Eye Opening Provisions of the Obama Budget

CEO’s of Banks who receive bailout money won’t be allowed to ride on fancy private jets anymore.

$35 Billion to prop up the ailing private jet industry.

In an attempt to split the conservatives, there’s $15 million funding research on making guns from stem cells.

Not only is the cost for the war in Afghanistan and Iraq now on the books, also factored in are the current and future engagements in Pakistan, Mexico, The Balkans and Greenland.

While most of the costs for the healthcare down payment will fall on the richest 1% of us, half the cost of the next GM bailout will be borne by five guys in Hawaii that Obama never liked.

Bernanke’s beard is to be auctioned to the highest bidder.

Vague optimistic language such as “$250 billion of growth will come from some bubble or something.”

In an effort to achieve “transparency” the first version of the budget was printed on film for overhead projectors.

Not only has the ban on photographing the caskets of dead soldiers returning from the wars been lifted, but this budget expects to generate $20 Billion in revenues from the sale of prints of dead soldier’s caskets on posters, T-shirts and mugs.

The government will buy up all the assets of the numerous insurers who, through a complicated process of risk allocation, indemnified Gene Simmons’s surprisingly accident prone and disease ridden tongue.

In a move counter to the prevailing winds of nationalization and big government programs, The FBI’s secret “Crack for The Inner City Program” goes on the books and will be privatized, generating taxable revenues. Also, a new drug, “StraXX” goes on the market with a sleek new delivery system and clear blue liquid base.

To fight the inevitability of global warming, 50 million is being spent attempting to reopen the hole in the ozone layer, so that having less dreadful environmental issues might tone down the overall sense of doom.

Some obvious steps that make total common sense in saving tons of money from Social Security will be vaguely alluded to in 2011, in the hopes that something might be done about them ten years down the road.

$225 million to pay guys to walk around in public and shout into their cell phones, “Buy! Buy! Buy!”

$110 million to pay guys to walk around in public and shout “Buy! Buy! Buy!” into megaphones.

–Dan Kilian

Signs We’re In A New Depression

When Will We Find The Bottom?

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