Archive for April, 2009

Celebrity Farts

Posted in Comedy on April 30, 2009 by klogtheblog

Angelina Jolie: Thhhhhhhit thit. thit-thit-thit-thit-thit

Hugh Jackman: Frut. Froof! Froughhhh…

Madonna: Myiph. Myiiiiiiiiiiiiph. Myip myip rriphirriphliphiphloop.

Mick Jagger: PHlubbblebleblebleugh! PHHHLough.

Bill Gates: Thhhhhhhhhyeeeeeee…eeeeee…

Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Hrough. Phlough. Phloophlough. PHLOPH!

Mike Tyson: Hubbleghough! Phrrrroooghlegouph! Phhhhhhyough!

Bob Dylan: THIZiizzzith… …thzzzziithisss…ssss…

Sean Connery: MPHRROOOT! MPHROP opop op op OP! MPHROOOOMPH!

Brittany Spears: Puph uph uph. Pwwimph!

Barak Obama: Phooooo… …ooph.

Child Star: PHWAPH! Ha ha ha! PHOMPH! HA HA HA! PHOOPH! HAHA HA HAHA HA HAHA HA HAHAHA HAHA HA HAHA HA HAHA HA!

–Dan Kilian
Author’s note I: This was a lot funnier spoken. Try reading it aloud.
Author’s note II: I put a lot of thought into this. Hope you appreciate it.

Sesame Street

Little Known Facts about Lincoln



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Birthday Cake Balloon

Posted in Fiction on April 29, 2009 by klogtheblog

I bought you a birthday cake balloon. The fire lifted us high above the hillside, its many candles roaring into the mouth of the swollen canvas. We looked down on our domain. Disneyland castles and parades of parades. Banners streamed into sailboats on oceans the size of puddles, sunlight splashing in them all. Angels and Valkyries battled in the clouds, spinning in the sugar.

Then our feet cracked through the stale shell of the icing, and we sank into the soft chocolate. So comforting, the cushy softness and the release of the rich chocolate smell, before the realization. The ropes (really just rubber bands from party hats) pulled free and snapped, making music in the air as it all fell apart.

A gentle “fruff” signaled the tearing apart of our little airboat, as the beautiful confection’s disc became ragged chunks, brown spongy meteors. I reached for a handful of the stuff as we fell, at first in a desperate attempt to secure purchase, and then just for the sake of the handful.

We tore through the air, cake and sugar caught in the airstreams above us. The heavenly warriors dissipated into mist; no one would catch us but the ground. I made my final efforts in the fall an attempt to steer my body towards you. Closer, closer, sweet handfuls of cake stretched out to offer you.

–Dan Kilian

Excerpt From a Conversation About Charlotte Rampling

A Dream With Sandwiches and Yellowjackets.

Ways to Avoid Swine Flu

Posted in Comedy on April 28, 2009 by klogtheblog
With the swine flu outbreak reaching pandemicamonium, it’s time to start freaking out. How are you going to stay uninfected? Who is a secret carrier, just waiting to infect you? Is it Endtimes, again? The answer to all these questions is yes. Now here are some tips to get you through this global pandemicalypse.
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Wash your hands.
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Washing your hands is the best weapon in the war against swine flu. You might say, isn’t a handgun or a knife more of a “weapon” than an act of hygiene? Well, there are tales from ancient China of martial artists who used a ritualistic hand washing technique which could kill ten men in a single washing. Of course, we’re trying to save lives, not end them. So just focus on washing your hands, repeatedly, several times an hour, until they are chaffed and bleeding. And yeah, you’d better get a gun or knife too.

Beware of strangers.

The best way to avoid getting a disease from another person is to avoid other people. Hole up in your apartment or home. Order in food, but don’t open the door; shove the money through the mail slot. Develop strange conspiracy theories. Start talking to yourself. Assemble explosive devices.

Don’t have sex with actual swine.

We don’t want to blame the poor pigs for everything (birds and people are involved in the creation of this pathogen, so it had to be a pretty freaky genesis.) but this is just common sense advice. Why risk it? Interestingly enough, health officials (There are two of them at the federal level, two highly stressed low level clerks.) say it’s fine to eat cooked pork. As a precaution, however, don’t have sex with a pork chop.

Befriend some corny psychics.

You will need to have these people on your side, as you prepare for The Battle. You’ll all start to feel each others’s exposition and you’ll hear each other’s thoughts in italics. If you all have visions of a sweet old woman rocking on her porch, you’re the forces of good. If it’s a dark scary man with horns on his head, well, you figure it out. It’ll go on far too long building to an anticlimax and the epilogue will be long and tedious too.

No one shall be spared.

Remember, even if you elude the flu or shake off its symptoms, something else is coming. You might die with lungs full of phlegm, or in a violent crash. Puncture, disease or nuclear fire, something will disrupt your body’s systems, and it’s functions shall cease. Then either judgment or oblivion awaits you. Are you prepared? If not, look out for an upcoming post: Shufflin’ Off! Six Ways To Prepare Your Mortal Coil For The Big D!

Did I mention washing your hands?

Yep, I did. Looks like we’re done!

–Dan Kilian

The Facts About Modern Day Pirates

Reasons To Hope For Our Economy


Environmental Anniversary Proposal: Day-After-Earthday.

Posted in All things political, Comedy on April 27, 2009 by klogtheblog

As “Fat Tuesday” provides a feast before Lent, “Day-After-Earthday” will provide a much-needed binge of environmentally hazardous behavior after Earthday. The environmentally minded will make a pilgrimage in SUVs (one to a car, please) tossing a stream of litter on the highways as they make their way to the beach, where they shall hunt dolphins, bludgeoning them to death with empty plastic water bottles that they do not refill.

After that it’s time to shop at the mall (Don’t forget to get a plastic bag for that purchase!) and have dinner at the drive through parking lot with the motor running. Then a typical Day-After-Earthday Celebrant might wind down the night reading a good book by a non-florescent light bulb. Just before bed, the new tradition will be to kill a panda.

Indulging in this way will be crucial to the Green Movement. For how will people ever become environmentally conscious if they aren’t plagued by monstrous guilt? Of course, there is the chance that people will acquire a taste for this destructive behavior, and therefore doom our planet. That’s okay too. Because if our appetites destroy our world, EVERY day will be Day-After-Earth Day!

–Dan Kilian
Bed Stuy Meadow
Good Vs. Evil

The Last Reality Show

Posted in Comedy, Fiction, Kuisine on April 26, 2009 by klogtheblog
Of course, the GenBoom phenomenon started on reality television, (specifically on the Elle Fanning vehicle Money Sex & Bugs) it quickly took on a momentum of it’s own. Reality shows (The time of reality television already a thing of the past, though the term TV was still thrown about loosely about anything seen on a screen.) started featuring Gen Boom moments as a regular staple, but once vehicles were developed that showed that pure GenBoom material could sustain a greater audience, the days for Reality programming were numbered.Everyone knows that the former martial artist Wang Kar Wei was the first person to shoot his genitals off on a major program (Though there had been reports of this sort of entertainment as part of the Far-East sex tours.), but it is hard to imagine today how shocking this was at the time. Once his act was echoed in frequent and more explosive imitations, it quickly became commonplace.

As biotech caught up with entertainment, performers were able to replace their genitals with the new supergrafts, allowing for repeat performances. Thus an old form of entertainer was reintroduced: The Eunuch.

The fall of the reality shows, once so popular and violent that the surviving nation states and international consortiums had to coordinate their wars with the reality programmers, was sudden and dramatic. Consolidation was the only answer. Consolidation and cannibalism.

Fighting for market share led to physical attack, as fan-soldiers invaded soundstages and location sites, holding mass executions as the proceedings were filmed by both the conquerors and the conquered. Survivors were drafted into the remaining shows as slaves. Distinctions between formats quickly became meaningless, as the combat related shows took over all else. Aspects of the other types of competition, especially sex and cooking, retained a prominence in the new shows. The Eunuchs were spared due to their popularity and relative rareness (even today, it takes a certain type of person to destroy their genitals.) though they were still fleeing reality programming for the GenBoom shows in droves.

Finally, in a bow to, well, reality, the final show to conquor all others, originally titled Live With This! was changed to Reality. Having taken out all the other shows, the final conflict arose between the armies of Gerry “The Viking” Öordst and Chef Hannibal Dankmar. Each program featured a cavalcade of genital explosions, executions and a new recipe from each of the principals.

The Viking Öordst’s trademark move was to plunge his fingers into the orifices of an opponent’s face as though they were the holes of a bowling ball, tearing either the face or the entire head from the body. Chef Dankmar could slit a victim’s throat, clean the knife and fine dice an onion in under thirteen seconds. Of course most of the actual fighting took place amongst the fan base, but show executions drove that mass violence. Most independent critic’s felt The Chef’s elaborately brocaded aprons bested The Viking’s costume Nordic gear, but independent criticism didn’t exist in reality programming.

Both players and their advisors spent much documented time seeking nuclear weapons, but after the loss of Madrid on the final episode of El Blammo, the nation states, international consortiums and the league of Eunuchs had fashioned a successful containment of the world’s nuclear arsenal. So conventional warfare, sex and cooking had to do.

Eventually it became clear, even through the filter of reality programming news, that The Viking was dominating the fields of war, and that the Chef had been forced into a guerrilla resistance. This stalemate affected market shares detrimentally, and Reality, along with the wars it continues to spawn, has been pushed to the back burner.

There The Viking and The Chef (and any lucky usurpers who might assassinate them) wait for the GenBoom mania to fade. They retain the manpower, armaments, porn stars and recipes to have a devastating impact on the world stage. They just lack the ratings.

–Dan Kilian

Top Trek: A Pan Fiction!

From Space to Destroy

Chris Tucker on Jackie Chan

Posted in All things political, Comedy on April 25, 2009 by klogtheblog
Defending Jackie
By Chris Tucker
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It’s time for me to stand up for a friend. Jackie Chan, my good friend and co-star in the Rush Hour series of movies (We have made twelve of these films together, having released five in the West to date.) has drawn criticism for statements that imply or directly say that the Chinese people need to be controlled. 

Now first off, this is a good man with a good heart. He has entertained millions and is a true innovator in martial arts cinema. He is not a politician. To take this beloved figure and tarnish with political cheap shots does not show the appreciation this artist deserves.

Even if Jackie wasn’t taken out of context, or misunderstood (The guy’s gotten better, but he’s not the world’s greatest English language speaker.) let’s consider what he is reported to have said. “I’m gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we’re not being controlled, we’ll just do what we want.” Now this isn’t the American way, but it sure as hell is the Chinese way. He’s just saying what is the popular point of view in his adopted home country. You might not hear it so crudely from any of the popular Chinese leadership, but China’s most likely going to stay pretty highly controlled, and they’re calling the shots these days, freedom or no.

So even if people disagree with what my man Jackie said, you have to defend his right to hold a point of view. THAT’s freedom. If everyone had the same point of view, none our supposed freedom would mean diddley. We have to tolerate a wide range of ideas.

For instance, some might find it odd that I, as a black man, feel that slavery was good for black people. It might have been a tough transition, but it brought us to America, and now we’re the coolest people in the world. We brought the world the Blues, Jazz, Rock and Hip Hop, which we wouldn’t have done than banging on a bongo. Would I be starring in movies today if I’d grown up in Africa? Doesn’t Rush Hour I-XII mean slavery was worth it? I know it was for me.

So don’t deride a man just because he believes something different than you. Celebrate the differences! That’s what America’s about, and if that’s not what China’s about, don’t live there, unless you have to. Leave my man Jackie alone!

–Chris Tucker as posted by Dan Kilian

Chronicles (Excerpts) by Bob Dylan

Remember Bobby Jindal?

The Billion Dollar Omelet Part II

Posted in Fiction on April 24, 2009 by klogtheblog

Secretary Ahmat Burkai Anumi the Minister of Tourism Development of the Government of The Republic of Chad sat in chair next to a desk in a tiny office at the Ministry. There was a shelf filled with paperwork and a large poster reading, in English, “Chad, a world away from the world!” His handler stood at his side and there were two other empty chairs. On the desk was a briefcase of money. That was not an altogether unfamiliar situation for Mr. Anumi; what was odd was that the money was not for him.

Two gentlemen were escorted in. One was tall, pale, with receding hair cut to a stubble. The other was a small stooped, gnomish man with wire-rimmed glasses and a thick white beard. The small man was carrying a briefcase.

“Professor Chimes?”

“Yes. This is my associate, Mr. Vespers. Mr. Vespers, Mr. Anumi.”

“Pleased to meet you, Mr. Vespers.”

Mr. Vespers had a very smooth face; it certainly did not look as though it had been lined by too many smiles. He did not attempt one now. “Pleased to see you alive, Secretary Anumi. There have been…counteroffers. I feared for your life, as well as ours. Our price has gone up.”

“So you are negotiating for the both of you?”

Professor Chimes winced. “Mr. Vespers and I have become full partners in this venture.”

“Very well. I have anticipated the increase. I heard about your exploits.”

Mr. Vespers squinted at Anumi. “Word does get around.”

“Here is your money.”

Chimes gently placed his suitcase on the desk. “Here is your product.”

Vespers opened the briefcase of money, scanned the stacks of bills. “We of course have duplicate DNA kept with another associate. If we disappear or have any trouble leaving the country, it goes to some very interested parties who would like to produce the product on the Black Market.”

“It cannot be so easy to grow them?”

“Easier than you think.”

With that, the transaction was accomplished. Vespers and Chimes were excorted to the lobby, where eleven masked men carrying rifles were shooting a number of Ministry of Tourism Development security guards.

Gunplay ensued…
–Dan Kilian

The Billion Dollar Omelet Part I

Mr. Bingles