The Ventriloquist’s dummy was no wooden facsimile, but a real boy, dead and mummified. It was his brother. They weren’t twins but they looked alike enough that the boy looked a tiny version of the man. They’d done the act for fifteen years, since Andrew, the older brother was sixteen. Phillip, the younger brother never got any older.
Archive for February, 2009
My buddy Eppie’s podcast has arrived! This Saturday, March 1, they sit down with Pitcher Tom Glavine. Big stuff! They’re soliciting questions now. Check it out!
Regarding the Dawn of Language and thus the Dawn of History as a Continuous Narrative of Events, Places, People, and ThingsPosted in Fiction on February 27, 2009 by klogtheblog
Giiiiiirl I’m a turn you on
Giiiiirl I’m a turn you on turn you out turn you into something we can all believe
Turn you into something that’s just too precious to receive
We can all pull through
We can all come to
A new place beyond yoga and false
—————————————————- Obama Poem
At some point in our history, possibly in the late 1800s (anyone know?) the government began juggling not just Millions of dollars, but Billions. There should have been an announcement given by the president or the secretary of the treasury to the effect of “Hear ye, hear ye, people, we’re dealing in BILLIONS now, not Millions. As in one thousand millions. BILLIONS. The shit’s getting big.”
We were too cavalier when it happened. They sounded too much alike. That’s why when W. Bush confused the two when he was running in 2000, no one made a big deal about it. We should have paid more attention. Hear ye, hear ye, we’re bumping into a Trillion.
I’m not saying we have to panic, just that we need to acknowledge where we are and how big the number is. Here are some ideas for giving Trillion the respect it is due.
Capitalize anything ending in “illion.”. These numbers are big enough to have a personality. A Trillion is a proper noun.
Never say 1.75 Trillion. That’s sounds like one and change. That’s 1 Trillion, 750 Billion, y’all.
When we speak the word aloud, we should pronounce it with an echo. As in “Barack Obama inherited a Trill-rill-rillion dollar deficit.” It’s a Trillion dollars; it merits a couple more syllables. A Trill-rill-rillion.
And of course, trill those Rs.
Houses in North Carolina and Pennsylvania cost as much to build as they do on North Carolina Avenue and Pennsylvania Avenue on the Monopoly board. (And by the way, green is the best monopoly; no one ever lands on Park Place.)
The Obama administration scraps its idea of creating a “bad bank” to absorb toxic assets in favor of an “absolutely horrible, rankly evil bank.”
Homeless guys get their hand-outs capped at twenty-five cents.
People switch back to landlines from cell phones, even when they don’t have a home.
Professional toilet lickers are just happy to have a job.
The Secret Ingredient on Iron Chef is…SHOE!
GM officially goes green when its entire workforce can share the same car for their commute—and living quarters.
Newspapers, publishing houses, refrigerator magnet makers, all industries that spread those confusing and dispiriting “words” are run out of business.
Songs can be bought for a song.
Tom Friedman develops a perfect recycling regime, allowing him to use the same four paragraphs for a column, three T.V. interviews, pillow talk and a book.
New Yorker cartoons featuring a blind guy selling pencils are funny again.
Pickpockets start stealing actual pockets, for the valuable pocket making materials.