The Facts About Modern Day Pirates

Pirates are once again in the news. What, you thought pirates were a phenomenon of the 17th Century? What do you live under a rock? Seriously, don’t you watch the news? Somali pirates, hijacking boats, sharpshooters, that captain with the beard? Nothing? Well then you need to know about MODERN DAY PIRATES!Even if you know about Somali pirates you might be wondering how wild lawless men can take to the high seas and challenge the right of world powers to overseas commerce. Here is a breakdown of how the pirates do it.

Start with a failed state.

Somalia is what is known a failed state. Every four years, third world nations take what is known as The National Exam, and the pressure can be great. Test scores can determine whether a country can get into the College of Nations or whether they will end up working in the local factory, just like dad. If a nation fails, chaos breaks out, and warlords roam the land, seizing power. It sounds pretty cool but it’s not. In this state of lawlessness and poverty, desperate young men will seize whatever opportunity they can grasp to gain a higher station in life. Since the state is cramming for a make-up test, there are many ports that pirates can slip in and out of to conduct their raids with impunity. Note: If you’re in a landlocked failed nation, such as Zimbabwe, it will still be difficult to become a pirate of the seas. Go for one with a coastline.

Get a boat.

Some young toughs steal a small rowboat or motorboat to start on their journey of seaboard larceny. Some might fashion a small raft together by roping together discarded automobile parts. Once such a creation sinks into the water, these would be pirates probably go back to the idea of stealing a seaworthy craft.

Trade up.

Modern day pirates use their small boats to quickly attack a larger vessel, perhaps a speedboat. Then they move on to successively larger boats, like yachts, cruise ships and cargo ships. With each new boat, the older boat is sold to pay off the original investors. Their profits inspire more investors, and the pyramid continues to grow. Of course, this is an unstable financial model.

Steal stuff, kidnap people.

Also, kidnap stuff and steal people. I think I’m obligated at this time to mention Blackbeard, Captain Hook and of course, Captain Jack Sparrow. Boy did that movie suck in the sequels. It was kind of like the Matrix that way. Which is an interesting segue because the next step of being a modern day pirate is…

Nerf the Matrix

Nerf the Matrix baby! Okay, I’m starting to run out of things to say about modern day pirates. Umm…Al Qaeda. They’re gonna go pirate next. Someone said that. Probably just making stuff up, since it’s not like Al Qaeda’s talking to them about their future plans. Weren’t they going to start shooting people when that Washington sniper was killing people? Remember the Washington sniper? It was really a couple of dudes, older guy and a younger guy. I heard that black people don’t like the word dude, probably because you only seem to say it about black people, and these guys were black. An insidious thing, racism. Which brings us back to…Nerf the Matrix, baby!

Nerf the Matrix

That’s right, I said it again! Nerf the Matrix gets two blurbs! I mean, you can’t really put “dude” in there with other racist terms, but there it is, kind of bringing racism back. Kind of interesting how the Washington sniper was a black guy, and the usual profile for those serial killers is that it’s a white guy. One more barrier broken. One more person Obama didn’t thank. Bo the dog is super cute! Nerf the Matrix and a bottle of rum!

Yo ho!

–Dan Kilian

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