Sometimes Europe, Sometimes You’re Down

Europe continues to burn with castigation and accusation as its nations mull the collapse of the European Union constitution, voted down recently in referendums by the peoples of France and the Netherlands. Jacques Chirac is taking a lot of heat for being such a fiercely unpopular leader, and French officials are trying to deflect blame from their country by scolding Britain for not funding the project enough. Eventually all the blame will finally settle on the rightful culprit, the gypsies, but until that eventuality, much acrimony and second-guessing must occur.

Of course it delighted the sixteen U.S. citizens who follow foreign affairs when France and the Netherlands (What kind of country name is that? It sounds like a euphemism. How about Netherland? Netheria? Hmm…have to come up with something better. The one brings Peter Pan to mind, the other sounds like a disease. Still, the country has to come up with a proper name. Dutchlia? While we’re at it, The United States is a pretty lame name. No wonder we just call ourselves America. United States? What if Canada called itself “A Bunch of Provinces”?) held referendums on the European Union’s constitution and someone besides Americans voted against their own best interests, for reasons that were tainted by bigotry and the denial of economic realities. Seems no one likes Turkey, at least not its job-grabbing Muslims. At least homophobia wasn’t the driving force of this election, as it was in the U.S. in 2004, but that could change when the former Soviet Republic of Gaystonia is considered for inclusion in the Union a ways down the road.

Immediately down that road, what’s next for the EU? How about a massive war? Historically, it’s what they’re good at. In the short term there will be some market fluctuation, Euro devaluation, a lot of the Blame Game, and, as this is Europe, interpretive ballet. Using the patented exposition/list/half-assed closing format, here are the possible next acts in the play that is the formation of the European Union:

The Secret European Union

This is something a few bands I’ve been in have done to get rid of inept players. We just tell the drummer we’ve broken up the band, then reform without telling him. Just say, hey, Turkey and Latvia, it’s over. Then reform with a new name, like the Union Europic, or Babyshambles, only with Zak Starkey on drums. Even with the disarray going on, this is still the continent of Europe; they can surely get Zak Starkey, right? It’s not like they’re going to be bumping into Turkey and Latvia in the clubs.

The R*I*S*K Board Union

Part of the problem with a twenty-five-nation union is that it’s twenty five nations. Half of these countries no one’s ever heard of. Cyprus? Isn’t that some type of wood? Slovenia? Some kind of spinal curvature? Portugal? Who makes up these places? Let’s have a union that reflects a Europe everyone understands: that of the game of world domination. R*I*S*K. There’s Southern Europe, Northern Europe, Western Europe, Great Britain, Iceland, Scandinavia, and Ukraine. That’s all you need. Paint everything various shades of blue, and there you have it. The R*I*S*K board solution would work wonders for Africa as well. The United States didn’t ignore the genocides in Rwanda and Sudan because we’re a callous, self-absorbed people without moral compass, but because we can’t wrap our minds around these unfamiliar names. Now, if there was a genocide in “East Africa” we’d be all up in arms about it, because if someone genocides black, they’ll take their R*I*S*K cards, turn in again, and win the game. While considering an R*I*S*K-centric view of the world, let’s not ever forget Australia. It hasn’t done anything for several turns, but that just means it’s building up armies on Indonesia to unleash on Siam. Hey, if you’d played R*I*S*K you’d be digging this segment. The rest of you, just be glad I’m not doing a Dungeons & Dragons treatment.

The Undersea Kingdom

Under the sea! Sink the whole continent, and live in a domed paradise 20,000 leagues under. While most of the people would have to drown in the great sinking, each nation would contribute one of its crucial citizens: the poet, the physician, the farmer, the scientist, the magician, and the other so-called gods of our legends. Hey, if I didn’t lose you with the R*I*S*K references (or for that matter, with the European Union) you must dig Donovan. Way down below the ocean, where I wanna be-she may be!

The Union of the Snake

Don’t dig Donovan? Well, how about the Fab Five? Great name for an eighties cover band: Duran Duran Duran. What was I talking about, Europe? How about that “Final Countdown” tune? I miss the 80s. Remember that show “I Love The 80s”? Someone should do a nostalgic look back on that program, perhaps with unsuccessful comedians and has-beens making snarky comments. Someone should do a nostalgic look back on when this essay was still on point. I was going to tie in some lyrics from this Duran Duran song to the European crisis, but then I read the actual lyrics, which make David Bowie seem coherent.

The Imapoopin Union

Get it? I’m-a-poopin? European, Imapoopin? You see, “European” sounds like “you’re a-peein’,” so I’m saying “I’m a-poopin’.” Get it now? It’s a pun!

Shea Stadium

Europe’s a lot like New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg. While ignoring deep fiscal woes, they try to waste their taxpayers’ money on an ill-advised globalist feel-good enterprise to win them glory. Also, both Europe and Bloomberg are controlled by rich Jews. Bloomberg’s trying to win the Olympics in New York for 2012, and Europe’s trying to unite twenty-five diverse nations under a single economic and political philosophy, without undermining Turkish Islamicism, Western Enlightenment, or the liberal welfare state that’s choking the continent’s economies. Both are pipe dreams, but the Plan B for both is in Queens. With a little more funding, Shea Stadium could host both Mets home games and the peoples of a unified Europe. Sure they’d have to live off hot dogs, and the American form of cricket might confuse them, but they’ll adjust. It’s an unlikely scenario, but more realistic than the U.S. getting the Olympics.

And now for our half-assed conclusion: The European (Imapoopin! HAHAHAHAHA…) Union has faced a terrible set-back in its cohesion due to conflicts of breadth versus size, local versus continental politics, and idealism versus pragmatism. In the context of poor economic conditions, facing job competition from the east and wishing to put off making difficult economic choices regarding their welfare state, the people of Western nations have decided to punish their local elected officials with “No” votes rather than take on the burdens of increased interdependence. In other words, “Old Europe” remains content with not solving its old problems, rather than dealing with new ones. As the U.S. degrades into a religion/porn-fueled military state, and Asia ascends into a new dominance devoid of human rights, it’s nice to know that some people are unwilling to change.


–Dan Kilian

A Metaphor For Iraq

The Turnip Girl of Europe


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