Islamic Fascism and Its Ilk

Islamic Fascism and Its Ilk
Excerpt from a speech given by George W. Bush
to The Association of Veteran War EnthusiastsToday our nation is at war. We are fighting this war on many fronts. Our enemy has a name. That name is Islamic Fascism. Now, there are a lot of other names, names our enemies actually call themselves, which might be more accurate, but we prefer to lump them all together under this name, so we don’t have to change a lot of headings in our word documents each we go into a country.

The main front in that war is Iraq. I know the American’s are seeing some horrible sights on their televisions, and the death toll is going up again for our brave soldiers, so some question whether we’re on the right track in Iraq. I say that we’re right to take the battle to the enemy. Even if it’s the wrong enemy, we’re taking the battle there. What the media elite don’t tell you is that all those soldiers who have died this month would eventually have died anyway. The Democrats want us to Cut and Run. They want us to set a timetable for leaving. You can’t set a timetable; that’s what our enemies want. We’re not going to even set a timetable when we actually leave. It’ll be a big surprise to everyone, even us. It’s called The Rapture.

Some might say, “What was so Islamic about Saddam Hussein? Wasn’t he more of a Stalinist, cult-of-personality type fascist?” That’s perfectly true. That’s why he had to be taken out. He represented the enemy of the 20th Century, which we have now replaced with the enemy of the 21st Century. Islamic Fascism.

Some might point out that extremist Sunnis are fighting extremist Shiites throughout Iraq. Some might wonder how I can call our enemy “Islamic Fascism” when the reality is more complex, and requires a more sophisticated breakdown. Well, it is complicated, and it’s hard work, which is why we need to define it simplistically, to make it easier. See, the Sunnis are full of Al Queda types, which makes them Islamic Fascists; even the one’s who just want power and oil. The Shiites are highly influenced by Iran. Now Iran is run by Islamic Nazis. Their leader, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is like an Islamic Hitler, only with oil. The Kurds are like Francoists or something. The key is to get the Fascists and Nazis together in a unity government, so Democracy can flower.

I’m very glad to have the help of many allies throughout the Middle-East; even those some would say are dictators themselves. See, it’s complicated. There’s good fascism and bad fascism, which is Islamic Fascism. Now, we’ve got no problem with Pakistan’s President Pervez Musharraf. He’s a good old fashioned Military Fascist. And the Saudi Princes, they’re Monarchists, which is just adorable, you’ve got to admit. Hosni Mubarak, I think, is some kind of Pharaoh. American’s love Pharaohs. Heck, we’ve got a pyramid on the back of our dollar bills, with a big eyeball on it. It’s pretty freaky. Reminds me of Sauron.

But I digress. My point is that with all these bad players we’re fighting and embracing, it’s good to know who our enemies are, so a sweeping label comes in handy. Because we can’t win this fight militarily. We’ve got to win the hearts and minds of the Muslim people, and that we can only do militarily. We’ve got to use our influence to evolve this region into a more tolerant, egalitarian, democratic place, or we will simply be breeding more Islamic Fascists. Nothing evolves a region like the hand of a creationist God, I always say.

Speaking of God, just because people worship the wrong god doesn’t make them evildoers, per say. Islam is a good and noble religion and one conducive to Democracy, which is why we through the word “Islamic” into our catchall tag for our enemies, to help the good Islamists to differentiate. Some might think that people in the Middle East aren’t ready for Democracy but I think that they are ready, whether they’re ready or not.

Five years after 9/11, let us never forget that the enemy that attacked us that fateful and opportunity filled day seek with all their heart to strike us again. Let us remember that enemy, not specifically, as some bane of ours living in Pakistan, but as part of the broader war against a vaguer enemy, one we can place wherever we want and defeat, at least until the time when we no longer want to think about the misery we have created. Remember, we may have created a horror in Iraq, but that horror abroad is fighting terror at home.

Good night, and God bless The Association of Veteran War Enthusiasts and God bless The United States America.

–Dan Kilian
This is being posted as a document reclamation project. Don’t worry, George W. Bush is no longer President.
———————————————– Finding The Bottom
———————————————– Bobby Jindal
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