Signs We’re In A New Depression

Top 100 lists have been slashed to 25 things.

Cats are distributed in smaller “kitten” form.

People no longer order escargot, opting instead for slugs.

The dark horse candidate for next year’s Best Picture Oscar is “Slumdog Poor Person.”

Cereal is now sold by the flake.

Many signs of the Apocalypse (which is imminent, by the way) are confused for economic indicators.

The toy surprise in a box of Cracker Jack is now made of popcorn.

We’re noticing a lot of great deals on whores.

Desperate citizens and small businesses are now filing Chapter 39, a deadly combination of Chapters 11, 13 and 15.

Speaking of chapters, publishing houses have come up with a new edition of Don Quixote that is only one chapter long, the one people actually read before they give up. It’s the one with the windmills.

Even Zombies can’t be as choosy as they used to be, eating whatever human flesh they can get, and no longer dining exclusively on the choice braiiins.

Jazz is starting to sound good again.

Young men go to singles bars to try and get laid off. That doesn’t really make any sense and yet that’s what’s going on I tell you!

Aging actresses no longer get horrible plastic surgery operations, and are instead donning hideous masks.

Shantytown residents are facing foreclosure, driving down the property values of the surrounding cardboard boxes.

The Fed is financing the acquisition of Pyramid schemes by Ponzi schemes before the Pyramid schemes have to declare bankruptcy. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but they’ve learned from the collapse of the Three Card Monte.

Cartoons are now in black and white, and are all elaborate song and dance numbers.

Muppets are being replaced with puppets.

Atlantic City has become a grim town full of seedy stores and casinos.

Instead of dinner and a movie, the new “classic” date involves going hungry and wailing in misery.

–Dan Kilian

Financial Imagination

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4 Responses to “Signs We’re In A New Depression”

  1. jonmossberg Says:

    Terribly terribly clever.

  2. […] 17, 2009 A really funny list of signs we’re in a new depression penned by my bandmate Dan Killian of The Ks. This is from months ago, but I just now discovered it […]

  3. […] Kilian The New Depression Economic Hope Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)Presidential Memo: From President […]

  4. […] volcano and the gods will be appeased. The bottom is coming. Climb up on it. * –Dan Kilian The New Depression Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)One Step Forward, Two Steps […]

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