When Will We Find The Bottom?

Whether you’re on the dole or just scared for your job, everybody is reeling from our economic woes. The signs are bad, the mood is gloomy, and prospects are few. If the only thing we have to fear is “fear itself,” it turns out that fear kicks ass pretty severely.
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Still, things will eventually get better. Confidence shall return and we shall have a recovery. If it happens within two years, Obama wins. If it takes longer, cannibalism wins. The two questions are: when do we turn the corner, and where is the bottom? How will we know when we’ve seen the worst?
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We shall have hit the bottom WHEN:

Houses in North Carolina and Pennsylvania cost as much to build as they do on North Carolina Avenue and Pennsylvania Avenue on the Monopoly board. (And by the way, green is the best monopoly; no one ever lands on Park Place.)

The Obama administration scraps its idea of creating a “bad bank” to absorb toxic assets in favor of an “absolutely horrible, rankly evil bank.”

Homeless guys get their hand-outs capped at twenty-five cents.

People switch back to landlines from cell phones, even when they don’t have a home.

Professional toilet lickers are just happy to have a job.

The Secret Ingredient on Iron Chef is…SHOE!

GM officially goes green when its entire workforce can share the same car for their commute—and living quarters.

Newspapers, publishing houses, refrigerator magnet makers, all industries that spread those confusing and dispiriting “words” are run out of business.

Songs can be bought for a song.

Tom Friedman develops a perfect recycling regime, allowing him to use the same four paragraphs for a column, three T.V. interviews, pillow talk and a book.

New Yorker cartoons featuring a blind guy selling pencils are funny again.

Pickpockets start stealing actual pockets, for the valuable pocket making materials.

Things will get better. While the global economy can exacerbate our problems, eventually it will help us. Once the Seppuku craze on Wall Street stimulates Japan’s export levels things may turn around. The Jonas Brothers should be brutally murdered and their remains set on fire. (This won’t actually affect our economy, but we should do it anyway, right?) Tim Geithner will be sacrificed to the volcano and the gods will be appeased. The bottom is coming. Climb up on it.
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–Dan Kilian
The New Depression
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