The Original Oil

John McCain has finally found an issue that resonates with the American people. We are going to drill our way our of the gas crisis. It might not actually do anything for gas prices now or in the future, but the American people want action, and action they shall have! It’s such a popular idea that Barack Obama has tepidly endorsed it as another idea he doesn’t agree with but will go along with, in classic Democratic fashion.

Drilling for oil raises a host of issues. Should we nationalize our oil fields? Should we join OPEC? Will our new status as a petro-power impact our freedoms, as it has in other petro-states? The question I’d like to pose is this: if drilling for oil is the answer to high gas prices, is there nothing more immediate we can do?

Of course there is. A great source of oil is ready for us right now, and with just a little bit of adjustment, this oil could be converted into gasoline. All we have to do is summon the will to ignore the restrictions environmentalists have been shackling us with for years. People, it’s time for us to harvest the whales.

Rather than being buried under shale beneath the ocean, this semi-plentiful oil supply is in the ocean. Before the modern oil industry began in 1859, we used whale oil to light our lamps. We never finished exploiting this resource completely, let’s modernize whale oil. It’s easy to find, and easy to kill. We could convert navy battleships into whaling vessels in no time. (Face it: most of our wars in the next few years are going to be in deserts. Let’s give the navy something to do.) Whales even wash ashore. And when this oil supply washes ashore, beaches and seaside environments aren’t destroyed. How easy is that?

We could add dolphins to the brew; they’re always turning up in fishing nets. Instead of worrying whether their tuna is dolphin safe, Chicken of the Sea can have labels emblazoned with the message “Packed in OIL.” When Barack Obama finally endorses this idea, headline writers can have fun with headlines about “The Flipper Flip-Flop.”

The underwater-tree huggers will protest that whales are an endangered species and that this initiative will wipe them out completely. Well, isn’t that what offshore oil drilling does to marine life? If we’re going to bankrupt our oceans, let’s really go for it. We’re fishing our oceans clean anyway; it might as well be for something productive. And think of all the innocent krill we’d be protecting!

Some will say that processing whale oil won’t have any effect on the large global oil market and can produce only a pittance of oil, not nearly enough to lower our gas prices. But when people are hurting at the pump, we need action, not logic. Some might think that in a world of declining resources and increasing greenhouse gases, trying to find new sources of carbon-based fuels is a folly, a fool’s quest as self-destructive as Ahab’s quest for Moby-Dick. Maybe so, but there’s black gold in that white whale!

–Dan Kilian

This is being posted as a document reclamation project. Don’t worry, the election is over.
—————————————————- Trillion Dollar Debt
—————————————————- Finding Bottom
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