Reasons To Hope For Our Economy
If you’re all hysterical and think we’re just going to go off a cliff, that the nation will never return to its former glory, or if you think we’ll just replicate Japan’s lost decade or even the long cruel walk back from the Great Depression, you’re a negative douche. However, your dreary view makes any gradual return to upside within even a few years seem fortuitous, and it sets the bar really low for my premise.
Shovel Ready Jobs
Whatever you think of the stimulus plan, tens of billions of dollars are going into “shovel ready” construction jobs. That’s really happening, whether you think it won’t match layoffs or if you’re someone who thinks it’s irresponsible for the government fix its roads and bridges, shovels are going into the ground. Hardware stores are going to have to stock more shovels for these jobs. That means they’ll have to buy more wall pegs. Old wood lathes will be worked to the breaking point. Lathe repairmen will clean up and join the nouveau riche. Maybe if you’re lucky, a rich, drunk lathe repairman will walk buy while you’re sitting on your begging step, and throw you a dollar.
The Miracle of Hunger
Even Americans will eventually burn enough calories that they need to eat more. It’s almost impossible to eat without spending money. Unless you steal food, but guns cost money too, as do jails. The circle of spending will never come to a complete halt. At some point, people break down and buy something, which will keep grocers and gun dealers employed. They’ll either stimulate new industries with their business needs, or they’ll grow fat enough to feed those unsqueamish about cannibalism.
Shamwows and Snuggies
If people are buying stretches of recycled felt, someone’s getting rich. Maybe that guy needs a butler.
Let’s start a street language fad. When ever you mean “Bank” say “Bernanke,” as in the Fed Chairman. As in “Snap, yo! The Bernanke just foreclosed on our hizzouse!” Maybe match “Bernanke” to more contemporary “street” terminology that I’m not hip to. Even I know that no one says “Hizzouse” any more, or any of that “Z” shiznits. Everyone who’s still saying that stuff, just stop. That includes Snoop. But let’s all say Bernanke.
Did you hear about this biotech company that’s going to cure scurvy within the next two or three decades, using stem cells? Invest!
The Miracle of Planned Obsolescence
Now that we’ve all filed our CDs and shoved the files into boxes, and are listening to music as mP3s, guess what? No, they haven’t come up with a new technology to make our little digital players obsolete, not just yet. When things get better, of course, they’ll come up with some stem cells (invest! It’s the wave of the future!) that play music directly to your cochlea. Right now, everyone who joined the late wave of iPod purchases is figuring out that these little plastic devices are pieces of s— and that if you don’t want your tunes pausing every three seconds you’ve got to buy a new one. Steve Jobs will have enough money to buy all the spare bodies he needs and the black market body market will drive the economy back to health.
When things get really bad, wars break out. That’ll be in other countries, so we’ll make some cash selling weapons to both sides. Here, it’ll just be Republicans posing, so maybe the three corner hat industry will take off.
Any day between now through thanksgiving is Moneyday! Start buying presents now! I know you all saw that John Hodgeman “Emergency Christmas” on the Daily Show, but we thought of it first. What, you don’t remember last year’s Moneyday? Editor’s note: Moneyday was obviously a big success.
The Miracle of Screwing
People still get pregnant. Babies need food, clothing and iPod replacements. Get your loved one the gift that keeps on taking: get them pregnant.
Happy days are here again!