Dan’s Almost Daily Musings

These cute little attempts at George Carlinism first appeared on the great FreeWilliamsburg.com.

I’ll sue you.

Issues? I’ve got the whole subscription.

Never procrastinate finishing a

Familiarity breeds.

Butter is fat that has learned to dance.

Too tired to sleep. Too wired to wake up.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what you can put off forever.

Don’t second-guess yourself. Unless maybe you should.

Adequate is inadequate.

Our greatest vice is advice.

Sure, everybody’s got big plans, until they learn they can have orgasms.

Punk Rock is for Hippies.

Since they use sex to sell everything, the only pure thing is porn.

Television and toilets. Screw the past.

Mp3 is the MTV of the Y2K’s.

Remember, you aren’t worthless. You just aren’t very worthwhile.

Life IS fair. Everybody dies.

Quit blaming everybody else. Find just one person to blame.

Tuesdays are the February of the week.

Clone the mammoth!

Put the cocaine back in coke!

Refinement is confinement.

We are on the cusp of a bold new age, which will view us as savages. Thanks a lot, future.

Stick up for yourself; sometimes you won’t be crushed.

Pigs must dig for the truffles.

Rats will reveal themselves.

Microsoft controls our grammar and spelling.

All actions are distractions.

A smart dumb guy beats a dumb smart guy every time.

If God had wanted us to fly he would have given us big brains to figure things out.

@? Why abbreviate at?

At some point, you’ve got to take down the Christmas lights.

“April is the cruelest month,” but boy does February suck too.

Your wings don’t make you an angel when you’re really a crow.

Death makes Noel Coward of us all.

Alligator wrestling is mostly fake, but that one lucky bite makes the whole industry worth it.

Why not designer circumcisions?

Legalize gay marriage, or there will be a great temptation for gays to engage in premarital sex.

Diner waitress to Attila: “Here’s your coffee, Hun.”

To be honest, there are quite a few similarities between apples and oranges.

If you ever really “busted a gut” laughing, you’d probably stop laughing and start screaming and crying and have to go to the hospital or something.

They say a billion monkeys typing forever will come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. That’s exactly what happened.

No one wants to walk in your moccasins, little Indian.

It’s hard being a reform snake handler.

Don’t weep for movie stars.

Hands are pretty cool, until you realize they look like crabs.

What’s a one-legged Scotsman’s favorite game? Hopscotch.

Retro is done.

–Dan Kilian
Masturbation
Charlotte Rampling

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