Tips for landing a job

Look over your resume one more time. 

I know you wrote it and rewrote it and revised it all last year. Give it one more look. Is there some awkward spacing? Does it somehow go one line into a second page? Is there a clump of Xs where you meant to look up some skill or job you couldn’t remember? Have you really been sending out a flubbed resume all this time? Shouldn’t you have a lot better experience and more skills by now? Make sure all your tenses are consistent. Where it says “-Present,” substitute “-2007.” Yes, you’ve been unemployed for over a year now.

Rewrite your introductory letter every time.

Resist the urge to cut and paste your letter. Read the job postings requirement, and then address those needs as skills in your letter. Think of it as the first job you’ll be doing for this company, but don’t bill them for time worked until after you have the job. Show how you’re the ideal candidate for this specific job, even if you’d really rather be doing something else. Show how you stand apart from the field, only don’t betray any actual human aspect of yourself.

Here are some words and phrases to avoid during a job interview.

“No.”

“What do you think?”

“That’s stupid.”

“I’ll show them. I’ll show them all.”

“Who’s laughing now?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

Here are some words and phrases to use during a job interview.

“Yes!”

“I can do that!”

“I like temping! It fits in with my schedule!”

“Can I take the typing test again?”

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

“I’ll suck your dick. Right here in this conference room. I’ll suck you off like you’ve never been sucked, every day if you just give me this lousy job.”

Write that novel you’ve always dreamt of writing. 

You’ve got time now. Let your creative juices flow! What, no novel? Of course you don’t have a novel. If it was in you, you would have already written it, job or no job. All your talk of an artistic life was just the pipe dreams of a pretentious prima donna. Now get back to work getting a job.

Use those negative feelings to your advantage.

Face it. You really are worthless. You’re of no value to society; in fact, you’re a drain. Do you have a wife and family? You can’t even provide for them. The world would be better off without you. You really should consider killing yourself.

Consider killing yourself. 

Regardless of whatever Dorothy Parker might have said, the only way to waste yourself that’s worth a damn is to blow your brains out. If you had a gun, you’d be holding up convenience stores by now. So you can’t afford to go out with a proper bang. Get a job.

Accept the Stave of Power. 

You’ve been holding off looking directly at that image of Carolyn Corcetti, the girl you loved in second grade. She keeps hovering in your peripheral vision. You instinctively know that to acknowledge her means madness. Give in. She carries the gifts which will make you invincible and free you from your needs. Once you have taken the gift you will be free to spread your disturbing message to the others and set them all free. Yes, there will be some discomfort living on the street, but as your mind degenerates you will become too gone to even understand. Finally, the angel of your Carolyn Corcetti will return a third time, and all will become warm, and you will float away, and nothing will ever hurt you again.

–Dan Kilian

The Critic Masturbates

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