual swine.

We don’t want to blame the poor pigs for everything (birds and people are involved in the creation of this pathogen, so it had to be a pretty freaky genesis.) but this is just common sense advice. Why risk it? Interestingly enough, health officials (There are two of them at the federal level, two highly stressed low level clerks.) say it’s fine to eat cooked pork. As a precaution, however, don’t have sex with a pork chop.

Befriend some corny psychics.

You will need to have these people on your side, as you prepare for The Battle. You’ll all start to feel each others’s exposition and you’ll hear each other’s thoughts in italics. If you all have visions of a sweet old woman rocking on her porch, you’re the forces of good. If it’s a dark scary man with horns on his head, well, you figure it out. It’ll go on far too long building to an anticlimax and the epilogue will be long and tedious too.

No one shall be spared.

Remember, even if you elude the flu or shake off its symptoms, something else is coming. You might die with lungs full of phlegm, or in a violent crash. Puncture, disease or nuclear fire, something will disrupt your body’s systems, and it’s functions shall cease. Then either judgment or oblivion awaits you. Are you prepared? If not, look out for an upcoming post: Shufflin’ Off! Six Ways To Prepare Your Mortal Coil For The Big D!

Did I mention washing your hands?

Yep, I did. Looks like we’re done!

–Dan Kilian

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